Parenting can be a real drag. Damn noisy kids always up your ass, craving food, love, care and other crap. Who died and made them the Kings and Queens of your life anyway? Oh, that's right - you did. Your old happy free self withered and died at the hands of these little demons you lovingly nurture at your bossom, only to get your tits bitten off and spat back. Where is the pay off?
This is exactly why I started my own school for you frustrated moms and dads out there, wanting to make the most out of your parenting experience. What humbly started out as a therapeutical thread on the DRS message board, has now gotten its own forum here on my page, in hopes of reaching even further millions of desperate parents. (If I ever find the old classes, I will put them up as well.)
It's OK. I'm here now... Shhhh... Calm the fuck down. By signing up for my classes, you will learn how to revive your old spirits, simply by taking a few precautions and implementing some new strategies into your interactions with your child.
See, it is possible to be a parent and still be yourself, doing your things, without having to dedicate every waking hour to making your children happy. That's what Playstation is for anyway.
So sit the fuck down, and shut the fuck up. Class is in session.
Class 2: Kids and Drugs
There comes a time in each parent’s life when the subject of drugs has to be approached. Our kids are bound to be subject to controlled substances one day and it is our jobs as parents to prepare them for the inevitable.
Here follows a brief overview of what substances you might have at home that qualify as drugs, and what steps you can take to make the most, or least, of them.
1.
Benadryl – You can dope your kid up on this magical little pink pill even at an early age. It puts them in a deep slumber that lasts till bedtime. After that, they’re on their own anyway. You can mash the Benadryl pill in with a banana or just stick it down their throats and clasp their mouths shut. Either way you are doing yourself a favor by buying yourself some quality Alone Time.
Benadryl – You can dope your kid up on this magical little pink pill even at an early age. It puts them in a deep slumber that lasts till bedtime. After that, they’re on their own anyway. You can mash the Benadryl pill in with a banana or just stick it down their throats and clasp their mouths shut. Either way you are doing yourself a favor by buying yourself some quality Alone Time.2.Sugar – "The White Evil". You should at all times prohibit your children from ingesting any kind of food or snack containing sugar. Sugar makes them bounce off the walls like the mayor of Washington looking for his crack pipe. Sugar is your enemy. If the little fucks could cook it on a spoon and shoot it, they would. This must be nipped in the bud by early introductions to the wonders of brussel sprouts and other over cooked vegetables. Vegetables are an excellent source of vitamins and other crap, but the real bonus is that you can scrape them off your plate onto theirs. What the fuck do I have to eat that crap for? I’m a grown up. I paid my dues as a kid. It’s their time to suffer mushy asparagus and mashed cauliflower.
Sugar – "The White Evil". You should at all times prohibit your children from ingesting any kind of food or snack containing sugar. Sugar makes them bounce off the walls like the mayor of Washington looking for his crack pipe. Sugar is your enemy. If the little fucks could cook it on a spoon and shoot it, they would. This must be nipped in the bud by early introductions to the wonders of brussel sprouts and other over cooked vegetables. Vegetables are an excellent source of vitamins and other crap, but the real bonus is that you can scrape them off your plate onto theirs. What the fuck do I have to eat that crap for? I’m a grown up. I paid my dues as a kid. It’s their time to suffer mushy asparagus and mashed cauliflower.3.Ritalin – Let’s face it. All kids are stupid and hyper-active. Since we can now give their behavior a fancy label – Attention Deficit Disorder (Latin for "Annoying Little Brat") – we can also medicate them. Ritalin takes the edge off a kid’s natural urge to be everywhere at once and sticking their little noses where they don’t belong. Since one of the unfortunate side effects is insomnia, you might want to double up on the Benadryl. Go to Wal-Mart and buy both in bulk.
Ritalin – Let’s face it. All kids are stupid and hyper-active. Since we can now give their behavior a fancy label – Attention Deficit Disorder (Latin for "Annoying Little Brat") – we can also medicate them. Ritalin takes the edge off a kid’s natural urge to be everywhere at once and sticking their little noses where they don’t belong. Since one of the unfortunate side effects is insomnia, you might want to double up on the Benadryl. Go to Wal-Mart and buy both in bulk.Now, maybe you are wondering whether your child actually does suffer from ADD? Ask yourself the following:
* Is my child annoying?
* Does my child crave my constant attention?
* Is my child’s volume set to Spinal Tap 11?
* Does my child run around like a Tasmanian Devil on a coke binge?
If you answered any of these questions with a “yes”, then of course your child is loaded with ADD. Take Dr. Grace’s word for it and start the medication tonight.
4.Cough Medicines – Now we’re moving into heavier drugs. NyQuil and its buddies are the super heroines of the medicine chest. These should be used for those times when you need to quickly dump the kid and sneak away to the bedroom for some daylight sex with your spouse, or when you just want to go out and spend money on anything but the kid. Cough medicines are instant kid removers, like one of those infomercials where the stains come off the copper pots. (See? Like magic...)
Cough Medicines – Now we’re moving into heavier drugs. NyQuil and its buddies are the super heroines of the medicine chest. These should be used for those times when you need to quickly dump the kid and sneak away to the bedroom for some daylight sex with your spouse, or when you just want to go out and spend money on anything but the kid. Cough medicines are instant kid removers, like one of those infomercials where the stains come off the copper pots. (See? Like magic...) One really good bonus with these medicines is that they taste absolutely fucking gross, so they can be part of a clever punishment as well. What are you waiting for? Instant gratification is around the corner.
Important side note: Since cough medicines contain sugar to a certain degree, make sure you make the child eat a bowl of soggy eggplant. That will teach him or her not to think you were fooled there for a second. That won’t happen.
The interesting developments you will notice between you and your child when you introduce him or her to the drugs of your choice will enhance the parenting experience immensely; even more so when your kids hit that certain age in their early teens and want to go out and go nuts with their friends. As a mom or dad, you have a Master’s Degree in Hypocrisy from the Univeristy of Double Standards by default, so put on that parental frown and tell them that if they as much as look at a person who talks about drugs, you will kill them deader than fuck. If you catch them with pot anywhere, they will be grounded until Armageddon.
Emphasize by blowing smoke in their face for effect.
The Gospels
of Grace
School Motto:
"This is not a Democracy, kids - It's a Hypocrisy!"
Other Classes in the School of Parental Bliss:
Class 1: Mysteriously missing...
Class 2: Kids & Drugs
Class 3: Friends are Satan
Class 4: You - The Role Model
Class 5: Crime and Punishment
