The Only Good Driver on the Road
Why is it that I’m the only good driver on the road? Why is it that every person I talk to about it also believes they are the only good driver on the road? We all seem to feel as though we’re the only ones who know how to drive properly, complaining endlessly about all the idiotic, horrendous, stupid drivers we encounter. Yet nobody ever takes it into consideration that they may be one of them.
If everyone is complaining about the bad drivers, then where are all the bad drivers? Do they go home at night and say to their families and friends, “Damn, you should’ve seen me out there today. I cut off three cars, sideswiped an ambulance, and ran over a family of twelve. I suck.”? The bad drivers cause the most grotesque accidents, and then mosey on through, thinking “I just missed that damn pile up. What a bunch of fucking idiots. Can’t anyone drive anymore?” Then they go home and complain about all the bad drivers on the roads.
With this in mind, I have decided that I really am the only good driver left. So what can I do but make the most of it? Screaming at all the fuckers on the road is the best way of burning off the aggravations of my day.
Where else can I get away with yelling at a sweet looking little old lady, “YOU AND ALL YOUR OFFSPRING SHOULD DIE, YOU CUNTFACED, COCKSUCKING WHORE!”? It’s generally not considered acceptable in supermarkets or at church services.
No one is immune to my verbal wrath on the road. This morning I yelled at a burly truck driver, who just missed crashing into me, when he flew into a rotary without yielding. “I’LL STAB YOU IN YOUR STUBBY LITTLE COCK WITH A SALAD FORK, YOU PANSY, FAGGOT-ASS DICKLICKER.” And I do know which one is the salad fork, as I have impeccable manners.
When I find myself in a hurry, the 20 MPH slowpokes better not take more than a quick pause at a stop sign if they’re in front of me. “IT DOESN’T SAY STOP AND TAKE A NAP, ASSHOLE. DON’T YOU HAVE ANYPLACE TO GO?” At a red light, you better be ready to floor it immediately after it turns green, or else I’ll beep at you for the next mile and a half, while riding on your ass, to keep reminding you how stupid you are.
Yes, I’m the asshole who rides your tail if you have the nerve to be driving at or below the speed limit on an otherwise empty road. Yet, do the same to me on a day when I’m not in a hurry, and I will slam on my brakes to jolt you into slamming on yours. On a good day, you’ll actually bang into me, and I get to get out of my car and berate you for riding up my ass, “WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR GODDAMN DRIVER’S LICENSE, AT K-MART? FUCKING CRACKHEAD. DID YOU EAT PAINT CHIPS FOR BREAKFAST? SLOW THE FUCK DOWN”.
There was once this soccer mom in a minivan. The bitch cut me off without so much as a glance in her rearview or side mirror. She assumed she was the only one on the road that day, and she could make any move she desired. I pulled up beside her at the next light and yelled, “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, YOU CUNT-LAPPING COW??!!” At first she looked somewhat nervous but, when the light turned green, she gave me the finger and floored it. Of course I followed the rude June Cleaver looking bitch. I just wanted to scare her a little, and it seemed to work. She drove into a police station parking lot. I stopped following her at that point, but I think I got my point across. Maybe now she’ll think twice before cutting people off. I’m nothing if not an educator.
Now here I sit. Three hours in the waiting room of an auto repair shop. My brakes gave out on me. The mechanic tells me that I wore them down with aggressive driving, and the entire job will cost me almost $500. I blame all the bad drivers. I just may kill one of them, to cheer myself up, on my way home.
It’s expensive being the only good driver left on the road.
by
2Tempting
