Worship Her!

Do you know what day it is today? It’s July 1st. The most important day of the year. The day She was born in Ladysmith, Canada, on a Saturday at 4:08 in the morning. This frankly beats the day I was born, or the day anyone else I know was born, including Jesus. Never mind all those other days he pulled any other shenanigans, like dying, coming back from the dead and all that crap. Don’t even get me started on the rest of the national holidays. Oh, and just in case you’re completely clueless, today marks July 1st, XXXIX AP*, of course. And if you’re even more clueless than I thought was humanly possible, pay the fuck attention now: The One I’m paying tribute to on the occasion of Her birthday, is none other than Pamela Denise Anderson.

In the following elaborate monologue, I will try to make you understand how I came to worship her and why She is the most important human being in the world:


Dude, look at Her!


Okay, that was too easy. And it made me look too shallow. I’m deep, after all. Let’s try this again…

Me and Pamela Anderson go way back. In fact, my love for Her has even been more steady than my love for music so far, which I often claim as my main interest in life. I can go back and forth between gay 80’s pop and punk rock, but there has never been variety in the form of some flat-chested, brunette female. I’ve been in love with Her since even before I discovered alcohol, and surprisingly even that didn’t terminate our great bond of affection (although just about everything else I was up to at that point - but that’s a different story).

It all started with the greatest TV show of all time. I am, of course, talking about “Baywatch”. All the stunning blonde chicks on there would have been enough to make the show a hit - and rightfully so! – and Erika Eleniak certainly was a great start, but it wasn’t until Pam joined the cast in 1992, along with Nicole Eggert, that it became a true classic. I immediately developed a huge crush on Casey Jean “C.J.” Parker, the lifeguard, without even realizing She was called Pamela Anderson in real life at first. From the minute I first laid my unworthy eyes upon Her, I was sold forever. From that point on I imposed a strict code of “You shall have no other bimbos before Her” on myself.

I watched the show like it was my religion. And when that wasn’t enough anymore I started hunting for re-runs of “Home Improvement”, where She had had a small role from 1991 to 1993. You know, it didn’t have to be a bathing suit for me, I liked Her just fine in those ugly working overalls - or working hot pants, perhaps… I didn’t care. There are no clothes capable of covering that insane amount of beauty anyway. And there shouldn’t be. So the next logical step to get my fix was, of course, Playboy. Not in motion, but naked. Not that bad of a deal if you ask me.

Nonetheless, by the time I had seen all there was to see of Her, on TV and in print, I started thinking about how much more awesome it would be to combine motion picture with nudity (novel concept, I know), and thus I found out about Her incredible movies “Snapdragon”, the ingenious “Raw Justice”, as well as “Naked Souls”. Her, on the screen, starring in cheap soft porn-like trash; pure heaven. And last, but not least, the terribly underrated cineastic masterpiece “Barb Wire”. *sigh*

But just when I thought I had seen it all, and could finally die a happy man, all my achievements were overshadowed by the release of Her Ultimate Movie. Do I even have to spell it out? Her wedding home video with Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee. They got it in at the local video store and I rented it at least ten times until I was broke. Mind you, this was all before the internet and having all the porn and celebrity nipple slips at the tips of your fingers. This was new. This was outrageous. This was just awesome. Needless to say, this boy here was beyond happy to see his favorite human being in the world, baring all. Well, more than just baring all. As pretty much everybody on this planet already knows, it contains gorgeous explicit nudity, and shows then-husband Tommy penetrate several of Her glorious orifices.

But surprisingly, no matter how often I watched Her with a dick in her beautiful mouth - and God knows I watched that quite a few times -  not even that could ruin my innocent dreams. There was no trace of vulgarity in my flawless image of Her. When I think of Her, I imagine our souls mating, rather than copulation of the flesh. My fondness goes way deeper than carnal desires. It’s more of a magical, transcendental yearning, or some profound shit like that.

Don’t get me wrong, though. There is certainly nothing wrong with Her flesh. Pamela Anderson is the closest thing nature has ever come to create perfection. Shut the fuck up, all you jealous killjoys; plastic surgeons count as nature too. Besides, She already oozed perfection before She had had any surgery done. It’s not about Her body anyway, as magnificent as it may be - she just has the loveliest face I’ve ever seen. I think I’d love Her just the same if She put on another 100 pounds. Her cute nose is beyond pretty - it might just be my favorite part of Her, and those lips when She smiles, those misty eyes of Hers... A dream made flesh.

And She pulled it off to look perfect for almost 20 years now. When you see Her in “Stacked" on TV nowadays She has obviously aged, but She’s without a doubt still the same woman I fell in love with in the early 90’s. I am sure She will still look great twenty years from now – the ultimate milf. Hell, make that the ultimate Beverly Hilf. If there’s any justice in this world She will be remembered as the prototype for all women, for eternity. Marilyn who?

If I didn’t have such enormous respect for Her feelings I’d start stalking Her like there was no tomorrow. I love Her so much that in my next life, I want to be a tortured animal whose fur will be ripped off its live body, just so She will care as much about me as I care about Her - the sucker for PETA that she is.

Happy birthday, Pamela Denise Anderson… I hope Your life gives You as much pleasure as it gave mine, and hopefully always will continue to give me, for You will never die. Amen.

Your biggest admirer,

Baz

And now start celebrating, bitches! Throw a huge party, revel for three days straight and ignore that petty 4th of July crap afterwards. Spread the word! Worship Her! World Pamination!

PS. For real now: Pamela Anderson-Bullhorn… it has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?


* ”Anno Pamini”, you imbecile





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