By

Sebastian Bullhorn

"HAUNTED"

This is a porn flick starring Briana Banks and some other whores. But unlike most other porn flicks, this one is actually a great movie. With a plot and stuff. I’m not talking about that artsy-fartsy black and white porn but a movie that’s actually worth watching. As in not jerking off while watching it. Seriously, this might be the first porn I don’t watch for the fuck scenes. I’m actually fast-forwarding them. Not because they’re bad but because the rest is so fucking hilarious.

I’ll write down my thoughts as I watch it:

The movie starts with Claudia Adkins (the only chick without implants in the movie – that’s so yesterday) getting out of the shower, walking up to the bathroom mirror and getting shocked because there’s “I want you” written on it in lipstick. She uses her towel to wipe it off and all of a sudden Mark Wood is standing behind her.

She screams like she had been impaled, although that hasn’t happened yet. But I would scream too, Mark Wood is really an ugly creature.

She asks him who he is but he just keeps shaking his head and they start making out.

They fuck.

What? You expected me to write about everything they do in that scene? Like oral-mf/oral-fm/doggy/ride/ride-bw/dp-anal and all that crap you sometimes find in porn reviews? Forget it. They fuck. End of story. I’m all about the dialogues.

But if that’s important to some of you, let me assure you that none of the chicks in this movie had fun walking the next day, if you know what I mean.

Just one thing: Deep-throating the way Claudia does it is not hot but rather disgusting. You’d really have to be a sick perverted fuck to get turned on by those gagging sounds from hell. Seriously, she sounds like she’s about to puke any moment during the whole 5 minutes she blows him. She’s almost screaming as she chokes on him. I actually looked out for what she had for lunch on his dick after she was done. That’s devotion I could actually do without.

I don’t believe she liked the four fingers in her ass before either.

After he cums on her chest we get a crazy sound-effect and Mark Wood is gone! Wow! That leaves you almost as confused as Claudia, who looks like someone asked her to add up two one-digit numbers. She gets up, walks up to the mirror again and smiles like a complete moron when she sees there’s “Good night Carmen” written on it.

That’s so romantic! If it wasn’t for the fact she just got fucked in the ass for god knows how long.

Cut. This scene had nothing to do with the rest of the movie, aside from the fact it was supposed to be a ghost, I guess. Who cares...

Now we see Friday, Miss Arroyo, Briana Banks and Dillion Day sitting in a circle of candles in a nice living room. Friday asks if this was really supposed to work while giggling like she was high as a kite and Briana lets her know in her lovely retarded voice that it would, if they would take it seriously. They’re talking about witchcraft, by the way. Everyone’s mocking poor Briana who explains that the mansion they’re sitting in was a brothel that was burned down in the 18th century by puritanical zealots and 36 whores died in the fire.

Friday doesn’t want to believe that the house is really haunted while Miss Aroyo is more interested whether the ghosts are “fugly like the ones we see in the Saturday morning cartoons”.

Dillion Day, who happens to be the coolest character I’ve ever seen in any movie, thinks that is pretty cool. He wonders aloud if he still had to pay if a whore is a ghost.

Briana proceeds to tell the others that the lady who owns the house decided to move because the ghosts were ruining her marriage. Why? Because she’s fucking them. I didn’t know that others were to blame for ruining your marriage by fucking you, but hey, Briana is smart. I believe her.

Now they start fooling around with an Ouija board and Briana wants someone to ask the ghosts a question. Dillion Day doesn’t hesitate: “Where’s all the chicks with the big asses at?” Briana is obviously disgusted with the utterings of that primate. “James, please!”

She knows better: “We wish to communicate with the spirits in the house. Will you speak to us? Will you give us a sign?”

Dillion gets bored: “Will all the ladies in the house say haaaw-oh...” - doing a stupid hip-hop skit. The chicks think he’s hilarious. I agree with them. Just Briana is about to cry.

I feel sorry for her. They don’t take her serious. Poor little thing.

Who am I kidding? I dont feel sorry, I just want to get in her pants, too. Briana if you read this, write me! I’m your biggest fan! Watching your movies makes me run dry like a tulip in the desert! Err.. did I really type that?

Seriously: Brianna Banks is a goddess. Fake from hair to toe but a goddess nevertheless. Even her stupid babble is hot. She ruled when she was still called Mirage and had normal tits but she’s perfect now. Best looking vagina in porn even. And the look on her face when she’s getting fucked. Just dreamy! But I digress.

The next scene shows Dillion carrying Friday in her room and they’re both drunk. He starts fondling her but she tells him to stop because she needs sleep. Dillion can not agree with that: “We need sex, baby!” But she doesn’t want to hear and falls asleep. Dillion a.k.a. James is pissed and walks out.

Now we see Friday sleeping. Cue demonic laughter. Now it’s special effect time: her sheets get pulled away and her dress follows. She has huge tits. I can’t deny I’m a fan of breast implants. Her teeth look like she hit the ground face-first a couple of times too often as a child, though. And you can tell she’s about as smart as a brick.

All of a sudden Evan Stone is besides her and starts kissing her while she’s still telling James that she’s too tired. This fella doesn’t seem to care much, though. Even when she sees him it’s only a short “Oh shit, who are you? Well, who cares...” before they get it on. Why doesn’t that work in reality?

They fuck.

Again: he blows his load, a great sound-effect and he’s gone. With her breasts full of sperm she realizes “this wasn’t a dream”. Wow, maybe I underestimated her intelligence.

She’s scared (I know that because of her great acting – no wait, it’s because they play scary music in the background) and runs out of her room to search the other guys.

Miss Aroyo and Dillion Day/James hang out in the living room drinking champagne. She runs into the room stark-naked and tells them she just had sex with a ghost. Dillion Day is pissed: “You had sex with a ghost? I thought you said you were too tired for sex! What’s this all about?” Miss Aroyo is more understanding and gives him a mean look. He doesn’t take that: “What? I mean, WHAT?! What do I have to do? Cut some holes in a white sheet so I get some action around here?? I don’t get it!”

That stroke me as funny but maybe that’s just me.

The chicks start the mandatory gossip. “Did he say anything? Did you try to communicate?” “He was speaking in tongues, if you know what I mean.” How original. I wish James would slap that whore across the face. He looks like he wanted to anyway.

Now it gets good: Miss Aroyo says “this house is alive, I’m getting a really strong vibe from it. Before the seance I was upstairs banging myself in the ass with a big black dildo and I could feel the presence of something watching me. Like an entity or something.” Dillion confesses “uhm... actually, that was me.”

Before I’m done laughing, Friday points at the fireplace in shock where some white sticky substance is running down the wall. Detective Aroyo tastes it and announces that the walls are dripping cum. Dillion ain’t at a loss for some more great lines: “Well, that’s not scary, that’s just gross.” Friday runs away and Dillion gets up to leave, too. “James, where are you going?” “There’s cum coming out of the walls. I’m not staying here, that’s gay.”

Miss Aroyo wants to know what’s going on and speaks to herself, the empty room or whatever until the next ghost stud appears with a cheap lightning effect. I think his name is Lee Stone. She asks him what he wants from her and after he made her feel his crotch she knows: “Let me get this straight... you are a ghost. You can travel through time and dimension. You know the secrets of life and the universe and what you want is to shoot your load??” He nods with the dumbest look on a face I’ve ever seen.

They fuck. But not before she asks him if men still leave up the toilet seat in the afterlife. Now I’m really concerned about the mental state of the guy who wrote the dialogues. He doesn’t answer, though. Apparently, some secrets are supposed to stay secret until you die.

Next scene. James walks around the house still pissed about the fact he didn’t get laid imitating Friday talking about her experience. “What kind of whorehouse is that? I haven’t seen one fucking whore yet.” He tries to light a cigarette but it goes out. He tries again and now we see Toni James on his side blowing the matches out before he can light his smoke. He sees her and says “Now that’s what I’m talking about”.

Toni James is smoking hot. Not Briana Banks-hot but still gorgeous. She’s the first ghost that can talk, by the way, but she doesn’t say anything remarkable.

They fuck.

In the next scene these ungrateful bastards are telling Briana that they’re leaving because they’re scared. She thinks that that’s exactly why they are there while Aroyo says that’s why they’re outta there and the place is crazy, it’s unnatural yadda yadda. James agrees: “Yeah, I just got fucked by a really hot ghost whore! Wait... why are we leaving?!?”

Dillion Day cracks me up. Why isn’t that guy on mainstream productions while boring assholes like Leonardo DiCaprio make millions? That wuss couldn’t even lift Friday’s right tit.

The brave Briana decides to stay alone to “exercise” the ghosts in the house some more. Now that’s my girl.

Anyway here she is in another hilarious scene that starts with her kneeling in the middle of a bunch of candles arranged in a circle. Naked. With a huge purple dildo in her hands, raising it up in the air. And now better sit down before reading on: she’s summoning a ghost. Like that. With a dildo. I love it. Whoever comes up with this shit deserves an award. One called Oscar.

“Spirits in the house, I summon thee. Spiritus blah blah blah... - fake Latin-...” she starts poking herself with the dildo and immediately starts getting multiple orgasms it seems. I didn’t know a dildo was really just as good as me.

Did I mention she’s fucking hot? I’m not sure so here goes: She’s fucking hot. I’d marry her on the spot. I’m not sure about that line about being willing to eat a mile of her shit just to see where it comes from but if I was ever to do something like that, it would be for her.

After some time it’s special effect time again. The dildo flies out of her twat, Bobby Vitale shows up as the next ghost and she gets plowed hard and mercilessly like a frozen acre in the midst of winter.

Cut. She gets out of the house in huge stilettos and the tiniest dress and looks hotter than everything I’ve ever seen. I think I’m in love.

The end.

After watching this movie you’ll want to marry Briana Banks and be best friends with Dillion Day.

Promise.