Artwork used with permission from Neverland Music Inc.
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System of a Down
"Mesmerize"
Rating: or
Reviewed by:
Beppo Blitzkrieg
Psst…
Come closer. Come here!
I ain’t gonna bite you, motherfucker. Who am I, motherfucking Michael Jackson? The Jesus Juice is all mine.
OK, huddle up. Uncle Beppo is gonna let you in on a secret.
Ready?
OK.
I FUCKING HATE SYSTEM OF A DOWN!
There. Shhh… Now don’t tell that Jihad looking motherfucking singer of theirs, ‘cause I just know he’s gonna show up at my door, rip his jacket open and blow us all to fucking Kingdom Come.
I could never fucking stand their MTV fashioned nu-metal shit with the crappy vocals. Whenever I heard them I would run screaming down the street like some sort of syndrome-addled motherfucker, shoving women and children out of my way, trampling old ladies’ pugs and snatching their bags in the process. In short; me and SOAD never really saw eye to eye with the fact they fucking suck. It’s OK. Much better bands than they have suffered from the same delusional misconceptions about their own qualities. After all, that’s why I am here.
So why am I telling you this? You need these words of wisdom like I need another drink. Interpret that as you will.
There have been some serious changes in the System of a Down camp. No, the Jihad looking mad Arab motherfucker is still there, but apparently they scored some majorly fucked up drugs, ‘cause this new album, “Mesmerize”, is just as spaced out as running a Star Trek episode backwards to the sound of Shostakovich while receiving Electro Shock Therapy (remind me to cancel tomorrow’s appointment – I’m set for a motherfucking week now).
This album is fucking nuts. I should know.
I’ll tell you why I even bothered to check it out. I was walking down the street, as one does, minding everybody’s business – giving friendly advice and fashion tips to the ignorant fucks in my general vicinity - when the Universe opened a window in my head and spoke to me:
“Psst, Beppo! BLAST OFF!”
And then this fucking music filled every sense of my fucking being like I was a virgin cheerleader at a Carolina Panthers football camp. This car passed by and played this fucking song that sounded like I had stuck my head in a food processor while someone tapped the “pulse” button as fast as they could. Motherfucker! You have heard the song on the radio. The one with people dancing in the desert, chilling with the Lizard King, blowing up sunshine and all sorts of fucked up shit. Amazing! I started running after the car, in dense NY after hours traffic, ignoring the cops shooting rubber bullets after me as I crashed into one of their goddamn horses (what is this, fucking Canada anyway?) and accidentally flipped the fucking thing over. I might have been foaming at the mouth, I am not sure. Eventually, to my dismay and ignored protest, a fucking cop shot me with one of those tazer thingies and I came in my pants before I passed out. (What? I have to marry the fucking copper now?)
After my editor bailed me out, I decided to seek out the source of my insanity. And that’s why we are here now, paying close attention to the fuckuppedness that is the new SOAD CD, “Mesmerize”.
Think Queen at their wackiest: “Bicycle Race”, “Bohemian Rhapsody” and “Fat Bottomed Girls”. Shit like that. Now add Scatterbrain to the mix. Remember them? Old late 80’s band with fucked up nursery rhyming songs and other motherfunking oddities. Then add a Mad Arab, any Mad Arab will do. How about that crazy Jihad looking motherfucker from SOAD? See how that works? Then add a sloppy band playing nu-metal riffs and an annoying emo singer to sing all the choruses. OK, doesn’t sound so fucking good, does it? BLEEEEEEK! Wrong, motherfucker! This is why I write these reviews, and not you! (Note from your Editor: No, you write these reviews because your mommy asked me to give you a job. She was afraid you were going to have to move in with her again.) This sounds great! This is GREAT! This is the ultimate soundtrack to my motherfucking crappy life! These motherfuckers are even crazier than I am!
They just screwed up on the cover, but that’s OK. They can’t be perfect. I made a new one for them and will be sending it to them, along with a friendly note on how too much make up makes you look like a sexually challenged raccoon motherfucker. Here it is:
Apparently the guitar player, the gay ass braided goat-looking fag - Daron Malakian - was given free reins with the writing and arrangements for this album, and by all fucked up Gods out there, he did an amazing job! Some songs sound like something you would hear coming out of the speakers as you ride the Merry-Go-Round at a demented carnival, backwards. Other songs pedal between incredibly harmonic and fucking bunny-cute to just absolutely insane instrumental mayhem. Daron performs half the vocals on the album, and whether you hate his voice or not (I fucking hate his voice – wonder if he wants some fucking cheese with that whine?) they add a mother-fan-fucking-tastic melodic touch to this album. As for our friend, Old Crazy Jihad… I have no clue what the fuck he’s on about. I don’t speak any dialects of Camel, but he is using his voice like a motherfucking instrument here to just bring on the madness. (Kinda like how I use this review to challenge my own mental status and channel my lunacy to you in the process. It’s all good. I feel better already. Thanks.)
The more I listen to this, the more fucked up it gets. It really does sound like motherfucking Scatterbrain at times, but maybe also the insane breakdowns that Annihilator sometimes get all crack headed with.
Motherfucking sick shit!
Buy it.
