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By
Beppo Blitzkrieg
Dead Rebel Of The Week
~ Eddie Van Fucking Halen ~
So I am filling in for a buddy who was supposed to write something serious and profound about some dead fuck nobody cares about. So? I’m not deep? I’m not profound? I know more about dead fucks than most necrophiliacs and I have a great fucking Dead Rebel of the Week for all your bookworm asses. Come a little closer here… Yeah, that’s right… Come up to the edge of this grave I dug here. You there! You! In the cheerleader outfit! Come sit on Uncle Beppo’s lap. There you go. By the way, that is my dick and I’m very happy to see you. What’s your name? Crystal? I love you already, now if we could start with…
Look at all you sick Peeping Tom motherfuckers!
Go the fuck home already! This is not the Discovery Channel! What? Who is dead? Yeah, yeah… The fucking dead rebel shit. Jesus Nazi Death Camp Fuhrer Whipping Christ… Work, work, work… Poor fucking Beppo. All work and no play makes Beppo a motherfucking homicidal maniac. Just sayin’… Yeah, OK. I am moving on.
Dear Friends… We are gathered here today to lay to rest, pour gasoline over, and set fire to the remains of Eddie Van Halen.
What do you mean the motherfucker’s not dead yet? Where the fuck have you been the last 20 years? Don’t fucking bother me with the fucking details. Motherfucker’s dead to me, and that is all I care about.
Before I go off on a tangent like some fucking Mozart on crystal meth here - not you, sweetie, the drug - let me get back to my heartfelt eulogy… Is that OK with you? Motherfucker? You sure? Thank you, ever so motherfucking much! I will make sure to make you the fucking toast master at the next funeral, but now sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up before I kick your ass so hard your personality splits.
Hrmm… let me just rinse my mouth here with this nifty Bourbon Flavored Mouth Wash. Oops, swallowed (like all your motherfucking mothers should have). Nevermind. What is this fucking open grave shit here? Who…? Aah, OK… nevermind. Shut up, I know where I am now.
We are gathered here to lay to rest the sickest motherfucking guitar player that ever lived. If it wasn’t for his innovative, energetic kick ass fun loving totally new school of balls to the motherfucking wall guitar playing we would not be where we are today, and… Wait! The fucking music scene fucking sucks today! Fucking Gwen Stefani and fucking Lady Lumps shit all over the place! Let me save this… OK, if it wasn’t for him we would not have been where we were in the 80’s, and… Wait a goddamn motherfucking minute again. Didn’t we have gay shit like Trixter and Stryper in the 80’s? Was that his fault? Motherfucker doesn’t look so good to me anymore, but I am sure that is more because I am fucking retarded than because of any candy ass malice on his part. Where the fuck were we? This is getting fucking confusing. I knew I should have brought notes or something. Or a date.
OK… “Eruption”. We all know that motherfucker, right? That’s where it all started, literally. On the first Van Halen album. Best motherfucking debut album by any recording motherfucking artist since forever. Who was better? Led Zeppelin? Fuck those hippies. Metallica? Crack Niggah, PLEASE! They had one good song on that album, and you all think it was “Four Horsemen” because you’re all fucking stupid. Did I ever… What is this fucking open grave doing here? Who are all you people dressed in fucking black? Did I crash a wake again?
Ah, OK… Eddie. Back to motherfucking Eddie.
Eruption. Genius. It’s not that Eddie was the best guitar player ever. I am sure there are Braille-faced geeks all over America – parental basement dwellers – who could play in circles around Eddie as far as technicalities go, but whatthefuckever… It was Eddie’s HEART, PASSION and fucking kickass ATTITUDE we loved in his sick guitar licks. And here’s a newsflash for you instrumentally challenged people who think that Lita Ford could play the guitar: Eddie was an even better rhythm player than he was a solo player. See, you don’t know that shit because you are fucking stupid. Well, let me educate you… “Hot for Teacher” has the best rhythm guitars in any fucking song ever, but you only ever listened to the fucking intro solo, mesmerized by all the fucking flying notes. Dumbass. You don’t see the forest for all the motherfucking drunken mini-Beppos dancing a jig on the meadow in front of it and… Why the fuck are you all looking at me like that for?
Anyway…
So, Eddie created modern hard rock with his brilliant guitar playing and made thousands of kids pick up the guitar and become fantabulous guitar players themselves to rule the world and make way for the GUITAR HERO that set the tone for everything that mattered in the world of fucking metal and shit later on.
Yadda yadda yadda…
Thank you, Eddie. Too bad you stopped playing guitar when that brillo haired motherfucker joined the band. Why is that? You got ANOTHER guitar player in the band and BOTH of you stopped playing? You hid behind the fucking keyboards and he sang about eagles and shit. That’s when you started dying on me, Eddie, old sock. You motherfucking slit your wrists by not playing the fucking guitar anymore. You stopped writing riffs and rewrote the Final fucking Countdown ten thousand times instead. Fucking Journey looked like fucking Motorhead next to your gay ass.
I know… Some of you people still think Eddie is alive somewhere on tour in America. Not so… That is just his body, pickled in alcohol for preservational purposes, put on a stage to mock all of us with what he cannot do anymore. Because he is dead, you know. And if he’s not really dead, I will be more than happy to drag his drunken stupid ass, kicking and screaming, to his fucking grave. Technicalities. Easily rectified.
All hail the dead rebel, Eddie Van Fucking Halen.
May he fucking stay dead – or revive rock once again – either/or is fucking fine with me.
I’m out of here. You people are such a fucking drag.
