What the hell is a “communic”? Some kind of Russian day care center? Do they even have day care centers in Russia or do they just put the kids on the street and let them fend for their motherfucking selves against mafiosos in bear hats and old ugly women with rolls in their hair? Who cares? Builds character. Hell, I was born in a traveling freak show and it never did me no fucking harm. At least that’s what my suicide coach tells me.
This is Communic, the band, not the day care center. They are from the land of proud seal clubbers and glorious church burners; Norway. There seems to be no happy medium in this country. Either you put on the motherfucking panda make up and bring your mother’s cat for the Friday Night Sacrifice, or you’re just gay as fuck with a big stupid grin on your face (usually these two extremes are two sides of the same person – fucking scary, I know).
Well, maybe now, that can all change since Communic is here to save the motherfucking day. I had never heard of these guys before my sweatshop editor sent me the CD, but Fuck Almighty did they blow me away! This album was released already in early summer, this year, but since you’re an uninformed motherfucker, just like I have been known to be at times, you didn’t know that shit. Better late than never, as my mom said when she heard I was clinically dead for three minutes in a hotel room in Frankfurt back in ‘85. (I swear, I saw motherfucking God and everything. He looked at me dead in the eye and said; “Welcome to Heaven, Beppo. Here’s your mop and bucket.” Smartass. I never touched a drop of alcohol again... For three days... Almost...)
Anyway. This CD, "Conspiracy in Mind", makes me a happy little buffalo indeed. Why, you ask with a big ass question mark floating over your empty little head? Because they do what Nevermore is already doing, but they do it the right way. This could actually be the one motherfucking album Nevermore will always wish they could write. It has all the appropriate trademarks; sinister guitar riffs, that cool dark atmosphere, complex rhythm patterns and a singer who could be Warrel Dane’s evil twin. But what Communic bring to the fucking table, that Nevermore don’t, is a motherfucking sense for fucking melody!
Fuck. I know. As soon as you say “melody” somebody nominates you for a Mr. Gay Sweden contest, but hear me the fuck out, OK? I won’t win anyway. Promise on my mother’s fucking grave. Lemmy would win before I did. Gay people hate me, Helloween fans hate me, PETA hates me... In short, 95% of the gay voters hate me – so just give that idea a rest for now, OK?
Melody, as I was saying before you so rudely interrupted me, is a good thing in progressive metal. Without melody you’re just one of those fucking annoying wind up monkeys with the cymbals. Without melody, you’re just an unemployed organ grinder without sense or purpose. I guess it’s OK if you’re into Death Metal to kinda put the melody shit on the back burner and go ape-shit as you unleash the fucking fury, but in this genre, progressive motherfucking metal, you gotta have melodies. And not some weak ass melodies either. Great fucking clever melodies that work with the fucked up uber-smart superilyduperous chord progressions it took the band 5 weeks to rehearse. The melody has to work over some screwed up time change that gives half the audience simultaneous nosebleed. In short, the more complex the music gets, the better the melodies have to be. That’s why a band like Dream Theater succeeded. They are the motherfucking masters of clever melodies. That is also why Nevermore will never amount to more than opening up for Dream Theater; they don’t know how to write cool melodies. I like Nevermore, they’re cool, but they’re never great.
Communic is great.
Who is Communic, you ask, once again with eyes shining like motherfucking windows? They are the guests of honor in this rant, you dumbass. This review is, as hard as it might be to fathom, about them. I may go off on tangents more than Mozart on an opium binge, but I always get back to the topic at hand eventually. (And people say I don’t know anything about music. Fucking bite me, you doubting Thomassholes.)
Anyway, Communic’s CD “Conspiracy In Mind” is fucking amazing. It has only seven songs, but true to the International Progressive Requirements & Guidelines they’re all like half a year long, so don’t think you’re buying some EP here. Every song is still carefully crafted to not bore you to motherfucking tears halfway through. They make enough happen in every song to keep you on your toes, but not so much that they lose track of the actual song. I think this is great. Oddleif, the singer, has one of the best voices I have heard in Metal in a long time, and the rest of the band should become famous mega superstars, since they can fucking play. Sadly, this will never happen, because Communic is on a little shit label, they have names nobody can pronounce sober and they play music only people who never got laid truly enjoy. That’s too motherfucking bad, because I can’t really see any metal fan, in any genre, not appreciating what these guys are doing. They’re heavy, they’re melodic, they’re technical, they’re atmospheric. Production is fat as an unclubbed Norwegian seal cub. The whole fucking package is great.
You won’t see these guys on Headbanger’s Ball anytime soon, so I guess you will just have to grow a set of balls and actually, GASP!, order them online, unheard! Perish the motherfucking thought! You,taking a chance? All on your own? Who would ever have thunk of such an unlikely motherfucking event? The wailing of Egypt has nothing on you as you realize this shit doesn’t come on a silver platter.
Stop being a little MTV damaged bitch, and just buy this album.