Dead Rebel Society - Gospels Of Grace - School Of Parental Bliss

Welcome to another class on how to properly raise your children without inconveniencing yourself and having to make annoying sacrifices in your daily life.

Class 3 – Friends are Satan

Once your kid hits that age when he or she starts to get interested in hanging out with other kids, you will have to be alert and immediately take control of the situation. Some know-it-alls will tell you that friends are a most vital and stimulating ingredient in a child’s upbringing, teaching them social interaction skills and such, but I am here to tell you to keep those nasty buggers off your lawn.

The problem is twofold:

1. Other People’s Kids

A nightmare scenario in any parent’s household is having some other dork’s kid over for a play date. Words cannot describe how this will infringe on any kind of quality time you were hoping to spend with yourself or your spouse.

First of all, you will have to put up the appearance of your own kid living some kind of normal life at your house. This means that you will have to lock the door to the kid’s basement and make up the guest room to look like it is normally inhabited by your brat. You will have to make sure there are ample sources of entertainment provided in the room so they won’t come out and bother you, and you will have to vacuum and dust like some bitch in case the kid has a dust allergy or something. They always do.

Then it starts… Of course the kid comes with a whole fucking list of dos and don’ts. They can’t have any dairy products. They’re afraid of dogs. They are allergic to nuts, and they need to take this red pill at 5 o’clock.

Here’s a tip for you, a piece of advice from somebody smarter and more experienced than you:

Don’t give the visiting kid that red pill and then make him/her a big fat PB&J sandwich for dinner. Then when the kid’s parents come to the ER to pick up their precious, you can bet your ass you won’t have to put up with the little free loader again any time soon.

Another way to make sure the kid won’t come back, if you get one of those bug resistant ones who can eat anything in your fridge, is to make a spectacle out of yourself, embarrassing your kid and making the parents uncomfortable at drop-off. Opening the door in only your Batman underwear while sipping a beer and scratching your belly is a sure card to play. Yell “PAAARTYYY!” and crush the can against your forehead when the parent is handing you the overnight bag.

For that is the worst - the sleep over. Not only do you have to put up with the little snots for an evening, they’re fucking moving in! That shit you gotta stop at the door.

This seamlessly leads us into the second problem scenario…

2. Your own kid going to a friend’s house

See, this is bad. It’s like letting a caveman out into the streets of Manhattan, letting him taste the freedom of fresh air and the wonders of a dirty water hot dog in the park. Your kid will see how other kids live and realize that their toys aren’t nailed to the floor and that their sandbox isn’t filled with reinforced concrete. They even sleep in beds and get fed stuff that doesn’t come out of an Alpo can. Spoiled rotten bastards.

Your kid will come home with an attitude. Demanding all sorts of shit, like breakfast and a ride to school.

You can go either of two ways here:

First, make your list even more impossible than the amateur riders parents usually write for their brats:

“Dear Mrs. Wonderbread…

Our child needs her Electro Shock Therapy every hour on the hour. Please find a tazer gun enclosed. (Point the sparkly end away from you, aimed at the kid.)

She also needs to take her medication in regular 5 minute intervals. Make sure you give her a double dose of the Rohypnol right before it’s time for us to come pick her up. The Xanax she eats like candy. We even drew happy faces on them with a magic marker so you can tell them apart from the Prozac. As a matter of fact, just give her a spoon and a lighter and she will take care of herself.

Thank you,

Mr. and Mrs. Grace

PS. She ONLY eats filet mignon, but only at home, so just put a couple in a box for her and send it home with her. Thanks. (Medium rare, please – heavy on the pepper.)”

See, that’s a rider. Your kid won’t be going back there.

And then you have the even better way of dealing with this:

Don’t pick her up, change the locks and the phone number, and yell at them in make-believe Russian when they try to pawn her off on you a couple of days later.

Some parents are persistent, so make sure you check out the gun laws where you live before trying any of these suggestions at home. If they are on your lawn, technically you could shoot them.

And shoot them you should. There is nothing worse than others kids’ fucking parents. The only thing you have in common with those assholes is that your kids are in the same class. So? Just because the little idiots struggle through Curious George together in 5th grade, doesn’t mean that I give a shit about how the Dolphins are doing. Go fuck yourself and take your fucking kid with you.

Dumbasses…

The ultimate solution, and also more realistically implemented into actual parenting, to this Friends Problem takes a little patience and skill on your part:

The Invisible Friend

It is good for your kid to have an invisible friend. Don’t believe the Doctor Phils of the world. They don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about – or they can afford better drugs than you can. Invisible friends rock! They don’t make noises, they don’t cost money, and they sure as hell keep the kid out of your hair all the same.

If your child is of the unimaginative sort you might have to help him/her out a little. Put out an extra plate every night for “Sally” and encourage your child to ask “Sally” how dinner was. Tell your kid to go play videogames with her new little friend and that if she goes to bed early the two of them can have a sleep over together. Eventually you make a big deal out of the fact that “Sally” will now be moving into your kid’s room with her and as long as they keep it down she can stay there. Soon your kid will be living in a make believe world in her room, out of your way.

To take this one step further you will have to wait for that perfect moment, when your kid is totally warped in unreality – hanging out with her invisible friend 24/7, and then you deliver the final blow… Tell her, as she steps off the bus one Friday afternoon, that “Sally” was kidnapped by a crazy stranger and then died in a car crash when the police tried to chase them down. It’s really sad, kid, but what are you gonna do?

Your kid will be so heartbroken that the only option left to her will be to play with her fingers and rock back and forth, banging the back of her head against a wall. Fingers are cheap. Walls aren’t. Just buy her a drool cup and a padded helmet and you’re all set until she can be put in a clinic at 18.

Class dismissed.

Kids suck. Tell me about it on my Guest Page.