Falco - "3"

Falco was an artist. Nowadays, pretty much everybody who can work his sloppy-blowjob-plastered way up to some shitty rap record label is considered an artist. But this fella was an artist in its truest sense. This guy, formerly known as Hans Hölzel, paid his dues in jazz bands in Vienna over several years, establishing him as a virtuoso on bass and helping him to create his stage persona, which would later be known as “Falco”. Unbeknownst to most, he was actually one of the first guys to rap in German, and no matter what those hip hop kids might think today, he remained the best at it. Nobody else even came close to having such a great flow or phrasing.

I still remember when I first heard "Rock Me Amadeus“. It was in some video store in my town and I had never even heard the name Falco before. He had had a hit with “Der Kommissar” earlier, which frankly was one of his best songs ever, but I wasn’t yet wise enough to realize that back then. I couldn’t get “Rock me Amadeus” out of my head for days, and never really forgot about it until I finally came across a copy of his awesome album, simply called “Falco 3”, much later. It’s his third one. Amazing, isn’t it?

Anyway, the aforementioned song about Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart also happens to be his biggest hit ever, making him a star for a while all over the world, even America. It was number one in the charts everywhere, and if you want to believe him, he stayed in Hawaii at the time, doing a shot every time his video came on one of the music channels. I want to believe him. That idea is pretty cool if you ask me.

And so are the lyrics (brilliant transition, I know), comparing Mozart’s lifestyle to that of a modern rock star (and by modern I’m talking the 1980s, of course, you disgrace for Rock ‘n Roll) which really isn’t too far-fetched if you happen to know what Mozart was all about.

So, let’s just put the fucker on and see what bullshit I will feel like sharing with you along the way.

“Rock Me Amadeus” is first, and frankly I’m convinced it’s the best song I’ve ever heard. No matter how many times I’ve listened to it. Cool melodies, cool vocals, even the lyrics are cool. Wait, I already mentioned that, didn’t I? Never mind. This song makes me feel all dizzy. It’s not my fault. I’m not drunk either, I swear! I’m just high on Falco. Okay, maybe I had some Scotch whiskey on the side. But just a little... bottle. And now stop interrupting me, dammit! Falco is the epitome of cool and this song sounds like he just wanted to prove it once and for all. I don’t know what else to say about this one. Anthemic. Timeless. Perfect. Orgasmic.

Next is another incredibly huge hit: “America”. I’ve been in love with this song since I first listened to it. At first glance it’s just a cynical characterization of the country and its people, but if you know what Falco’s all about and get his sense of humor you realize it’s basically an ode to his time over there that really influenced him as a person and as an artist. As a German you can’t help chuckling at the Austrian dialect, especially the part where he mimics an American wanting to buy a Wiener Schnitzel. Why he felt the need to include that part I’ll never understand, though. Well, cocaine’s a helluva drug as they say. Even the lyrics printed in the album are “Germaned up” to the point where they don’t really resemble what he’s actually singing anymore. Fuck, I wish that chorus would never end. I swear; I’m this close to creaming my pants over this beautiful song.

“Tango The Night” is almost as close to actual tango, unlike a lot of other songs wanting to make you believe that by their titles. But at the same time it’s somewhat shallow pop, too. I really like it, but this one’s not even close to the first two in terms of perfection. It sounds really dated. But despite his turgid wording the lyrics pretty much deal with drinking and fucking, so it’s all good.

Another highlight awaits you with “Munich Girls”. It’s a lot slower than what came before, but it’s intense just the same. Especially the bridge is to die for! Just beautiful. Really gets me going every time. Sassy lyrics about the “Munich girls looking for love”, a few coke references and a little guitar solo complete the achievement. A million thumbs up.

Whoa, I always forget about the last song on the first side. It’s “Jeanny”, a song that’s probably even more famous than “Amadeus” over here. It created quite a bit of controversy as the lyrics sound like they were written from the view of some kind of pedophile killing a girl named Jeanny. It even includes a famous news reporter, reciting a text out of a news piece about Jeanny being kidnapped, making it appear very real. When Falco claimed it was “just a love song” to him in an interview, everyone and their mother freaked and tried to get the song banned. Fortunately, they didn’t succeed since this is one of the most intense songs I’ve ever heard. Even if you’re usually not touched by anything going on in the world you can’t help sobbing a little. Trust me on this. You even sympathize with the psycho narrator. The lyrics and the rendition are that good.

The second side of the record starts out with more first-class ear candy. If you hear that song, and you’re still able to forget it, you were probably dead to begin with. Or you’re just a horrible, horrible human being. It goes by the name of “Vienna Calling”, and it impressively showcases Falco’s and producer Bollands’ talent to write perfect pop songs once again. I might be biased, because I love Vienna like few other cities I’ve visited so far. I considered moving there after I had only spent a couple of days there, and this song made sure I never really ditched that thought.

“Männer des Westens (“Men Of The West”) – Any Kind Of Land” is yet another highlight on here. Great chorus once again. I never really got what this song was about, but I want to avail myself to the opportunity of stating I love the way Falco mixes German/Austrian with English in one song. He can even switch mid-sentence without making it sound weird, although the languages couldn’t be any more different. Great fucking chorus again.

After that it gets a little experimental. No pop album I ever heard was really perfect, and considering I’ve been spoiled with several of my favorite songs ever already I can’t really hold it against him either. This one is called “Nothin’ Sweeter Than Arabia” and it sounds really funky and almost too artsy for pop. A lot less catchy than the rest but not bad by any means.

The next song is called “Macho Macho”, for some gay reason, and it’s the most new-wavish song on here. It’s maybe the most old-school on the record since Falco’s first two albums were influenced by that movement a lot before he settled for the predominant songwriter team responsible for most of his big songs (Bolland/Bolland). To be honest, it doesn’t do much for me. To be even more honest, it sucks.

The album closes with a cover of Bob Dylan’s “It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue”. I don’t care if I don’t make any friends by saying that this one just sucks too. It doesn’t really add to the album at all. It’s impossible to ruin an album like this, but still the two last songs leave a bitter aftertaste. However, this song is still interesting to hear for a Falco fan since he always made any songs he covered from other artists his own (as one covering other people’s songs should - another thing modern pop-acts never heard of).

It’s no big deal actually. ‘Cause if the album closed with another über-song I might never be able to overcome the urge to start listening to the record from the beginning again and again and again, until it melts.

I just realized my record is fucked up anyway. I never stops turning when the song’s over, so forget what I just said. I am listening to the thing again and again and again, until either it, or my brain, melts.

Forgot everything I wrote already? If not, try to distract yourself from all the obvious out there by buying this classic piece of music histor. Get rocked by Amadeus and flirt with the Munich girls! Tango the night away with Jeanny in any kind of land until Vienna’s calling!

I promise you won’t regret it, or you’ll get your money back.

The money you paid for reading this in-depth review, that is. It’s all over now, asshole.


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