 | ||||||
| ||||||
Welcome to my utmost random thoughts on random shit that really doesn't matter much.
Behold the glory of my mind takinga dump.
~ Sticks, Stones and Funnybones ~
Part 35 - The Job
The Job
So I got a real job this week. True story. Me, the slacking dead rebel, setting the world straight and narrow from my comfortable beige couch in front of day time TV, got an actual jobby-job. Benefits, 401(k) and paid vacation… the works. All the taxes and all the death.
I am still adjusting to the abnormalities of getting up at the crack of dawn to make money for somebody else. I guess the site has suffered during my acclimatization, but fear not, kids, I will get this shit in shape and start kicking ass again. Maybe we will get real lucky and I can go postal and kill everybody, live on web-cam one day, months from now.
Thanks to Linda for making me look smart on my resume. Hopefully my new employer will never check up on the “CEO of Volvo” position and the “Prime Minister of Sweden” personal reference. Whatever gets the job (done), right?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Trick or Treat
Remember when Halloween was a joyous occasion? Not only that, but also a night when teenagers roamed the suburbs, looking for trouble, fucking up people’s houses and toilet papering their front yard trees if they got any less than a Snickers bar in their bags?
This year I saw a total of three kids dressed up, and they were all escorted by their nervous parents, ruffling through their bags, looking for child porn and anthrax, before they gave them back to their little goblins. Maybe it had something to do with how all news stations spent no less than an hour of their morning broadcasts, outlining how to identify residences of sex offenders and how to best map them out from the public registry before going trick-or-treating.
Did things like that even cross your mind when you went Halloweening as a kid? Sure, we had the urban legends about the razor in the candy bar and the acid laced apples, but these pedophile fuckheads are not urban legends. They live right smack next to us. I am sure they always did, but for some reason they are coming out of the woodworks more and more, preying on our kids with something of a sense of justification. Society provides therapy to make them think it’s not really their fault, and the non-prejudiced world of the internet allows them to network with other fuckheads, making them think there is nothing wrong with them to begin with. Back in the day, pedophiles and sexual deviants were loners, keeping to the fringes of the community – these days they are all over the place, staking claims in the heart of the innocence of our kids. Because they can. And because they are not alone anymore.
I think we should paint all sex offenders’ residences red and put a big “Beware of Fuckhead” sign on their doors. All year long. Actually, a judge somewhere in America recently sentenced an old sex offender, having served his jail time, to wear a t-shirt at all times, stating, “I am a sex offender”. Great idea. See, these people don’t “get better”. They will always drool at the thought of your kid, and will always be waiting for that one opportunity that will change a lot of people’s lives forever.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Costume
Speaking of Halloween. A kid in New York was sent home from his high school after showing up, dressed up as Hitler. The teachers felt it was in bad taste. Hey, last I checked Halloween was all about creeping people out, dressing up as monsters and demons. Who better than Hitler? How fucking gay are we that we set outer limits for shock values on Halloween?
Next Halloween I am going as a sex offender. That will scare the shit out of even me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Visit
The army recently canceled the visit UFC Champion Tito Ortiz was going to pay the troops in Iraq. Ortiz was a popular choice for our marines, and they were all looking forward to him going over there to spread some grunts and growls, boosting morales. Maybe even showing some cool techniques on captive insurgents. Well, the deal fell apart. Why? It seems Tito’s girlfriend was going to accompany him on his little visit, and the army couldn’t have that, given the lady’s reputation. Who is she? Oh, some chick named Jenna Jameson. I am sure you never heard about her. After all, marines have pictures of Tito Ortiz on their lockers and chests, not nudes of famous porn stars.
Jesus PC Christ.
We can have some knuckle-brained fake ass street fighter visiting our troops, but not a paragon of adult entertainment? Soldiers and pin-ups have been walking hand in hand since WW1. Why change a fine old tradition?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Army
And speaking of the army… Kerry just insulted all of them by telling a group of College kids that if they didn’t study harder they would be going to Iraq. Ok, not smooth, but also very true. Where do you see the army recruiters pitching their tents, and setting up their little tables with pamphlets? Outside your upper crust white straight-A school, or outside some run down all black high school on the wrong side of the tracks? Most kids join the army to stay out of jail. Sure, the elite troops have a decent education, but the grunts are all broke-ass lower class high school drop-outs.
I couldn’t see Kerry as President anyway. The problem with the Democrats is that they are not the horse to bet on in times of international crisis, and I have a feeling we are heading for even more trouble in years to come. This country needs more political parties and more involved voters. And some common fucking sense.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The News
I don’t even know what’s going on in Israel, Palestine, Lebanon, Sudan, Northern Ireland and Thailand anymore. Isn’t it funny how quickly these things disappear off the air-waves? Instead we get to oooh and aah over Madonna’s adoptions and other assorted trivial shit. I never got why people had a problem with Madonna’s adoption anyway, claiming it was some sort of publicity stunt.
The woman has been involved in African affairs for quite some time, and a parental responsibility that will carry on for the next 18 years or so, nurturing a kid that will stand to inherit a third of all her riches one day, hardly qualifies as a publicity stunt. That fucking kid is hooked like a motherfucker. Unless they drew up a pre-nup/pre-ad first, of course, sending the kid home to Buttfuckamumbo, Africa, in the event of Madonna’s untimely demise.
We’re not talking quasi-celebrities’ pink teacup Chihuahuas here, kids. Madonna is probably a better person than she is a rapper, anyway.
Hell, I am a better rapper than I am a person – but I am working on it.
For some real news, check out the Zombie Report, instead.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The End
Saddam was sentenced to hanging today. Big whoop. Just as with sex offenders there is no punishment hard enough for genocidal dictators. I mean, what do you do, really? Even flaying the skin off his body, rolling him in battery acid and then boiling him alive seems like a bore compared to some of the shit he has pulled. Maybe they should just let him go live in a nice house in the suburbs of Smithtown, Nebraska, as long as they send up a warning flag on the news around Halloween, “Beware of insane Mass Murderer when Trick or Treating with your kids!”
Hell, it works for the sex offenders.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
