Now I don’t necessarily HATE old people, but 90% of them annoy the fuck out of me. IT’S TRUE! It’s damn true. Have you ever gotten directions from an old person? I kid you NOT, these were the directions I got today on how to get to a job site.
“Well, you know where the Red Bar used to be? It burned down 15 years ago, but you have to go there, then take a left...”
Guess what? I said fuck it, andthe job did not get done.
Old people, especially old men, love to tell you about how things USED to be. It USED to be safe to go outside at night. Nevermind that was when they were young, and strong, much like YOU, kid. Sometimes I think that old people like having young people around because they feed off of us, and like to bring us down. They're youth vampires. Seriously, how often does grandma complain about something? How often do you get stuck in a conversation about the peaches of Georgia with some old bat in the grocery store? More often than not, I am guessing.
I know I am right.
Old people have a disease. Yes, “the sugar” and "the shakes", but also something I call just “Old”. Young people have it too, now. Just not in the same numbers as the elderly do. That guy who cant work and takes Oxycontins all day long... He has Old, too. And so does the 75 year old man who has to wear special shoes on account of “The Gout”. Shit, he can probably share his meds with the young “Old” person.
I Hate Old People
Old people seem to think that they have some sort of special status because they are old. This is not true, they are adults, just like you and I. They say with age comes wisdom. That is bullshit. How many old people do you know that are wise? Not many, I am sure. It is my highly official opinion that the old and weak should be left behind when disaster strikes.
Did you see those old people on T.V. after hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans? Summing it up, people in general did not want to leave, and the old people in particular were saying that they didnt want to leave. THEN we wasted resources, rescuing people that only have... what, a year left in them? Rescue the fucking young first, the children, and fuck the old and the infirm - they should have left. As a matter of fact, EVERYONE should have left.
Ever see a “gripper” on the road? Those are the old people that go 25mph on a highway, where the posted speed limit is 60. And they drive in the center of the road because “it’s flatter”. I guess everyone else is supposed to wreck so Oldy Oldson can have his space on the road. This happened to me at work. I was riding in a truck, driven by an old person. I offered to drive, and he said I was too young. He also said I was too young to have a back. Whatever the fuck that means.
Now before some of you leave nastygrams in my guest book... I had a friend that must have been 90 years old. ‘Let was his name, and he did NOT have old - despite his age. He knew he couldn’t drive anymore, so he didn’t. He knew he would fall down the stairs to the basement, so he never went down there. He didn’t suck my life force from me, and as a matter of fact, he taught me how to play Eucher and how to stack a poker deck. (On a side note, I will slaughter ANYBODY in Eucher.)
I also had another old friend, Nick, who had bone cancer, and told me his unfiltered Pall-Mall’s were curing him, because he had had it for 30 years and felt fine. He also gave me my love for the ART of film making and turned me onto the Science Fiction and Fantasy world of novels. Also, he told me that Camels cigs suited my personality better than Marlboros... at 15. Not to quit, but just that. So now I smoke Camels. And they do taste better. But that is TWO examples of MANY old people I have known, and only those TWO did not have the sickness of “Old”.
Maybe it is because they were both “In the Shit” when it came to war. Nick said “a Mighty Oak is growing on the 38th parallel where some slant eye shot my nut!” We were dunk and he was telling war stories. ‘Let claimed to have slit the throat of a kraut during an interrogation in WWII, to get another fritz to talk, but he was a known bullshitter.
Ever run across an old man who is a Bible thumper? Ask them any question, any at all, about the Bible. I asked this old fucker at work about Methuselah, of all people, and he said that “If it’s in the book, I believe it!” Admirable, but flawed. I pointed out that scientists have pointed to inaccuracies in the translations into Greek and Latin from old Hebrew, and he said, “They are a bunch of godless, pagan, heathens!!” Exact quote. I wasn’t even going to ask how a pagan could be Godless in the first place. I guess it is just logical.
What we need is a voluntary Soylent Green type program. I would never have the heart to lock someone in a prison of a “Home” when they get old. I would take the burden on myself when a loved one of mine catches The Sickness - and I kid you not; they ARE a burden. “We put grandma in a home” sounds to much like “We took General Tso to a 'Farm’, Carman” That was my cat when I was 8, by the way.
I guess we are stuck with old people. We can’t feed them to the starving in India, we can’t tell them they are too old to do things, and it is inhumane to just lock them away like a retarded brother. I guess all we can do is ignore them, or try to, at least. Mighty Cthulhu doesn’t need to be bothered with this petty crap.
Fuck it.... if you will excuse me, I am going to go drink some prune juice. My knee is throbbing, that means rain is coming, and the damp backs me up.
It was on the first page of Google, sue me.
I can't find a picture of a pill junkie, so here is a photo of our fearless leader gathering the revolutionaries. If you don’t know his name, you should not be reading Project Udo.
“When I was your age...”
