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Illegal Operation
By
Tim J. Vickers
You have chosen to execute an unsecured vbs e-mail attachment. It is vital not to panic, but you are in mortal danger.
Unplug the computer immediately and exit the room. Remove and discard all your clothes and take a shower. Remember to wash under your fingernails.
Put on clean tight-fitting clothing and a pair of heavy-duty plastic gloves. Take the computer outside, being careful not to allow it to come into contact with other electronic items.
Burn it. Burn it until it is reduced to a melted pile of smoking plastic (barbecue lighting fluid is best, but any organic accelerant like alcohol or gasoline will do). Remember that fires can be dangerous and may spread if left unattended. Take great care not to inhale any of the lethal smoke
When you are done, change your clothes again and have another shower. It is absolutely vital that you wash your hair with a medicated shampoo.
Floss. Floss as if your very life depended on it.
Which it does.
Now as you shovel up the remains of the infected computer take a deep breath and relax. If any text flashed up on the screen when the virus activated, you must try to forget what you read. It may help to go out and get very drunk for the next couple of days; this will make it harder for new ideas to be programmed into your cortex. Such preventative self-medication is covered by most reputable health insurance plans, but you should check the terms of your policy.
Over the next few weeks try to remain alert for any sudden unexplained urges to buy herbal anti-impotence medication, pirated software or personal enlargement products.
Good luck.
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