Don’t you hate it when you’re sitting on the last train home and that fucking kid from the boondocks gets on halfway there, drunk as fuck with his denim jacket all soiled with vomit and shit? He looks dazed and confused as he stumbles through the car. And then he sees you, a fellow metal head - even though you have more in common with the plethora of bacteria living in his hair than with him per se, he throws you the devil horns and screams “Metal never dies!!!!!” That is the moment when you either drop kick him or shrug helplessly and assure the hot chick across from you that you have never seen the guy before. She doesn’t believe you and moves into the next car where she is happily accosted by Hector the Fly Guy. Business as usual in Beppo Land.
Anyway… He was right. The fucking metal kid, I mean. Maybe he draws his wisdom from the black headband with the Crue pentagram on it? Maybe it’s the unholy forces that lurk in the big Venom “Black Metal” patch on the back of his jacket? Who the fuck knows, but it doesn’t matter - he’s right.
Metal isn’t dead. Not dead as fuck, at least. It is just a little harder to find these days and it comes in some gay packages, too, that you have to look past to get to the good stuff. Take Nocturnal Rites for instance. They were always one of those middle of the road la-la Power Metal bands that didn’t really make any waves in the murky puddles of my mind. Until now… “Grand Illusion” is like their 29h album (or seventh – same thing) and it actually wins them the day because of its more melodic approach, rather than despite of it.
First of all… If you don’t like melodies in your metal you might want to have a big cup of Napalm Death and just ooze out the fucking door. This ain’t for you. Still here? I guess we’re both gay for this shit then. Wanna hold my hand? HA! See, I got you. Motherfucker... Stay the fuck away from me. I don’t care if you wanna get in touch with your inner homosexual side, as long as your inner homosexual side doesn’t try to get in touch with me.
Deal?
Anyway…
This album is one of those big pompous ass heavy metal albums that incorporates elements of catchy melodies a la TNT, Europe (I felt that shiver, boy – a disturbance in the force) and Edguy with heavier riffs a la Masterplan and Evergrey. They are by no stretch of the fucking imagination a unique band with a unique sound, fuck that, but they still do it far better than most of the other bands out there. Kinda like Tad Morose. This is timeless powerful metal with catchy choruses, heavy riffs, a fat production and pumping rhythms. I can see whole arenas in Germany breaking out in mass hypnotic sing along frenzies to this. Japan will slide off its fucking uncomfortable futon when they hear this. But it is also more than that. It has a dark edge to it, in the midst of all the soaring melodies. A shady twist to the upbeat music that kinda lurks like a big fucking bat in Uncle Beppo’s belfry. Mostly this is because the singer, Jonny Lindqvist, has a great voice. It is not your run-of-the-mill high pitched shrill banshee wail, but more a man’s voice. Let me repeat that… A man’s voice. This album would perhaps have been gay as fuck if it wasn’t for his powerful deep pipes. He adds that seriousness to a rather flimsy concept and it works like a motherfucker. I listened to this album yesterday and I still remember all the songs in my head today, and that is most fucking unusual. I don’t even remember my mother’s name in the morning but I can play this fucker on repeat in my brain all day long.
The best songs are “Fools Never Die”, “Still Alive” and the Metal Church sounding “Cuts Like a Knife”. Great guitar solos and cool drumming overall. The keyboards don’t even annoy me here. They’re more like big fat chords in the background than endlessly happy do-re-mi-fa-fucking-soloing up and down the keys.
I would give this album a solid “4” if it wasn’t for the fact that this genre is becoming a bit too fucking gay for words. To get a good score in this inbred sword-wielding dragon-slaying power and prog metal field you have to be fucking exceptional. Like Pagan’s Mind or the first Masterplan. “Pretty Fucking Good” doesn’t cut it in the bigger picture, unfortunately. Then again… if classic metal and darker power metal is your cup of tea you should have a field day with this fucking album. It’s the kind of metal that puts you in a good fucking mood all day long. Even for a cynical jaded bastard such as I.
I feel like putting on my old denim jacket with the Maiden “Killers” back patch and chatting up that chick on the train. Maybe I’ll get drunk first. Fuck yeah, I’ll do that.
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Nocturnal Rites
"Grand Illusion"
Rating:
Reviewed by:
Beppo Blitzkrieg
Artwork used with permission from Neverland Music Inc.
