Helloween

"Kepper of the Seven Keys - The Legacy"

Rating:                     

Ack.

I hate shit like this. There are certain albums that just define my teen years. When they get “complimented” by a sequel 10 to 20 years later, courtesy of a sad excuse of the band you once fell in love with, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, whether to celebrate or grieve. As a matter of fact, I do. I grieve. I grieve the fact that these fucking bands get stupid as they get older. It must be the drugs. Or the groupies with the syphilis.

The original “Keepers of the Seven Keys” was released in 1987, the same year as another all time favorite album of mine hit the streets, King Diamond’s “Abigail”. “Keepers 1” was a perfect manual for any up and coming Power Metal band to put a carbon copy paper behind and just start ripping off like there was no tomorrow. (And there is no tomorrow in Power Metal Land. It’s a place of Demons and Dragons, frozen in time – mullets and all.) The album defined a new brand of metal that Helloween themselves had helped spawn with “Walls of Jericho”. It stands the test of time to this day as one the most important milestones in the evolution of Heavy Metal.

Dramatic? Wait, it gets better.

Then we had “Keepers of the Seven Keys – Part 2” in 1988. Maybe it was inevitable. It was a brilliant way for Helloween to capitalize on their little funny pumpkin styled image, to separate themselves from the rest of the die hard serious-ass metal pack, and to still release one of the best follow ups ever recorded. It picked up where the first “Keepers” album left off, with a slightly more evolved sound and a little more aggressive bite.

Together the two albums made one hell of a listen. Memories… ZZzzz…

So now we get “Keepers of the Seven Keys – The Legacy” in 2005, seventeen years after the last “Keepers” album. Why? Because they need MONEY! Geld! Cash! Show me the money! Helloween’s career has spiraled downward like a storm-raped kite ever since “Pink Bubbles”, and even though I am sure there are at least two state religions in their name in Germany, they totally fell off the map in the rest of the world. Then again, the Germans are trying to vote Hasselhoff into Congress, so their credentials are not to be taken too seriously.

What’s wrong with this album then?

Nothing much.

It’s probably the best album they have released since “Keepers 2”, with the exception of “The Dark Ride”, of course.

So what is my problem with it?

Nothing much.

It is great to see Helloween trying to take on a refreshingly progressive approach to their sadly formulated and outdated metal, and still infuse it with some really good old school melodies and catchy choruses. Really good. Bravo. I’m impressed. Andi Deris’ voice sounds like shit, an affliction he has suffered from ever since he joined Helloween after his golden years in Pink Cream 69, and “Mrs. God”, the first single, is not a good song in any alternate universe or by any stretch of the imagination. It may very well be the worst song Helloween has ever recorded, right after “Windmill” of course (which coincidentally is the new National Anthem of Germany).

“Born on Judgment Day” has a good vintage Helloween sound to it, especially in the verse, and I find myself digging it. If it wasn’t for Andi’s horrid singing, of course. The man sounds more and more like Klaus Meine’s insane brother with every fucking album. Too bad their former singer, Michael Kiske, lost his goddamn mind and said his grand farewells to the music scene. This album with Kiske could have been extraordinary.

“Pleasure Drone” and “Silent Rain” kick up a minor storm and sport great riffs and smart melodies. Not necessarily true to old form, but more like the kind of songs that Helloween has been trying to write for the last 15 years, almost wishing into some half-assed existence, but never quite managed to (again - probably because of the syphilis and the drugs). Sometimes the drumming is a bit awkward, and… No, let me re-phrase that. It’s more like the drumming on “Rabbit Don’t Come Easy”; the rest of the band doesn’t know how to play along with more complex drumming. Shaped by the straightforward drumming of Kusch and Swichtenberg, they couldn’t hang with Mikkey Dee on that album and they are having problems at times making it click on this one as well, even though Dani Loeble isn't exactly Dr. Rhythm. I blame the producer, Charlie Bauerfeind. That’s his call. Make it work.

“Occasion Avenue” features some samples from the old Keepers albums, trying to make a connection that is not there, and has a weird choir in the chorus that, oddly enough, really works. The riff is a little too nu-metal to sit right in this song though, and the spoken chorus is a little gay. Since this is a long song, you get treated to all facets of Helloween, past and present, so don’t panic. Many good instrumental passages, and more vocal goodies from the choir, make for a decent epic. If it wasn't for Deris, but I said that twice already.

As on the other Keepers albums, we have the obligatory slow song on this one as well. In this case it’s “Light the Universe”, and like every other goddamn band out there they have borrowed the "vocal talents" of a female guest singer. What is this shit? I am so sick of these broken-accented Lacuna Coil wannabe wenches, gracing each and every new release with some pointless operatic singing. Anyway, Deris clashes with this chick like red on pink, and it is a painful experience to hear the song to its end.

And then the album goes downhill for a couple of tracks, with some “modern metal” that sounds anything but convincing coming from these old cheesy Power Metal icons. I can’t even hear what the hell Deris is singing in the chorus of one of them. It sounds like “jambalaya”, and I’m too lazy to see what the name of the song is, that's how bored I'm getting. Sue me. Or him. Yeah, sue him. No, wait… he has no money. That’s why they are releasing this album.

“The Shade in the Shadow” is much better. Except for 14-year old Tony-in-the-garage-with-an-electric-Hondo playing one-fingered solos by sliding up and down the fret board at random in the chorus. That really sounds horrible.

Blurgh! “Get It Up” starts off with the most patented generic drum beat I have ever heard (or, rather, heard too many times). Again it sounds as if the drummer and the band are playing together for the very first time. Maybe they at least should have kissed before they decided to fuck each other up the ass like this? The song is nothing to write home about. This is typical for the Helloween sound on later albums. Boring.

The album closes with “My Life for One More Day” (featuring Deris trying to sound like their ultra-original singer Kai Hansen on “Jericho”) and is kind of symptomatic for the whole album. By the time you reach the end of this song you’re sick of it. Same thing with the album. What started out really good, became bland and so-so.

If the band had been smarter they would have cut at least four of these songs out (including “Mrs. God”), given Deris the boot, and called the album anything but “Keepers 3”. With such a title the comparison to the original two is inevitable and as such it does not hold a fucking candle. It’s a good Power Metal album with some old school feel to it at times, mixed up with a more modern progressive sound, almost bordering on nu-metal every once in a while.

All in all, I feel a rather half-assed positive pointlessness emanating from the disc, as it tries to capitalize on former glory and falls short most of the time. (Hey, “Abigail 2” sucked ass too. Just sayin’.) Had they tried to make this an album in its own right, I could have cut them some slack. Maybe.

I doubt it.

“Mrs. God” is still the worst fucking Helloween song I have ever heard.

- Skeletal Grace

Reviewed by:

Skeletal Grace

Artwork used with permission from Neverland Music Inc.