Jogging With a Spoon - 10
featuring The Weekly Zombie Report
At work we hired some new guy. Now, I don’t use the term weird liberally. You have to be pretty fucking weird to earn that title from me. This guy earns it with flying colors. First off, he only blinks twice in a minute. I know this because when I have a gut feeling about someone, I MUST transfer that feeling to my head. I studied him and made notes. Second, he likes "Magnum PI". Fine, I don’t care, usually, but he OBSESSES over that shitty show. Perhaps he wants Tom Selleck. Or T.C. I am leaning towards the latter. It’s funnier that way. Also, he tells a black guy I work with that he looks like either T.C. or Tubbs from Miami Vice almost EVERY fucking day. Oh, and I apparently look like Duncan Macleod. At least it’s not Gavin.
It’s just those little things that make me think he is going to walk into the shop one day and kill everyone in his path. I hope I’m on vacation that day.
In other news, the guy thinks I’m a brown belt.
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I have a monthly column now on www.anarchymusic.net. There I talk about my thoughts on music and what people should listen to. I have one item up now as of this writing. But fuck, it’s once a month, so it’s not like I’m having to bust my ass. Also I am a music snob, so it works. Until it doesn’t. But by then it’s too late!
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I have in my possession the Lament Configuration. My God I hope it opens. I have it on my shelf, sitting next to Marv getting electrocuted, Mpire M&M’s, an unopened “Speed Surfin’” Silver Surfer from 1992, and two Stan Winston monsters - one of which is King Kong.
Is it any wonder why women throw themselves at me?
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I went to Wal-Mart... AGAIN! My god, I have no fucking idea why I even go to this place anymore. All it is, is fat black women who haven’t had a break in 20 minutes working the goddamned register. It’s not that fucking hard. The one that was ringing me up was especially fat. I couldn’t help but wonder (again) how much blood a fat person has in that stomach. Is it more than a normal human, or the same? How much pressure is it on the heart with all that cellulite building up? And, of course, through all this pondering of mine, all I could really see was the uvula at the back of her throat, because she never SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.
I resolved to get drunk that night.
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I just noticed that Joe Camel has a penis on his face.
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The Weekly Zombie Report
In the Philippines, it’s getting pretty bad.
THE rise of human rabies brought about by rabid stray dogs in the early month of January and February this year is alarming and could go out of proportion if not immediately addressed by the different government agencies concerned.
If you’re in this area, WATCH OUT! Max Brookes warned us about “rabies” in World War Z. At least all Asians know some sort of karate.
"Victims should immediately wash their bites with water and soap, which is commonly available even in far-flung barangays, instead of getting the services of a tandok. As you know, detergent can kill virus," Trabado said further
I can’t really find much of zombie outbreaks or early warnings, but I figure THIS... There are over 3000 dead Americans in Iraq. Why do we keep funneling money, and effort to a part of the world in a phoney war? I will tell you. Fallujia is a battle ground against the Army of the Undead. There are ghouls walking around right now over there. Our good soldiers are just containing a nation wide outbreak. I have no idea what caused this. And I also have no proof at the moment, except for what my gut is telling me. And it tells me a lot of things.
I also hate soldiers. So it’s a win win situation for me.
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Carman, out.
