Porn Stah
I’ll say it’s a love/hate relationship between us. On the one hand (pun intended), it’s there for all adults to enjoy on any given night when you got nothing else to do. It comes in all shapes and fetishes. What is art to one, is porn to another. Although, personally, I don’t see the artistic merits of filming, watching, or jacking off to someone getting fistfucked in the ass or sprayed in the face and getting their eyes glued shut. But to each his own. (Very own.)
But it is there, oh is it there. And it’s free if you know where/how to look for it. Most men do, so I don’t have to plug any sites. There is nothing like watching some 19 year old girl getting jackhammered for an eight ball of coke or a hit of H. There are tons of amateur entrepreneurs in the porn biz. Hell, it seems nowadays ANYONE with a fucking camera thinks they are Andrew fucking Blake; which brings me to the OTHER HAND (the one I don’t use, so I guess it’s the left).
The internets (there are many that Gore never invented) are chalk full of amateur sites where spiteful boyfriends post videos of their exes getting it on with whomever. These girls really needed to keep their clothes on. Leave that amateur shit for Hustler, people. Goddamn! I traveled to a website one evening and I thought I had fallen into the deepest pit of internet hell. The girls on here were not even decent looking, and were dead fucks. They laid there and talked somewhat dirty, and that’s it. There was one video that had two girls and one guy, but one girl was fat and the other had a full arm cast on! WHAT. THE. FUCK! I about shit my goddamn pants from laughing so hard.
But you have to keep your eyes open for fake amateur shit as well. When a whore has been in 25 amateur movies, is she still considered a “newbie”? Or is the amateur epithet because of any financial compensations being zero? Doesn’t crack count these days? I guess those girls are just too fugly to get a contract with a major company like Wicked or Vivid or something. Speaking of the established industry… The bad thing about those major porn studios is that they focus on story for some odd reason. They say they are geared towards couples. I’ll tell you, I have never watched a porno from any of those studios where I didn’t just hit fast forward. All the constipated dialogue always leads to the same end anyway, so what the fuck?
Hot chick in Leather Cop High Heel Boot Outfit, waving a black water gun: “Freeze, slimball!”
Mullet Man in Hawaii shirt and 70’s stash: “Well, can’t we fuck about it, officer?”
Police Whore: “Yes, but you have the right to remain hard or I will have to arrest you.”
Sigh…
I’ll be honest, I have never watched a porn with my girl, frankly because she would probably run from the CarmanCave screaming and gnashing at her own eyes. It’s not like I’m watching Nicole Bass or anything THAT fucking weird, but I like watching the stuff that I am into personally. When all is said and done, that’s the whole point for me. I never understood those types that are ashamed that they watch smut.
It’s weird, but when I get into something, be it a band, novelist, comic book, anything, I’ll learn all facets of said thing. So I guess that goes for my smut as well.
I used to read AVN Magazine and it would always have a blurb about some gay porn dude going over to the straight community. They called it Gay for Pay. I call it Gay. PERIOD! So that tells me that most of the guys you see in your mainstream movies are actually queer.
There are some folks who “pulled out” of the industry and became worshipers of Aryan Christ – fundies, as the high priest of the painful truth (Neal Boortz) would call them. They say that it is degrading to women, although the whores voluntarily go into the jizz biz for whatever reason. They say that porn drives men to rape, although I have been a fan since the age of 13 and I’ve never raped anyone. They say it corrupts children, but when I was growing up, it was Mission:Impossible to get the shit. I covered that in a DROTW a good while back.
On a randomly related note; Johnny fucking Wad. This cat decided to get hopped up on coke and kill and apartment full of people. Him and some Jew. No joke, look it up. So I guess the porn business is responsible for that as well. No matter to me, I’m not involved with the ins and outs (I love puns!!! And parentheses!).
You get people like Linda Lovelace who say we are watching her get raped on camera. I’ve never watched Deep Throat (The porno, not the Nixon Narc) because I don’t want to see 70’s porn. It’s fucking gross. Hairy beasts of women chewing shag carpet, no thanks. The golden age was the 90’s: Jenna Jameson, Anna Malle, Jill Kelly, Sylvia Saint…Others…. Eh.. Those ladies were beautiful, clean and smooth and could suck your Adam’s Apple out your schlong on a moment’s notice, except Jill Kelly… she looks like a mule. And Jenna looks like a sea hag now. I picture Blackbeard fighting her in the pirate days. Anna Malle is a corpse now, so I guess that leaves Sylvia Saint, but she left the porn biz and married some Czech businessman after only doing lesbian porn for a while. I suppose no one is worth a damn. Shit.
The shit nowadays is just weird though. To me anyway. We have so many sub-niches and fetishes that any perverted fuckhead can redeem his fuckheadedness online and feel good about his crooked libido. As I am clicking on a hot chick I don’t want to see her whipping out a 12 inch penis from under her negligee and enter a mule from behind. Stuff like that can make a man limp for months. Give me some fair warning at least! The whole “I fuck my step dad” thing creeps me out, too. And then we get the old bastards. I don’t like to think of grandpa’s nuts bouncing off my girlfriends ass, thank you very much. I’m all for age restrictions on both ends of the scale. If you’re fantasizing about old people, you just need to be fucking shot. I say, that if you are over the age of 45, you need to be NOT HIRED in anything that I may possibly one day want to jack off to. I tried to watch stuff WITHOUT old people, but they have saturated themselves into EVERY fucking market. If you are a porn connoisseur, like I am, you’ve realized that the girls are disposable, but the guys are there for fucking ever. Ok, I’m not checking out the guys, but after 15 years, you recognize the same names on your movies. These guys have probably had so much trim that they don’t even consider it getting lucky anymore. Shit, it’s probably a chore for them.
It IS a chore for them. I realized this after re-reading what I just wrote. They are gay. My statement still stands, though.
So I will leave you with Carman’s first edict as Fuhrer of Nerdom:
The What’s What of Smut
1: Don’t get old
2: Don’t touch kids.
That about sums it up.
