Jogging With a Spoon - 5
featuring The Weekly Zombie Report
I went to a Dungeons & Dragons something or other on Saturday. There were four people there, so we (the other dorks I went with) left and got Chinese food instead.
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I have been watching The Venture Brothers a lot on Adult Swim fix. I don’t know what it is about this show, but I find it utterly hilarious. What it amounts to is a spoof on Johnny Quest and lame shit like that. It is episodic, but anyone can watch any episode and get right into it. Watch it!
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I have a full week of sick time left at work, but for some reason, I feel guilty when I use it and I am not sick. It makes me feel like a slack ass. Sick almost. There are people that will use it right up at the beginning of the year. But not me, I am a tight ass when it comes to vacation and sick pay. I will probably use some of it in December, when I go to some piano recital of Mozart. They are celebrating the two hundred and some odd year of his death. It would be nice to hear the Requiem Mass there, but I doubt I will. The tickets were free, because I am slick like that. I had to go to the local college to get them, and my God did I look like a sore thumb. Or at least I assume I did from all the weird looks I got.
See, I work for a living, odd but true. While most of the people reading this are probably at work, with a computer, I don’t have that luxury. I know these college kids do, though. So here I am lost on some campus looking for the music hall in the rain. There is duct tape on my crotch because apperantly, my nuts are so big, my pants cannot contain them. I have been told they need medical attention. Anyway, there are kids in faux hawks and shit looking at me funny. Other than the duct tape, I can’t think of anything that should bother them. It must be my sexy strut, or the Pantera shirt covered in Tile Red paint, which looks a lot like blood when it dries...
So I find the place I am looking for, and ask the jack off behind the counter if he knew what pieces would be preformed.
“Uhh... I dunno.”
“Can you look?”
“Ummm... It don’t say, but last time he played sonata in G majorrrrrrr Kay 283... but he isn’t playing those this time. Why do you want to know what he played last time?”
“I don’t.”
“Oh... um... you want tickets? I don’t like classical stuff, unless it’s Floyd, ya know?”
Barely containing my berzerker fury, I take the tickets and leave. Asshole.
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Places like that are supposed to be for higher education, where the upper echelons of society learn what it is like to look down their noses at the lower class, all the while claiming to be socialists and pro the working man. Fucking idiots. It is hard to belive that I am smarter than a lot of college students, and I never set foot on a campus until that day. Come to think of it, it is NOT surprising. Not in the least.
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THIS WEEK'S ZOMBIE REPORT!
There seems to be a Typhoid outbreak is small countries across the Middle East.
I don’t know much about these, because I am here in the U.S. I try to stay on top of shit like this around my area, but I know that there are readers of this column all over the world (though I doubt in Nepal, where I suspect Patient Zero may be located, although it is too late now).
In the Phillippines, “typhoid” has already taken down 500 people. We have service men over there now. I hope they are safe. If you here about a loved one getting bit by a prostitute, tell them you love them, because soon, the only words they will be able to say are “ARGHE BLAJDWRPJ!”
Typhoid has also been spotted in Russia, India, South Africa, and an un-confirmed report in THE UK!
To my limey brothers, DO NOT be tempted to use the Zombie head as a Football. Unless the brain is destroyed, it can still bite! If you cut the head off, be sure to soak it in a flammable liquid and melt the brain down to nothing. The brain is where the Virus lives. I assume most of you have read the Zombie Survival guide by now. So, I also assume you know about the head from Jerusalem that traveled with Genghis Kahn and bit some of his men. He learned the hard way, so YOU don’t have to.
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Carman, out.
