Profiles of Cynicism
At this time, I am going to chronicle an anecdote from my life that I think is worth mentioning. Just remember to try this at home, kids.
When I was about 17 years old, I shit in the tank of a girl’s toilet and wiped my ass with her towels, before smoking a bowl with her and then going bowling with my friend... never to see the bitch’s face again. But I am jumping the gun here... For some reason EVERYONE liked this chick. She was nice and understanding. She would open her home to anyone. And I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE LIKE THAT. I like to think that I am a good judge of character and that I saw right through her shit. She used people for her own ends under the guise of kindness, but, of course, no one saw this but me. That’s ok though. People need to learn.
The thing that made me decide to do this was that she invited me over for a party and made ME buy the beer. I usually would not have a problem with this, but the fact that I was told there was no beer after I got there kind of pissed me off. To top it all off, I was ignored after I produced the beer (it should be noted I bought the generic brand, “BEER”):
But fuck that shit, it’s beer, right? Some people, though, can’t accept what is given, and folks got pissy, and left to go get “real” beer. So I left a brown bomb in her toilet, wiped my ass with the towels and left. And I took my beer with me.
Needless to say, I heard that some asshole ruined her towels and did something to her toilet because shit comes out with the water when it flushes. I guess they figured it was me, because even when I swore I would kick the shit out of whoever did that, I was never able to talk to anyone I was hanging out with at that point in time ever again. They were always doing something, or were not home... I know that lie. I INVENTED it for Christ’s sake. That’s ok, though. Most of those people are either married to someone they hate, raising another person’s child from high school, or wasting away in jail. Thank God karma caught up with me and I am now child free and living in a sexy resort town on the beach.
