Reflecting Souls

This is an excerpt from a conversation recently overheard by someone peeping through a hole in the wall of a girls’ locker room. Purely by accident, of course.

“Hey, what are you looking for in a guy, Christy?”

“Well, he has to be intelligent and have a good sense of humour. And beautiful eyes, of course! Eyes are key.”

Barf ³.

Get a grip. What a bullshit answer. If he’s intelligent – it sounds like it wouldn’t take much to be a lot more intelligent than you anyway - and has a good sense of humour, the chances are good that you won’t exactly like him since he’ll be mocking you 24/7. Is that what you’re looking for in a partner? I doubt it. Or it could be that you just like to be dominated. If so, good for you. Just don’t complain that you’re getting zero respect afterwards.

But I don’t want to go into anymore details about stupid people’s boring-ass psyche here. What really triggered my gag reflex was the “beautiful eyes” comment. Pay attention now: eyeballs are not beautiful. Eyeballs are just eyeballs. Say it with me a couple of times. Eyeballs. Eyeballs. Eyeballs. Eyeballs. Eyeballs. Eyeballs. Eyeballs. Eyeballs.

Did you really just say that out loud? Dumbass. Although I usually like people who follow orders. As long as they’re coming from me, that is. Anyway…

Do you still seriously think eyeballs could be considered beautiful? And how can one eyeball be more beautiful than another? Is it the size, the shape, or the color? Or the crap around it, like the lids or lashes? Fat, swollen lachrymal sacks, perhaps?

For the sake of humanity I hope all that was just brainless romantic jabber. It’s all utter bullshit. Eyes are considered beautiful only if you think the rest of the person, or at least the face, is good-looking. Or do you really want to tell me you could pick your “beautiful eyes” from an assortment of eyeball I randomly gouged out of people’s skulls? I doubt that you’d still tell the fat cow whose eyes you considered to be beautiful a minute ago that her eyes looked any better than those of the supermodel. At least not to her face. Come to think of it, I doubt you’d talk to someone with empty eye sockets at all unless you have a strange pirate fetish.

You know what’s even worse? People who claim to like “beautiful eyes” often tend to tell you the same crap about hands, too. I mean, who gives a fuck about what one’s hands look like? Is that some gay relationship code for “I want you to marry me” or “I wouldn’t even mind if you beat the crap out of me every day with those beautiful, soft hands of yours”? Wait, isn’t that the same thing?

At least say “your hands would look beautiful grabbing my ass” or something like that instead. Although it would certainly make you look just like the cheap whore you probably are anyway, it would at least be true. And kind of hot, come to think of it.

Now, ugly hands, that’s something I can imagine. A wrong amount of fingers or a hook replacing the whole thing is rarely considered hot, I guess. Unless you really have that strange pirate fetish, of course.

But back to the subject at hand (pun intended in case you liked it): beautiful eyes. Or, as some people say and has been coined one of the most vomit-inducing phrases ever, the “mirror of your soul”.

Even if we pretend that it doesn’t sound totally fruity, it just makes no sense whatsoever. Your eyes water whenever you’re either sad or just really emotionally touched, like after reading my poetry for instance. Well, not bad for starters. The thing is, they do the same shit every time you cut onions or try to harass a lady with mace in her purse. What is that supposed to say about your soul? That it’s sorry you’re such a loser that you either have to cook or resort to rape to get any action? I doubt it.

Even my cock would make for a better mirror of the soul.

I don’t think I really need to lose any words about this whole craze through civilization that exerts the idea of the mere existence of such a thing as a soul. In case you haven’t noticed, it’s the 21st century. It’s high time to embrace science, people. And just because the word "superstitious" contains the word ‘super’ it doesn’t mean it’s any good. Or has any validity. In reality your body consists of 100% water and a lot of disgusting stuff like brains and bowels and 0% soul. Sorry.

So, now that you know pretty much everything you need to know about this, and probably a lot more than you ever wished to, let me give you another hint: if anyone ever tells me I have beautiful eyes, I’m going to make sure their own “mirror of the soul” will turn black for a month. I hope I’ve made myself clear.

Get all sappy on my Guest Page.