Jogging With a Spoon - 1
featuring This Week's Zombie Report
Grace may be Running With Scissors, but I am Jogging With a Spoon. I rock. Fuck off.
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Me and The Lady®™ were at Ryan’s. That is where we eat when we are too lazy to cook. And since we don’t have children, we don’t have to worry about it costing us out the ass either. When I asked for a booth in the No Children Section, the waitress just thought I was being cute, and sat us in the OLD section instead. I don’t know if any of you people have noticed, but at high class buffets like Ryan’s, people like to sit with their babies in the smoking section.
Anyway, I have a big plate of bland seafood pasta, bourbon chicken, and some beans, when I hear someone say behind me:
“With every bodily fluid, you have to use your ribs to push.”
Me and The Lady have the same look of disgust on our face. I turn around and see it is the fucking manager of the damn place, talking to two old people. I didn’t know what was going on, and I did not want to, but I was going to get my money's worth anyway.
And I didn’t.
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I just recently watched "Highlander", the first one, the GOOD one. Why can’t there be more villians like Kurgan? He was the fucking MAN! He did not take shit from anyone, and he killed James Bond. The film starts out at a wrestling match, and goes into a sword fight in a parking lot. From there it gets better, if you can believe that. This film proves to me that all badasses listen to Queen.
But if you are not in the mood for something good, I would suggest "Forrest Gump". This film is a masturbation device for baby boomers. It covers everything that happened in the 60's and 70's through the eyes of a retard. It is way more interesting to get high with your uncle, and listen to him telling you all about “killin’ dinks in the shit”. Warfare under jungle canopies is no laughing matter.
I can also suggest "Road House", with Patrick Swazey, but I won’t. I am going to suggest "Dune", the mini-series that was on the Sci-Fi channel here in America a few years back. I thought it followed the book fairly well, and there is no Sting in flying underwear either. That is a plus.
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What is it about 80's movies that made them so distinctly bad? Was the whole damn decade cheesy? 70's classics like "TheTexas Chainsaw Massacre" were timeless. So was "A Clockwork Orange" and "The Godfather". But "Nightmare on Elm Street"? "Breakfast Club"? That is dated, and anyone who says he or she likes those movies is one of those fuckers that still cracks out to Wax Poetic on VH1 and plays the first Super Mario Brothers. The 80's sucked. Take my word for it. Sure, we got some cool shit like Slayer, Run DMC and the Highwaymen out of it, but the shit overshadows the good. I thank God, everyday, that the only things I really remember from that era, are watching the Jetsons, listening to Billy Idol, and learning to ride a bike.
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I recently read "Eaters of the Dead" by Michael Crichton. It was much better than that drivel "The 13th warrior", staring anTONIO banDERas. That’s how he says his name, you know, I am convinced of it. The book reads like a manuscript, and it is based off of a real screenplay, from somewhere, but it is also a retelling of the story of Beowulf (which sucked), as according to Crichton. As a matter of fact, he has stated that the only reason he wrote "Eaters of the Dead" was to make the drab Beowulf interesting. And it works.
Buy the book and check it out.
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This Week's Zombie Report
I hesitate to report the news, because Grace does that in the super funky fresh Running with Scissors, but I have reports of Zombie Outbreaks. Consider it my neighborly duty to you, dear readers.
There are multiple, actually. The news are all reporting the incidents as an isolated E- coli outbreak, but if you know how to read between the lines, like I do, you know that this is an actual Zombie Virus Outbreak in 26 states. So far, it has not crossed my state-lines, that I have noticed, but I am armed and my crew is ready to roll at a moment's notice.
I would like to say that these could be local cases of Class One, but, believe me, those don’t make the news. So, I am going to say that these outbreaks are definite Class Two. Remember to watch the headlines and keep an eye open for people in your surrounding acting strange. If they start eating each other, you are on the right track.
I cannot stress this enough: PREPARE! PREPARE! PREPARE!
Max Brooks told us how to survive, and it is your ignorance if you do not heed his wise and learned words. Destroy the brain, knives don’t need reloading, and be prepared for the worst case scenario. Always
