Have you hugged a tree today?

If there’s anything that sickens me lately (besides “too much” Scotch, of course) it’s people yammering about the poor state our planet is in, or the bad, bad people neglecting their responsibilities to take care of the environment, failing to go out of their way to save resources and all kinds of other stuff you can’t even put to use.

Conservationists are just a bunch of pompous assholes. Most are just dissatisfied with their own existence and compensate for that by fighting for some kind of bullshit higher cause. In most cases they don’t even offer any real solutions, as specious and useless as they may be. Just say no to pollution! But God forbid you think any further. Who cares about that? That’s not cool enough to raise any publicity, after all.

This is for all you hippie eco-warrior idiots: nature can kiss my ass.

To make a long story short, I don’t give a fuck about the environment. The only time I’m going to hug one of your fucking trees is when I put it in a headlock.

To make it a little longer again, in hopes to entertain you a little - and to offer a couple of reasons from time to time why I think this way, I wrote all the rest below. Aren’t you the lucky ones?

Let’s have a look at some natural resources first. Water, for instance. So why would anyone disapprove of emptying chemical waste into a river? Why does anyone care when some crude oil vessel breaks in half and covers the ocean with a black slick layer?

In a way I can understand why water is supposed to be one of the most valuable resources on earth. What would we do without water, after all? We certainly wouldn’t be surfing anymore, or hanging out at the nude beach. Nope. We wouldn’t even be able to enjoy Baywatch on TV, because there would be no bays to watch while wearing red bathing suits and looking hot. And thus there would be nothing left worth showing on TV. Shitty idea, isn’t it? But it gets worse: we wouldn’t even be able to drink beer! That’s right, brewing requires water (although that apparently gives some lousy breweries, like Budweiser, the license to making it a little too close to water). And we all know what a world without beer would lead to: No beer, no watching football with the boys, no pissed-off wives, no real Bundy marriages, no fulfilled lives. Or in many sad cases: no beer - no friends, period.

Bullhorn’s Environmental Saving Advice #1: What you should do if you’re indeed concerned about the lack of water is stop bathing. Bathing is the ultimate waste of water. And no, that doesn’t mean that showering is acceptable either. It’s basically the same damn thing, just a little less pointless since you don’t sit around in your own dirt for an hour. The lousy gallon of water you save is not even worth mentioning.

Who needs a clean tummy or well-groomed elbows anyway? Those body parts don’t even smell. And for everything else there are wives/hookers as natural means of cleansing.
Of course all those reasons are bullshit. Back to the oil vessel example. What’s wrong with those environmentalists that they constantly have to get their panties in a bunch over some annoying seabirds having that oil or gasoline crap stuck in their wings, not being able to fly around anymore? Big deal. I can admit I might be a little bitchy at times but did you ever see me complain about not being able to fly? No. And I would certainly deserve that a little more than some brainless, cawing, no-good piece of feathered meat. I say fuck the seabirds and fuck their sticky wings.

Fuck the entire ocean too while we’re at it.

Have you ever seen what’s living inside of there? There are killers everywhere. Who needs animals that are capable of killing people? I have no sympathy for creatures dying that are capable of making you their next meal. They don’t even rely on that “eye for an eye” principle; those assholes wouldn’t think twice about eating vegetarians! Sticking up for those creatures is just plain crazy. Why not just set any weird string of viruses free that we find? They have a right to live after all. Who cares if some people lose their lives along the way? The virus most likely didn’t have any bad intentions; it’s just in their nature to be deadly. Same thing, isn’t it?

Yes, fuck the ocean and fuck everything that’s living in there too. We should just replace all the water with boiling grease, deep-fry all those fuckers and pick up the calamares, before replacing the whole fucking thing with a nice, warm, safe swimming pool.

What people really should worry about is the loss of all that tanker’s perfectly good oil, going to waste in the ocean. But no, that’s not even mentioned. That’s like your moronic dog swallowing a bundle of banknotes and you only worrying about it getting an upset stomach.

Then there’s the tropical rain forest. (And, of course, lots of other trees that don’t seem to be quite as cool as said rain forest for some reason.) Rock singer Axl Rose (that’s the Predator looking megalomaniac with the shot voice babbling about democracy in China, in case the name doesn’t ring a bell) was right when he screeched: “Do you know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby! You’re gonna die!” At least that’s what I would do since the jungle is full of crawling abominations that would give me more heart-attacks per minute than they have legs. And not only is having a shit-load of legs their main feature, no, some of them sport twice as many eyes to boot. As if the former wasn’t already enough to develop a phobia of my own hand due to the similarities.

So there’s absolutely no reason (no, not even the whole lungs of the earth crap) to save the rain forest unless you make it critter-free first. Tiling would be a good idea. I would suggest pink and turquoise tiles so you can easily make out any leftover spiders on the floor.

Bullhorn’s Environmental Saving Advice #2: Not enough green for your liking? Easy. Ditch that Christmas bullshit. I can’t even count all the trees that are chopped down for Jesus’ birthday every year, and then thrown out in my street alone. Why don’t you ever see conservationists bitch about that? Because Christmas means love, right? Wrong. No love for fir trees, obviously. Fucking tree-Nazis.
Do you know what makes tree-huggers worse than those delusional activists trying to save whales and shit like that? They might fight for a slightly better cause but they’re fucking pussies. They’re never in danger on their missions and they know it.

If people chaining themselves to trees would at least be consistent, and possibly put up with having to die along with their cute CO2-absorbing friends, it wouldn’t even be half-bad. In fact, that would be killing two birds with one stone: their fellow tree-huggers couldn’t even complain about the loss of an important oxygen machine anymore, as the need for counteracting carbon dioxide emissions was similarly reduced at the same time. I bet it would be fun to watch too. I, for one, would pay good money to see a nice death match between Green Peace activists and a couple of bulldozers.

There’s no need to save anything period here. Seriously, if there’s anything there’s no shortage of on earth then it’s fucking life - in one form or another, at least. We’re not exactly dying out already.

Speaking of dying out… what’s the big deal? If a species is dying out it just means it sucked to begin with. Saving animals is totally pointless. Let’s check how many of you ever met a panda or some fucking whale? Anyone? Okay, then why in the hell does it bother you so much if the last five of them finally disappear? You can still look at their pictures in books, catch them on Discovery and be sappily overjoyed for the same stupid reasons you did before. What’s the point in trying to stop evolution? If their race is too fucking stupid to reproduce appropriately, and in proportion to posed threats, then fuck them.

Okay, enough of the flora and fauna crap. What about electricity? Granted, there aren’t many people stupid enough to complain about that, but there still are some idiots out there, so I have to address the horrible effects that the methods of generating power has on nature as well.

On second thought, I don’t. It doesn’t matter what bad effects any power stations may have on anything in nature, since you can be sure it’s totally worth it. Just not having to set fire to your living room, just to see and not to freeze to death, makes it all worth it. Electricity is good. Better than most other things, in fact. I don’t even really care how it’s generated. As far as I’m concerned you can put to use all the alternative energies you want, block any open countryside with artificial forests of wind turbines and hi-tech seas of solar cells (I bet you like the imagery there, nature-boy). Never mind that a change-over to all that crap would result in a vast loss of jobs… jobs suck anyway - I’m the first to admit that.

Bullhorn’s Environmental Saving Advice #3: Electric chairs should be disposed of. I’m sure there’s an abundance of microwave ovens and vibrators that could be operated with the energy it takes to roast just one criminal. Now, I don’t want to argue against capital punishment. Not because I support it, I just don’t give a fuck either way - mostly because I’m too lazy to commit first-degree murder. But the question is: why don’t they let the convicted run around in oversized rodent exercise wheels and thus create some good old electricity until they die, instead of wasting it on them?
I just thought of a clique that’s even worse than the tree guardians: people trying to stop trains carrying nuclear waste to storage facilities, chaining themselves to the rails and shit. The nuclear power-antis can’t even hope to dispose of the actual problem whatsoever by inhibiting such operations. The radioactive waste still remains; we just can’t get rid of it anymore at a permanent disposal site. Now it’s sitting on a train right next to a school and a church instead. Good job. Idiots. They’re just a pain in the ass for all parties involved. I wish someone would just disable the brakes on a Castor-transport heading their way. CHOO CHOO! Good-bye, brave force de resistance.

Even if you view their efforts as a general protest demonstration against the use of nuclear energy, and not as mindless attention whoring, what’s the point? Actually, that applies to all the environmentalists and their puny little endeavors to preserve the planet. Do you want me to get down and serious about everyone’s actual responsibility to save earth for future generations here for a minute? Fine, but don’t expect to like what I have to say.

Let me just ask you a simple question. Why? Why would I choose to pass on anything in my life for the privilege to improve some future idiot’s speculative existence? That’s not just unselfish, that’s sick.

I don’t want to badmouth anyone’s motivations or moral considerations here, although I’d probably find good reasons for that too - the point is that you can’t attribute a fictitious responsibility to other people, which pretty much every conservationist is guilty of. How I am dealing with my surroundings doesn’t concern you. If you don’t like it, make of it whatever you want and draw your own conclusions. If you’re so worried about the future, no matter who you want to hold accountable for that, just don’t have kids.

No, I’m not trying to tell you not to procreate or what to do with your life or anything. It’s just that you can’t demand from the rest of the world to be considerate of your personal decisions. It’s like stupid parents yelling at you if you cross a red light in front of their little kids. Yeah, right, I’m going to wait forever so you don’t have to explain to your brat that he is not supposed to do everything he sees other people do. That falls under education and is sure as fuck none of my business.

Look, what it comes down to is this: if I happen to not give a fuck about the future of our planet, or about the future generations of morons like you, then you can’t expect me to even raise a finger for your cause. I couldn’t care less if your grandson is born with three elbows on his ass due to mutation from living on piles and piles of nuclear waste that my generation accumulated, as long as energy is a tad bit cheaper for me today.

Most tree-huggers don’t understand: everybody knows that all sorts of stuff is bad for the environment. But most people also know they have every right not to care. It’s not about awareness, it’s about priorities.

And now quit being such drama queens and bring on that acid rain I hear so much about. People in the 60’s probably had wet dreams about that kind of shit - and they were bona fide tree-huggers.


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