December 23rd

Beppo Cries For the Children

By

Beppo Blitzkrieg

So my fucking sister picks me up in her husband’s fucking Mercedes (and I spill chili on the carpet – on purpose), and all the nieces and nephews are flying around the backseat like it’s fucking Armageddon. My dear sweet sister puts on a Christmas station to calm everybody’s nerves.

One minute later I fall out of the car, laughing my ass of.

“Do they know it’s Christmas” …

I mean… All these Fat Cats of Pop got together and cried for the fucking children to raise money for a poor starving Africa. A noble project and well executed. But what the fuck about the lyrics?

Maybe it’s an 80’s thing. We all lived a spaced out existence back then, fucked up on drugs and high on Reagan’s money, and even global problems like infant deaths and mass starvations were something that could be solved with a line of coke and a cheery tune.

There's a world outside your window,

and it's a world of dread and fear

Where the only water flowing

is the bitter sting of tears

And the Christmas bells that ring there

are the clanging chimes of doom

Well tonight thank God it's them

instead of you

See? It’s cozy us in here, against the pesky starving people out there. Well, nice to see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya. Thank fucking God indeed! Thank God I don’t have flies crawling on my eyeballs. I would have a spastic revulsion and just die. Thank God it’s them getting impaled on each other’s protruding ribs when they do the old Hopalong Cassidy, and not me. How the fuck do they reproduce anyway? I mean, they probably wouldn’t starve so much unless they didn’t make more people to starve along with them in the first place. How does that shit go down? “Well, honey. We ain’t got no food, my stomach has eaten itself to block out the hunger pains, you look like I just dug you up from the bottom of the dried out river bed, your snaggletoothed grin freaks me the fuck out and that fucking fly on your eyeball isn’t really doing it for me either. Me so horny. Wanna fuck?”

Jesus… Skull fucking is underrated as a contraceptive method. Nothing says population control like an empty eye socket.

Anyway. I digress… What else is new?

The song... “Do they know it’s Christmas?” All those happy 80’s pop stars at that swell party, gathering around the grand piano, smiling to each other and kissing under the mistletoe, getting ready to toast the poor devils in Africa… wishing them happier times:

Here's to you - raise a glass for everyone

Here's to them - underneath that burning sun

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Everybody now:

Here's to you - raise a glass for everyone

Here's to them  - underneath that burning sun

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

How fucking funny is that? Wasn’t it that French whore, Queen Marie Antoinette, who said, “Well, why don’t they eat cake?”, when she found out that the starving population of Paris didn’t have bread to feed their kids. Naivety – Priceless if you have a fucking Mastercard I guess.

And I saved the best line for last:

“And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime “

I am sure that was on top of everybody’s wish list in Ethiopia that year:

1.Lots of snow

2.Water

3.Food

4.Medicine

5.More snow

Can you imagine? These miserable bastards laying there dying on the cracked mud, just skin and bones, waiting for the end to descend upon them. Vultures circling the sky in lazy turns. Death is in the air. The starving people have no resistance left in their frail bodies. If somebody sneezes on the other side of the village, half the people die from the fucking draft. They look up to the sky, with eyes yellow from whatever the shit turns eyes yellow (what am I, a fucking eye doctor?), and they send a last prayer to the great Spirit in the Sky: “Please, Mighty One… Send us a big ass blizzard.”

Nigga', puhlease!