Spiderman vs. Legend
I went to see Spiderman 3 on opening day. It fucking sucked balls. Let me start with Peter Parker. He was one cool cat, daddy-o. He liked to hang out in those smoke filled speak-easies, wooing the ladies. Ahh, fuck it. I can’t review this garbage. I think I will review something else instead. How about LEGEND, staring pre insanity Tom Cruise and Billy Barty? YUP! Legend it is.
This is a film about good vs DARKNESS! The name of the villain is... DARKNESS! I can’t make this shit up. All through out the movie he proclaims at the top of his lungs: “SUNLIGHT! IT IS MY ONE.... DESTROYER!” This is one of the first lines in the movie, so I am not getting ahead of myself too much.
It then cuts to Tom Cruise (Jack) wooing some chick in the woods (Lilly) and showing her unicorns, which she promptly decides to touch and scare off. Which leads to Keith Richards or some other Stone cutting the horn off of one and giving it to DARKNESS!
Jack finds out and decides to enlist Billy Barty to help him fight Satan incarnate.
The Lady Raine: But before they do, The pixies magic up some whiskey and a fiddle. There they decide it would be a good idea to tell riddles to each other stark naked in the snow. Of course it would not be complete without a bonfire.
Meanwhile, Lilly finds her gothic match in DARKNESS!
And is it any wonder? Her “true love” figured it was more important to get drunk and flirt with a fairy. IN THE SNOW! NAKED!
Perhaps he just had his priorities straight. Just check out Lily’s unibrow!
I hope that’s part of the makeup.
I doubt it.
ANYWAY, back to the movie. When DARKNESS meets Lily and proposes to her, he lays out his master plan and proclaims AGAIN that “SUNLIGHT, IS MY ONE... DESTROYER! AND SOON, THE WORLD WILL BE SHROUDED... IN DARKNESS!!! ” (---> cue evil laughter)
Of course this turns Lily on, and she proclaims she wants to kill the last unicorn. Then they will drink its blood. I think Noah did that later on.
But before they can go ahead with their evil scheme, the drunken forest folk wander into DARKNESS’s layer and kick the shit out of some his minions. And when I say kick the shit out of, I mean Jack jumps around and does some somersaults. They also meet the Crypt Keeper who seems to want Jacks nuts.
Whatever. Eventually, Jack and his new friends figure out how to destroy DARKNESS. I never would have figured it out, myself, but they do. While Darkness is in the process of dying, I almost wanted someone to cut his heart out and eat it. To gain all the power that DARKNESS wields. I would have, I can tell you that.
But DARKNESS instead falls into space, which just happen to be in the far back of the room. Lily passes out and the pixie folk say fuck this shit, Jack. You’re on your own. So, in the end, it turns out that Lily was just going through a Goth phase and Jack gets the wanderlust.
I need to start a rating system on here, but I’m just too lazy. Still, this movie gets a sub par one. Not bad, though. I was entertained; but it just doesn’t stand the test of time.
Appendix
TROUBLE IN THE FOREST: THE NOT SO HAPPY ENDING
by The Lady Raine
It’s been seven years since Jack and Lily were married. Perfect ending, happily ever after, you know the story. But what about a few years down the road, after Lily has popped out a few kids and Jack forgets to come home one night? Even in the Magical Forest, people have marriage problems. Here is a summary of the seven years our perfect couple spent together.
Year One: Lily is expecting their first child. She is glowing, and Jack is thrilled to be a father. They are overjoyed. It’s still your storybook romance.
Year Two: Pregnant again! Still exhausted after the first one, the second “unexpected surprise” is a bit overwhelming. Still, the happy couple is looking forward to expanding their family.
Year Three: Lily has her hands full with three kids (the second time she had twins). Jack has been spending more time in the forest, and Lily doesn’t exactly fit into her wedding dress anymore.
Year Four: Don’t they have birth control in the Magical Forest? Pregnant again! Jack wasn’t too thrilled this time. The house will be overrun with screaming kids.
Year Five: Jack stays out late every night in the forest, getting drunk with the magic folk and coming home in the wee hours of morning, covered in pixie dust. Lily is a mess. She has put on nearly 100 pounds, and she doesn’t really care.
Year Six: They won’t be having more kids, at least. When they do see each other, Jack and Lily fight. Jack finally raised his fist to her, and she threw him out. Some of the forest creatures are still traumatized after that fight.
Year Seven: They made up, and things went well for a while. But one night Jack had a relapse, and in a drunken rage he slaughtered both of the sacred unicorns, thus bringing eternal darkness to the forest. Lily found herself wishing she’d stayed with Darkness. At least he’d bought her new clothes.
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