December 12th

"Thrive Through Thrift"

By

Sebastian

Money rocks. At least I’ve never met anyone who could get enough of it. So why waste it? Save anywhere you can with the help of these very useful and totally rational bits of advice. Be stingy! It’s not necessarily an exclusive Scottish thing. Neither is drinking Scotch for breakfast, by the way.

1. Don’t have friends

No friends – nobody wanting your money. At least nobody you socialize with. If someone really wants to be your friend, and you notice early on he/she’s a bore, just go ahead and ask for money all the time. That will either make you rich or scare that obnoxious fucker away for good. Either way, it’s a win-win situation.

2. Don’t get married

Unless it’s to some incredibly rich person, of course. Otherwise you’ll end up like Al Bundy. Or in case you’re in lack of attitude, even worse. Don’t have kids either. If you somehow fuck that up, just ask yourself what Forrest Gump would do. No, not starting to babble about chocolate, idiot. Running would be the only smart move.

3. Swallow your pride

Sponging off on others is always desirable. And those old clothes from your recently passed-away father are still okay. Nobody really gives a fuck what you look like anyway. As long as they don’t have to be your friends or something like that, but we already covered that.

4. Don’t ever buy anything

I mean, what do you really need to pay for anyway? Food? Last time I checked that didn’t even get you high. Sex? Hairy palms are a myth. DRS membership to be able to read all this crap? Nope. It’s free.

5. Don’t listen to me

Because although I know all that stuff, I’m still always broke as fuck. And in denial. Or this rule would have probably been called “go to college, suck up to everyone and work your fucking ass off for the rest of your life” instead.

Now can you spare some change?