A Goddamn Wedding

By Eos

•The fact that I hail from Redneckville, USA, is no secret. However, I need to stress that what I am about to tell you is, in NO WAY, made up. I have been following this story, via my friend in the US, for a few weeks now. She called yesterday with the final chapter; The Wedding. I was so astonished that I actually told her to slow down because I was taking notes. You cannot make this shit up.

•A little background info on Patti first. Patti is 50 years old, an avid Harley mama, and speaks her mind to the exclusion of tact sometimes. She is loud, abrasive, and brutally honest. I wouldn’t have her any other way. She’s the kind of friend you can count on to tell you that you have a booger hanging out of your nose. She is my kind of girl.

Patti is a photographer and was approached by a family friend to do the pictures for her daughters wedding. Knowing that the family didn’t have a lot of money, she agreed to do the entire thing for $100. Since she is also a friend of the family, she was ‘invited’ to the wedding as well. Our saga starts with the “Bridal Shower.”

The Bridal Shower was held at the bride’s mother’s house, which is also the residence of the bride to be, the groom to be, and their ten-month-old daughter. They have it made there… they have a private bedroom and a bathroom all to themselves. Patti showed up at the shower armed with her camera. First thing that caught her eye was the bride’s great grandmother sitting in a corner sucking on a frozen penis pop. Patti was understandably confused as she was told this was a bridal shower and not a bachelorette party. Nevertheless, there were penis pops for everybody. The bridal shower cake was also cleverly crafted to look like… a penis. It was chocolate cake covered in chocolate frosting for the shaft, and the head was chocolate with white frosting. The testes were covered in shredded coconut to give the impression of hair. YUMMO! The 5’4”, 285 lb bride- to- be was in charge of cutting the cake. She asked Patti if she preferred the “spooge covered head or the hairy nuts.” Patti declined both. Great grandma opted for the head part, stating that although she loved coconut she could no longer chew it without teeth. Pity. Great grandmother is also suffering from mild dementia and would yell periodically, “When is this goddamn wedding, anyhow?!” Attentive family members would shut her up by periodically shoving a jello shooter in her face. According to Patti, Grammy got all excited when the bride-to-be opened one of her presents, and it was a red g-string. She said, “I like‘em drawers, girl!” (I know what you are thinking, dear reader. 5’4”, 285lb g-string? Yes, loves, apparently they are made that large. I apologize for the visual, but I can’t leave anything out of this story.) Spoiler: “’Em drawers” makes another appearance later in this story.

The Plan for the blessed event was for a quaint, out of doors wedding. (Patti said it was cheaper than renting a building somewhere.) Nestled quietly in the backwoods of Pennsylvania, guests could expect fresh air, the possibility of seeing native wild life, and as the blushing bride pointed out, “Ain’t nobody gunna hear us partyin back here so them fuckin cops won’t show up!” This is totally a win-win situation for everyone. Anyway, Patti asked to see the site for the wedding and asked how everything would be set up. She wanted to get before and after pictures of everything. They thought this was a wonderful idea and promptly shoved her out the back door. They proudly pointed out that the back yard was almost level and there were not many rocks. Not only that… it was almost as if the wedding was meant to be right here, because there was already a path worn “up th’ middle of th’ yard.” Sure enough, where the dog was tied out to his ‘dog box’ he had worn the grass right down to the dirt… straight up the middle of the yard! This ‘sign from Heaven’ would be where the bride would be rolled… excuse me, walked down the ‘aisle’. Patti asked if they were, at least, going to clean up the dog shit first. I love Patti.

The colors for the wedding were burgundy, cream, and blue. Okay, they were supposed to be those colors. The trip to the “Party Store” for balloons, streamers, and matching plates was fruitless. No burgundy and no cream anything to be found. The bride (did I mention her name is ‘Candy’?) figured she would just substitute the colors. No big deal. Burgundy turned into red, and cream turned into white. The new official colors were now… Red, White, and Blue. No shit. Anyway, the wedding planners informed Patti that there would be a big canopy where the preacher would be standing to perform the ceremony. Buffet tables would be set up along the house (the “house” being a single wide trailer), and they would be getting folding chairs from the bingo hall at the local fire station. (“Fire station” in PA speak is pronounced “fahr hull”, meaning ‘fire hall’.) Poor Patti had no idea what to take pictures of and not make the place look like the dump it was, so she just shot some random pictures to make them happy. Then… Patti heard the donkeys for the first time. The farmer that owns the land next to the trailer had donkeys for his kids. For those of you people ignorant of donkey behavior, let me just say that they love people. They are also very vocal creatures. “Them noisy goddamn dunkies” were behind their fence and could not get to the people in the yard. They were not shy about voicing their unhappiness. Upset, braying donkeys is not something that you will soon forget the sound of. Those are some loud critters let me tell you.

Patti had to use the toilet and Candykins showed her to her personal bathroom. Patti said she held it. The bathroom was filthy and had dirty, wet towels and washcloths in the sink. There had also been an ashtray sitting on the sink at some point that had been knocked into the sink as well. Nobody cleaned it up. I have to mention that I was screaming with laughter at this point of the story. The disgust in Patti’s voice was priceless. Not much gets to this woman. Patti announced that it was time for her to go and that she would see them at the wedding on the following Saturday. On the way to her car, she met the groom-to-be as he was coming home from work. As she got in to her car, she told him that he and Candy should brush their teeth before they had wedding pictures taken. She said he wasn’t even offended because he agreed… Infuckingcredible.

The Wedding Day was a hot one. Patti said it was 85 degrees by 10:30 in the morning and it had rained constantly the day before, adding a nice sheen of “sticky” to the air. The wedding was set to happen at 2:30 in the afternoon and Patti showed up at noon. She went into the trailer to ask what she could do to help, and the people there instructed her to go back to the mother’s bedroom. The door was closed so she knocked and was told to ‘come in.’ She opened the door to a sight that, she said, would haunt her for the rest of her life. Candy was standing there, bare-assed, with a grungy-used-to-be-white bra on. Candy’s mother was on her knees in front of Candy, pulling up the red g-string drawers. Candy had treated herself to some brand new Lee Press-On nails and couldn’t do it herself. Patti said that the image of this girl’s mother trying to reach around her daughter to yank up these not-meant-to-be-worn-by-manatees underwear will be burned into her head for eternity. Especially the part where the mother had to lean really close for a second and could not avoid resting her face on Candy’s globular, zit covered thigh.

I’m sorry. I truly am. I understand if you need to take a break now. Go ahead. Take a walk, get some fresh air, and get something to drink. I’ll wait.

Better now?

Patti said, “I backed the fuck right back out the door… Jesus Fucking Christ!” I could totally understand. Patti beat feet to the back door, mumbling something about taking pictures of the decorations before people started showing up.

The “canopy” under which the ceremony would be taking place, was one of those bright green plastic camping canopies that you get from Wal-Mart. It was okay though, it really was. Some ingenious soul had put paper streamers and balloons on the poles and around the edges of it. Completely dressed it up, I bet. Since they were expecting a big turnout for this shindig, they had also rented Port-O-Pots. Which were sitting directly beside the ‘alter’. Good thinking on someone’s part. Seriously. I mean, it was supposed to get pretty hot that day so putting those things in the shade was a damn good idea. These people were also on the ball with the ‘buffet tables.’ They were all set up, nice and neat, along the side of the trailer… with food already on them; cheese, meat, veggies, dips… you get the picture. The cheese tray looked like it was trying to imitate molten lava and the cold cuts were starting to dry out. The flies were happy, though.

The dinner was going to be barbequed chicken and the grillers were already getting things set up for that. Someone had welded two bicycle frames together and had attached old lawn mower wheels to the bottom of those. A 50-gallon drum was chopped in half and welded on top of the bike frames. Instant monster grill! (Patti could not identify what was being used as the grate on top of the grill and I am sure I couldn’t guess either. I apologize to those of you who are drawing up schematics to make your own monster grill.) A few 20 lb bags of charcoal, lighter fluid, and some already half-drunk Rednecks, and it’s a party! The grilling area was situated at the back right corner of the folding chair section.

Patti made note of the fact that the yard seemed to have been cleared of dog shit. Occasional ‘yips’ from behind the shed told her where they had moved the dog. An occasional “Shut the fuck up, Taz!” kept the dog fairly quiet.

I will fast forward through the arrival of the guests and the preacher. Patti did mention the grooms mother who showed up in a pair of tight, black, stretch pants. Patti estimated the woman’s hips to have measured somewhere around the 72 inch mark. Patti’s husband was also invited to the wedding and showed up later on his Harley. People gawking at the bike instantly surrounded him. (They have very nice Harleys, by the way.) Patti said they acted like he showed up in a helicopter or something. Apparently Candy had heard the bike from inside the trailer because she came outside, in her wedding dress, and announced that she wanted some ‘wedding pictures’ taken of her on the Harley.

You know… I still don’t fucking understand that one. I have tried, please believe me, I have. Why the hell would anybody want wedding pictures on a Harley? Let alone one that does not even belong to her? Before the actual ceremony, no less? White dress + hot bike that has just been ridden = not good. But, it was her wedding so they did it. I told Patti she could put that series of pictures in her portfolio and call it, “Hog on a Hog.” She told me to kiss her ass.

Patti was able to meet the preacher about a half hour before the ceremony. She was walking around looking for something to take a picture of and came across the preacher having a stern talk with the bride and groom. The preacher was reaming them both out because they were drinking Everclear. I told you, I am not making this up. For those of you who do not know what Everclear is; it is moonshine. Home brewed. This shit will knock your dick in the dirt faster than you can get your cousin’s panties off after the prom. The happy couple promised to lay off the brew until after they got hitched.

The time finally came for the wedding to commence. By this time, the temperature was hovering right around 95 degrees. The air was ripe with the scent of piss, shit, and fruity Port-O-Pot juice. The daughter of the bride and groom was placed in a dirty playpen that was sitting in front of the Port-O-Pots. (They wanted her to be able to see mommy and daddy.)  The preacher started his wedding speech thing and the Goddamn Dunkies started ‘talking’ to the gathered crowd. Nobody saw the donkeys lining up along the fence, but they all became aware that the donkeys were coming to the wedding too. Taz the dog was upset that he could not be a part of the festivities as well. Lucky for him the person that attached his chain to the cinder block did not do a very good job because he was able to yank it free. The poor preacher was busy yelling to be heard above the donkeys when Taz came happily bounding up the muddy ‘aisle’ dragging a 20-foot chain behind him. He slowed down long enough to say, “Hi” to Candy and her hubby to be and then continued wagging himself all around the preacher. Patti said she held her breath when Taz paused to sniff at the preachers shoes. God must have delivered the dog from temptation because Taz did not piss on the preacher. Taz was removed by the two grill guys that had been arguing over who got the last Budweiser.

The preacher made a joke, people laughed, and he got on with it. Things went all right for about three minutes and then the wind shifted. The monster grill was going full force by this time and all of the smoke went under the tarp that was against the trailer. Patti said she can’t be certain but she thinks the preacher cut the ceremony short. After the bride and groom sucked face to seal the marriage deal, Uncle Garth brought the baby to them. They posed for some pictures and got down to partying. Patti said that after she saw the groom feeding the baby chips and salsa, she told her husband that she was going the fuck home. She went home, swallowed two muscle relaxers and went to her safe place for a while.

Candy called at 8:30 the next morning asking if the pictures were ready yet.

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