Roxette
"Joyride"

Okay, long time - no review, but I'm back with a bang, as you should be able to tell from the title. I value Roxette higher than anybody's life, including, but surely not limited to, those of any of you unworthy bottom-feeders. Introduction, introduction... what else am I supposed to say here? Roxette is a band from Sweden. Or was; I'm not sure if they're still doing shit. The band consists of the two main members Per Gessle and Marie Fredriksson. Not sure about the spelling of her last name, but I'm too lazy to look it up. I chose the "Joyride“ album because... well, wouldn't you like to know, huh? Just kidding, here's why: I can't find the one that came out before this one, as of right now, but "Joyride“ is still pretty cool. I listened to it every day when it came out, which was in 1991, while practicing to balance a football on my head or some shit like that. (Don't ask, I was rather young.)

Let's jump right in, shall we? The title track is like a ray of sunshine bathing my hungover soul. I might have sounded bitter at the beginning of this article, but that was just because the album wasn't playing yet. I apologize. In fact, I really like you guys. Like? Love! Join the joyride! Per Gessle really is a great songwriter. And probably gay. But even that's okay right now. The magic of the music.

I repulse myself. Change subject... I say, Roxette is a cool name, isn't it? Oh yeah, borderline awesome.

The next song is called "Hotblooded“ and rules. It's pretty heavy too. This is not pop music, my friends... oh no, it's ball-crushing heavy metal à la Vixen. Marie sings this one, and while she looks like some freaky bulldyke, and probably is, she's still an incredible singer. Nobody would argue that there's not much place for women in music, but her endeavors are actually somewhat justified.

Next song is one of THE best pop songs ever: "Fading Like A Flower“. It's perfect. Really, I'm not just throwing that word around like it was nothing. Well, actually I do, but this time I'm fucking serious. Awesome arrangement or something. Come to think of it, I don't really know what that's supposed to mean, but saying "Great verse and the chorus rules too!“ all the time sounds pretty lame. You're supposed to think I'm a pro and know what I'm talking about, after all. Anyhow, this one has a great verse and the chorus, you guessed it, rules too.

Whoa, hold on a second! I should go easy on the praise because this next one is actually THE pop song on this record: "Knockin On Every Door“. It starts out with one of the catchiest little guitar riffs ever conceived, and from that on it's just heaven. Definitely one of the best Per-sung songs.

Time for some random thoughts on pop music: What strikes me most, while listening to this, is the overall effort put into pop from that era. You can hear so much shit going on, while today's big productions have one synth line repeated over and over until you're ready to kill yourself. Here's several layers of gay synthesizer string shit, some wind instruments, the AWESOME guitar mentioned above, out-of-this-world slap bass, and then the usual e-drums - but I guess that's just part of the deal when you listen to faggy stuff like this. But even those crappy drum beats are rather well thought-out compared to modern stuff. Anyway, it's unbelievable how even popular music went down the shitter within a span of a couple of years.

Do I sound very bitter? Damn right, I am. Fuckers took away my music!

What fuckers, you ask? The fuckers, of course. A more sinister version of "them“ and "they“. Mostly "you“, actually.

In case you wondered, this record has really gay ballads too. "Spending My Time“ is proof of that. It's good, though, for a gay ballad. I'm a little sick of it as it's the one still played on the radio here, once in a while, but i can't deny it's a clever song. Not because I paid attention to the lyrics or anything, don't be silly, but the way it's arranged and all. Perfectly catchy.

"I Remember You“ is okay but no highlight. It's kind of country-ish which Swedes really should stay away from for obvious reasons. Cowboys they’re not. The next one, "Watercolours In The Rain“ is as gay as its title suggests, which makes it at least super-gay. Even super-gayer than the thoughts of a Swedish Cowboy. Seriously. Worst song on there. I can't even listen to it all the way through and I'm used to some heavy shit, trust me. Or don't trust me and read my other reviews instead. Yeah, that's the ticket.

"The Big Love“ would be a great song again, if it wasn't for the fact that it's listed as "The Big L.“ everywhere. Whose idea was that? It's like they thought, "Hey, we'd better abbreviate the word 'love' so people won't label us 'softies', never mind we're playing music George Michael would run away from“. Guess what, it didn't work. Anyway, aside from the refrain that's just a tad too sweet, it's a good one. Very memorable verse with great twists.

The next song is called "Soul Deep“ and it's so happy it makes Wham's "Wake me Up Before You Go Go“ sound like the third movement of Chopin's funeral march (also known as The Undertaker's entrance music for all you mouth breathers out there – the Chopin piece that is, not the the Roxette tune, even though that would be funnier). It's not bad and hella catchy but I'm naturally disgusted by so much happiness. Well, by that, and also by the fact that I somehow managed to put two fucking George Michael references in this review already, within two tiny paragraphs. Coincidence? I think not. Closet, I hereby bid thee farewell.

"Soul Deep“ even had a guitar solo, of sorts, at the end. That's always worth mentioning when dealing with this kind of music.

"(Do You Get) Excited?“ Uh, not really, no. But you're alright, song number ten. I kind of like your chorus. I'll skip you anyway because I have no heart. Har har har! Never mind. I just realized my villain laughter is rather queer. Not that I'd actually do all the shit I type here. Err... for real. I mean it. Next.

You know what kicks ass? The verse of "Church Of Your Heart“. The chorus almost ruins the whole thing, though. I'm afraid the word 'gay' has kind of lost its effect by now, as often as I used it already, but how else do you describe a really gay chorus? My grand mother used to tell me that if you don't have anything nice to say, better don't say anything at all, and while I believe her, I also believe all those filthy faggots who claim homosexuality is all natural and shit and nothing bad at all, so I can state that this chorus is awfully gay in an all clear conscience, right? I think so.

Actually, I made all that shit up to be able to cram some more irrational gay hate into this review to liven things up a bit. My grand mother never told me cool shit I could quote here. Yeah, pretty boring legacy she left me here when she died a few months ago. By the way, this is the point where you start to sob uncontrollably because you feel for me and you're reminded of your own loss... yadda yadda. It's a sad, cruel world we live in alright, but remember; death is just part of life. Just think about how ugly people get when they grow old. It's not necessarily a bad thing after all. Anyway, may she rest in peace.

What a stupid fucking phrase. Like corpses had any alternative but resting in peace. Like their lives depended on it.

Wasn't that an awesome pun? I didn't think so either. Let's just talk about Roxette, okay? Have I mentioned that I think it's a really good name for a pop rock band already? It so is.

"Small Talk“ is decent. I can picture it being the theme song to some gay college comedy flick from the early 90’s. I have no fucking idea why, though.

On to the finish: "Physical Fascination“ is redundant. Total filler. Hey, wait a minute! I thought I could finally wrap this up pretty fast now but "Things Will Never Be The Same“ starts out surprisingly good, I didn't even remember that one from back in the day. Maybe it has something to do with me only listening to this stuff when I'm so drunk I pass out after three songs. You know what? I was right, this is indeed a good one. It's actually somewhat dark for Roxette standards and it suits them rather well.

"Perfect Day“ is the last song on here and it could have been left off. Boring. So boring I can't even properly mock it. It's just there. Sits there and bores you. It's like the song is mocking me! Oh, snap! I'm done here.

In conclusion: fuck ABBA. Roxette is where it's at when it comes to Swedish pop music. Yes, they even destroy Ace Of Base. I know that's a pretty daring thing to say but I thought about it long and hard and I stand by it.

PS. Dear gay community, or however you'd like to be addressed: I don't really disapprove of your homosexual activities, it is just my idea of fun. Err... using it to mock fruity pop songs, I mean, not the actual activity. Shit, that sounded wrong. Oh well, try telling yourself I'm just an overcompensating homophobe who would love to blow you all if I wasn’t so afraid of you. (Fags.)



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