Chocolate

By

Sebastian Bullhorn

Chocolate... The melting, brown and somewhat edible equivalent of a venereal disease. Fun to get but a pain in the ass afterwards. Wait. Actually, chocolate’s more like completely worthless but apparently everyone’s still dying to get some like it was a piece of ass.

Anyway, I just wanted a nasty analogy to start off this rant.

Maybe some of you “gourmets” expect me to review a certain brand of chocolate now. Let me just point out that it doesn’t really matter if you got skin cancer or lung cancer in terms of the joy it brings you. It doesn’t really matter if you break an ‘E’ or an ‘A’ string on stage if you want to finish the song. It doesn’t really matter whether you lose a match 12:0 or 15:0 if you have any hopes of being taken seriously by any future opponents.

Get my drift? Of course you don’t. You like chocolate, why am I even asking... 

What I’m talking about is that all chocolate fucking sucks.

For all the people who think I’m just a hater of sweets... well, in fact you’d be right, but let’s still take an objective look at the pros and cons about chocolate nevertheless:

Pros:

- you can use it to shut up little kids

- you can make funny hats or little sculptures from the tinfoil the bars are wrapped in

- it doesn’t pass on AIDS... yet!

Cons:

- it’s not nourishing

- it’s not healthy

- it fucks up your teeth

- it makes you fat

- it looks like shit

- it’s sticky

- it gets your hands filthy

- it doesn’t make you high

- it’s expensive

- little children are forced to harvest cocoa beans by hand under the worst conditions without getting paid

- last but not least: the famous S. Bullhorn hates it

Hmm... I’m not sure. Do you think one outweighs the other? I’m not fully convinced yet.

Maybe you could argue that chocolate provides the most amazing taste in the world, and God knows there’s no shortage of people actually believing that crap. Now, it’s common knowledge that you can’t really argue taste, but you know what? Fuck common knowledge, I’m going to do it anyway: It tastes like shit. Not like the cute droppings of a fluffy little bunny either... More like a huge steaming pile of mouldy rhino turds. Or so I’ve heard. Not that I’ve actually tasted that of course, but everytime I try some chocolate, after forgetting how nasty it really is (next time I’ll just read this review when I’m not sure anymore – all my deep articles serve a special purpose, you know), I’m convinced that it’s what pachyderm shit must taste like.

Another thing that turns me off about chocolate is its consistency. I refuse to call something “food” that melts when it gets a little hotter than room temperature. I like to know what I’m eating. In theory chocolate’s made from cocoa beans. But how can something that grows on trees become such a strange matter? What chemical process turns a fruit into this? I have no idea and I’ll be damned if I stuff myself with that substance without knowing.

Some people even claim chocolate is a vegetable, albeit in a joking manner. You know, the cocoa bean is a vegetable and sugar cane is a plant, too. Uh, okay. Nice vegetable. I can’t wait to get my hands on a delicious turbot with a side dish of Toblerone and a chocolate Santa filled with m&m’s for good measure next time I’m at a good restaurant. Yummy!

And just think of all the milk that’s in some chocolate! It’s actually health food!

Maybe this misconception is the sole reason for the high percentage of overweight people in the Western world. That’s it! It’s a huge conspiracy! Chocolate was made by evil communists in order to incapacitate the rest of the world!

Now if this still doesn’t keep you from eating that crap, I don’t know what could.

Conclusion: Better stick to chewing gum or smoking cigarettes. Both things are just as worthless as chocolate but at least you’ll look cool while consuming.