Ace of Base
"Happy Nation"

Remember Ace of Base? If not, just take ABBA and add some early 90’s dance-floor embarrassment. I just found their debut album “Happy Nation” in my basement, where it was busy collecting dust. Supposedly it holds the Guinness World Record for the most successful album ever (in some strange way that I don’t care to investigate). Fortunately, for you, I decided to let you in on the deep thoughts flying through my head while reliving the joy that this gem provided me with about thirteen years ago.

One look at the track list and, to my dismay, there’s no joy left to speak of. The reason: my favorite song, “The Sign”, was apparently only included on the re-release for the US and Japanese markets, and probably also in every other country that’s not called Germany. They shouldn’t have called this album “Happy Nation”, but “All That She Wants, and the songs that aren’t called The Sign” instead.

“The Sign” is such a dreamy song. You ought to know. Do any of you remember the Full House episode in which little Stephanie formed a band and the only song they ever rehearsed was “The Sign”? There’s no doubt that Full House sucked horse dick, much like the Olsen Twins have continued to do, but both “The Sign” and Jodie Sweetin ruled. What a great episode. Not even Bob Saget could ruin it, and that’s saying something.

And that great song, “The Sign”, still isn’t on my copy of the album - just because I was a fan from the beginning, and didn’t wait until Ace of Base were superstars to get their album. I didn’t wait until it became cool to like Ace of Base, when everybody else bought the thing, and that’s how they thank me for that?!

How rude!

Excuse me? Stephanie, is that you?

Who else do you think would actually use some uber-gay catch-phrase like that? Fucking idiot.

Hey now. That’s no language for a little girl, Stephanie. How old are you, eight or something? By the way, can I call you just Steph? Having watched your show you’re like an old friend, after all.

Listen, you dork, my name’s Jodie; I’m 24, have been married to a cop while supporting a meth-addiction and most porn stars are jealous of the way I look. What are you, a pedophile or something?

Err, no… sorry. Can’t say I am. But now that you’re here anyway, tell us what’s your favorite song on here, besides the blatantly absent “The Sign”?

“The Sign” fucking sucks! It marked the end of my career as a TV-show rock star, after all. What makes you think I even picked that bunch of Swedish pop tarts myself? I was playing guitar in that episode, what guitarist in her right mind would pick Ace of Base of all bands?

Okay, fine. Never mind. Get the hell out of my review, then. What a bitch. Anyway… I’m still pissed the song’s not on there, but I guess I should shut up about it no, huh?

A look at the insert is rather placatory again, due to the fact that the two morons who are accountable for the music on this record are called “Joker” and “Buddha”. Was that supposed to sound edgy? I’m not sure. Anyhow, Joker’s two sisters Jenny and Linn also did all the singing on here.

What else is there… the music? Okay, let’s see.

It starts out with some song called “Voulez-Vous Danser?”, which is French for “Do you want to dance?” and I barely remember it anymore, even 5 seconds after the song is over. It’s not bad, though. Rather fast and danceable. Pretty cool vocals, if you can look past the twofold irritating Swedish accents in their half-assed slaughterhouse English and French. Well, even though I’m drunk I can’t think of anything else to write about here. Go away, song. Be over!

Thank you.

“All That She Wants”! I have a feeling that I already mentioned that I like this song, somewhere above. In fact, it’s fucking awesome. One of pop music’s all-time greats - for real! Cool, original and quite unusual off-beat rhythms from the synths together with the rather woeful vocal melody lines make this track seem pretty weird at first listen, but it’s actually quintessential ear candy for that very reason. You’d realize that if you actually listened to my review for a change, bought this fucking record and tried to get this song out of your head afterwards. Yeah, don’t sweat it; I’ve given up convincing anyone long ago. (As I have given up on getting this song out of my head.)

I remember liking the next song, “Münchhausen (Just Chaos)”, a lot when the album came out. Weird. I don’t remember being retarded in 1993. But it’s not that bad, to be honest. I just remembered it being less techno-esque. It’s actually pretty dark. I think it would even work in some modern goth club, if those posers didn’t know what it was, which, come to think of it, they clearly wouldn’t, since they’re usually about 14 years old and never experienced real pop and dance music that spawned all the ridiculous electronic music they listen to nowadays in the first place. Anyway, it’s a decent song, and coming from experienced old me, that means a whole lot.

Next is the title track, and I’m already amazed I haven’t found a really shitty track on here yet, as this one’s pretty good, too. The drum rhythms are a bit dull but the melodies make up for it. Again, there are the bastardized Reggae keys as well. This one has an almost cold, oriental vibe to it. Hard to explain, really. Good thing I’m not a writer reviewing this, or something, and have to try to convey something anyway. Oh, wait… err, next!

Song number five is called “Waiting for Magic” and it’s also called awesome; by me! The monotone bass drum annoys the hell out of me but the song is too catchy to suffer from it. I haven’t listened to it in at least 12 years and I immediately recognized it. That’s the definition of pop music for you right there. This actually sounds just like the shit Madonna would make years later. Which sucked, in my opinion, but well, you can’t expect much stuff in this category to compete with the early Madonna, considering that shit was better than sex and alcohol combined.

You know, I swore to myself that I was not going to do a whole track-by-track review of this album and here I am, praising every song so far like the total nerd that I am. Where’s the bottle? I need a break. Did I mention it’s incredibly hot in here? I’m fucking dying, it must be about 100° of your ridiculous Fahrenheits, and the fucking sun is long gone, mind you.

Okay, “Fashion Party” didn’t sound familiar but the song certainly is. Which is not really a good thing. It’s kind of the same brand of goth-techno in disguise as “Münchhausen” before it, just a million times worse. Whoa, I can’t handle this one until it’s over. And I managed to review a whole damn Hasselhoff album in one sitting while listening to it! I really wish I knew how to scratch CDs to erase certain songs. Avoid at all costs.

The next song, however, is a hit again. “Wheel of Fortune” might even be the second best song on here, and the third best Ace of Base ever did. Finally, no techno-bass drum! This alone makes it a ten in my book. (Out of eleven. Perfect it’s not, come to think of it. It’s called “Wheel of Fortune” and not “The Sign”, after all.) The awesome melodies don’t hurt either. It’s so good I’ll stop writing about it to sit back and listen to it all the way through.

Okay, so I just needed an excuse to get my hands free for another drink and a smoke, so fucking what?!

It’s over now. Kind of sad. But I’m a trooper, so let’s go on. Wait, I just looked at the track list and I don’t remember any of the titles that are left. Not a good omen. I guess I’ll just sit here and inform you whenever a good song comes on again.

Nope.

Still not.

Same old, same old.

You know, not bad, all those other songs, but I could just copy and paste some shit I wrote above, change the titles and it would fit.

Hell, why not?

Okay, “My Mind” didn’t sound familiar but the song certainly is. Which is not really a good thing. It’s kind of the same brand of goth-techno in disguise as “Fashion Party” before it, just a million times worse. Whoa, I can’t handle this one until it’s over. And I managed to review a whole damn Hasselhoff album in one sitting while listening to it! I really wish I knew how to scratch CDs to erase certain songs. Avoid at all costs.

Got it?

Then there’s a bunch of redundant remixes of songs I already covered above. They all suck, and I’m too lazy (read: drunk) to listen to the last two original ones. Fuck off. The only thing left worth mentioning would probably be that “The Sign” is not on this album. Bummer.

Yeah, well, that’s it. I really wonder how often I misspelled “Ace of Base” as “Ace of Spades” above, but that’s my editor’s problem. That always happens to me when I’m drunk and I try to talk some innocent people into listening to this band for some reason. You know, “Ace of Spades”? Like the Motörhead song? Maybe not. Anyway, I’d rather die than read this mess again and check it for mistakes. Good night.


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