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Let's face it. All the good albums have already been released, a long time ago, and you were not even there to crack out on them the first time around.
In here OD shares with you the very best of the hard rock and metal classics.
Blue Öyster Cult - Agents of Fortune
Oh hell yeah, break out your fucking joints and your alcohol, motherfuckers - both if you are so inclined – because it’s time to step into the time machine and go back to good old 1976 and revisit the mighty Blue Oyster Cult album "Agents of Fortune". I keep hearing from people about how the latter release "Fire of Unknown Origin" is the best thing BOC ever did. I only have one thing to say to you people that think that:
ARE YOU ON FUCKING CRACK??!!!
Don't get me wrong "Fire" is a good album but it is nowhere near the caliber that "Agents" is. Why you ask? Let me tell you. Go get some fucking ritalin and try to follow along…
This ain't the Garden of Eden, motherfuckers, and it damn sure ain't the Summer of Love. The Angels above are a figment of your fucking imagination. Things aren't what they used to be, nor are they what they are supposed to be. BOC firmly reminds us of this in the opening track, "This Ain't the Summer of Love". Buck Dharma lays down one of his best guitar tones in this song. Thick and chunky. I highly suspect his white trademark (at the time) SG was not used to record this track for the rhythm work. Eric’s vocals suit this song to perfection, while Allen Lanier provides a very kick ass keyboard part. The Bouchard Brothers? Shit, boy, they are laying down a bottom end that just fucking slams.
"True, true confessions... I lied..." One of the best goddamn lines ever right there. This track, “True Confessions” (duh), is a throwback to late 50s, early 60s, style rock. It sounds goofy as fuck until you realize how smooth everything comes together. A boogie inspired keyboard melody dominates the song with Buck providing some counter melodies. Dig the sax solo with Buck right on its heels with a very pretty lead break. A very cool song with interesting lyrics overall. I can see why some people won't like it though, but I can also see how it sucks to be them.
"40,000 men and women everyday." Classic, but it still beats the fuck out of me - the significance of that lyric I mean. Fucking sounds cool though. Buck Dharma wrote and sang BOC’s first genuine hit song, “(Don't Fear) The Reaper”, and it still kicks mucho amounts of ass to this day. Sadly this song, and BOC, was made infamous by a fucked up skit on Saturday Night Live. That is NOT a cowbell you are hearing in the song for those of you who are tone deaf idiots. It is a wooden block. I am too lazy to look up the actual name of it. What the fuck am I? Your goddamn Elementary School music teacher? Look it up yourself, lazy fucks. Of more important notice is Buck’s screaming, crying lead break. This is how it is done boys and girls. Buck rips your ugly face off without playing a gazillion notes per minute. He opens it up with a bit of trem picking and then just proceeds to wring every bit of emotion out of his SG. A long sustaining feedback note, nicely bent, ends the solo as the vocals kick back in. Albert Bouchard is bashing the living shit out of his drum kit ending one of the most kick ass ballads ever written.
"Don't report this, Agents of Fortune!" Fuck yeah, time for some “E.T.I. - Extra Terrestrial Intelligence”. If I have to tell you what this song is about, your ritalin has already worn off and you need to up your fucking dose. This song opens with a cool ass riff that is more complicated than it sounds. Tons of fun to play if you play guitar yourself, though. Buck has tasty licks throughout this tune. This track also spawned the title of their third live album, the aptly titled E.T.L. (Extra Terrestrial Live). I highly recommend you pick that up as well at some time. Buck is his usual brilliant self during the lead. A stand out track on a stand out album.
"You're boned like a saint, with the consciousness of a snake." This is what Patti Smith’s voice informs us at the start of “The Revenge of Vera Gemini”. A crazy ass fucking song about a dude getting fucked over by his lover, or not. The lyrical content of this song is way the fuck out in left field. Here, just for you, I have saved you a Google search and give you the link to the lyrics:
Have fun, asshole. If you can make some sense out of those then maybe it is I who need the fucking ritalin. Maybe that ass clown, Beppo, can hook me up?
"I love you like, Sinful Love." Get down and boogie your asses off, motherfuckers. Buck has a very distinct Chuck Berry sound all throughout this tune. Kick ass fun to play, on your own 6 string weapon of destruction or just on the CD player – either way. Eric is telling all you fuckers who are pussy whipped how to take your shriveled dick back. Pay attention to his words. Give'em sinful love, but don't be a pigeon. I would write more about this tune, but typing keeps me from listening to it properly. Kiss my ass.
"Wrapped in hell, I lost my breath, Chest to stimulating Chinese breast." Wicked ass pick rakes soaked in reverb open up “Tattoo Vampire”, a kick ass ditty about boning a tattooed Chinese chick, if the opening line is any indication. Fuck it, I like that and I am sticking with it. I fucking love/hate Buck Dharma, no man should have this many great riffs. Add Tony Iommi to my love/hate list while you are at it. Although, to be fair, Buck doesn't write all of BOC’s riffs. Albert Bouchard is responsible for a good number of them. It just pisses me right the fuck off that I can play them, but I can't come up with anything original that is even close to their greatness. Bastards.
"Said he was a junkie, and he punctuated his walk with a gun." This song is a stylistic 180 degree turn from “The Reaper”. Both musically and lyrically. “Morning Final” is a song of murder. Allen’s keyboards in the opening remind me of bagpipes. Very cool, fuck off if you think otherwise. I could be wrong but I believe Buck and Eric share vocal duties on this tune. Not the strongest song on here by any means, but I have my days where I think it is brilliant. This is one of the days where I think otherwise.
"Treat her gently, treat her kind, tenderloin will last all night." HA! This song fucking rules. In case you are too dense to figure it out I will explain it to you… It's about doing cocaine and fucking all night. Duh, fuckheads. The metaphor for pussy is great, "Bless this garden that never closes", I love it. "Tenderloin", the title of the song, is the metaphor for dick, idiots. There, good ol' Uncle OD just let you in on one of the greater secrets of life. Feel better? You should. Thank me later.
"But I was out rolling with my band." OK, I really think this song is gay as fuck. Kind of in the vein that "Beth" by KISS is gay as fuck. A song about a rock star being out on the road while his woman, "Debbie Denise", also the name of the song, sits at home, waiting by the window. Bitter as fuck apparently. Did I mention she was true to him? So fucking what? Dude was probably boning groupies left and right on the road while she was tying yellow ribbons. She should have been out being a slut. Maybe she wouldn't have been so fucking bitter. Bitch. Buck’s playing is the saving grace of this song.
Has anyone besides me noticed that truly great albums have at least one song that turns your fucking stomach? Why can't they put those songs on their so-so albums? I'll tell you why. One fucking horrid song on a so-so album makes it a fucking terrible album. So they save them for their brilliant albums. Fuckers.
Anyway… That song concludes the album. If you don't own this masterpiece of Jurassic Era Metal you are clearly a dumbfuck and need to rectify that problem immediately. I will now share with you some contemporary press snippets regarding "Agents":
"Agents of Fortune is a startlingly excellent album--startling because one does not expect Blue Öyster Cult to sound like this; loud but calm, manic, but confident, melodic but rocking."
- Ken Tucker, Rolling Stone
Eat shit, hippie. I almost feel dirty knowing that RS praised this album... I hope that fucker has overdosed on acid already.
"I still consider Agents of Fortune to be perhaps the greatest Heavy Metal album of all time, mainly for its intelligence."
- Xavier Russell, Kerrang
Fuck yeah, now that carries some relevance. At one time fucking Kerrang was at the top of the heap for Metal rags. BOC was not called "The Thinking Man’s Heavy Metal Band" for nothing, kids. I highly suggest you pick up this album, and the others in their catalog as well for that matter. Good luck finding "Imaginos" for less than all the fucking gold in Fort Knox, though. The others are readily available, and the first four studio albums, including "Agents", have now been remastered with bonus tracks. Lucky you. You will get to hear the original kick ass version of the song "Fire of Unknown Origin", while my cheap ass is stuck with the original release. OK, so I'm not being a cheapskate, I just want to buy more guitar gear. Priorities, people.
I'm outta here.
\m/
