Ken in the Speshul Forces
Wit all this talk about war with I ran and I rack, I reckon that I would tell yall about the time I got drafted to go to veeit nam. I was on the bus when a man came on and ask for ken. I told him Im ken and he took me off the bus. Said since I was married I couldnt see the nam. That was ok by my reckoning because I am a family man anyway. But the seekrit service got me! They came right to my house and told me I was to be trained a killer. I had no choice, by god. They trained me to kill with a bottle. How to throw it like it was a knife and have the tip stick into a mans chest.
I had to go through all kinds of shit, I tell ya, all kinds. I had to go through seal training but I saw no seals, special forces training, airborne training, how to train dogs, and medical school. The government figured that I need to be able to adapt to any situation, and by god I can. I once was in sumter, when a store was getting robbed. My training kicked in and I killed these two colored fellas out of instinct. Instinct. Just goes to show never fuck with strangers.
After my training, which was 6 years, president kennedy asked me personly to go down to cuba and burn coca cola fields that were being grown. While I was down there a tribe of women captured me and asked for me to train them. I showed them everything I know. I wanted to live damnit. They made me their sex slave, they did. I tell ya, no girl can do what those ladies can do.
How I got home, I cant say, thats classified infermationalism, considering we were not supposed to be down there anyway. But I can tell you I road on a raft made of tires. All the way to new york city. I tell ya, this place is like no other. The buildings were as tall as redwoods in alaska and as wide as 4 heffers back home. I wandered this city for weeks on end. I was in a bar drinking and asking what way was the best way to get south, when a man approched me and asked me to help him and his friends. He said they needed someone with my training to get a jewel.
I aint no thief. I tell you that right now. I aint ever stole anything in my life, but I agreed to help this man. He seemed a good, christian fella with a liking for pasta. I met him a few hours later where he gave me a hood and a gun and said to go into the place. I went in and what I saw I cant describe. I saw a man naked as a jaybird. Naked I tell ya. Naked.
To be naked is a sin. I am never naked. I don’t even make love naked. No siree. But this man was. It was gross I tell ya, gross. I told him to cover his shame, when he pulled out a gun and started yelling. My instincts kicked in and I threw a berbon bottle at him that stuck right into his shithole. I tell him it is a sin to be naked, and I start to witness to him. After about 6 hours he starts to cry out JESUS JUST TAKE ME OUT OF THIS HELL. I asked him where the jewel was and he said I can have anything I want. I took the jewel and went outside. Now I am a man of my word, and I looked for the man that dropped me off. I found him and he seemed supprised to see me. Ken, he said, I thought you were dead. I said I got the jewel, and he told me how to get south. He said just head south on the highway.
If everything were that simple I would be the wisest man in the world. So I headed south, to my home. And I got there. But the klan had burned my house down and beat the shit out of my wife for raising a kid on her own. There are a few things you don’t do to Ken. One of them is fuck with my family and burn down my house when Im not home. I sure am glad that I had all that training, because it came in real handy. These Klansmen wanted a war, and by god I gave them one. I marched right down to the Double K Kafe where the leader was, right when I walked in I was punched right in the side of the head and this guy started to kick me while I was down. After a bit he asked me if I had enough, so I asked him if he had enough and he looked at his legs, and they were cut all to pieces. I had the thought of bringing my knife with me... (Ken, shut the fuck up already, you asswipe! I gave you a corner here, not the whole fucking page ~ Carman)
Well, I got to go anyway, those cows need movin’.
