Political Fucktardery a la Carte - Shit on a Stick

My twos of fans have probably noticed that this column is a little late for my first monthly deadline. As usual it comes down to too much crap to wade through to focus on just one political topic. Well, most of the political talking heads on TV review the week, and besides, my editor likes it when I do the a la carte articles, so why not? Last week was pretty full, so let’s get started, shall we?

Surprising no one, President Bush ended the week looking like shit on a stick, when a rare appearance in front of Congress, touting his new torture-expansion bill, failed to provide enough incentive to get the thing passed. The boy king’s own party hamstrung him, defeating the measure before it even left the committee. The defeat packed a bit of extra punch due to the timing, coming as it did a few days after a treacly, navel-gazing observance of the fifth anniversary of 9/11, and a couple of months before a crucial midterm election. Congressmen who stand to lose their jobs in November sent a tacit message to Bush with this vote, and that message went something like, “Dude, you make us look bad. Step off.”

Then there was the problem of John McCain, whose bitterly vocal criticism of the Bush initiative earned him a slap on the wrist from various Republican big cheeses, including the White House. McCain, who is still banking the farm that hell will freeze over in 2008, giving him a shot at the party’s Presidential nomination, got a heavy-handed reminder that his status as a Vietnam POW is not actually meant to be used as any sort of moral barometer when it comes to voting legislation, but only to be saved for those times when it can serve to make the party look good. To his credit, McCain didn’t back down, reinforcing the already foregone conclusion of his defeat in the ’08 primaries. The contretemps provided still more evidence of internal fissures in the GOP, but only time will tell if all this internal strife will cost the party its legislative majority. Being a relentless pessimist, I’m doubting it will. Americans seem to like a huge deficit, bigger government, fake moral piety and bad priorities, so something tells me these clowns will enjoy four more years of fat-catdom.

Speaking of the midterms, we got a little taste of that dimpled-chad excitement in the form of the primaries, which turned out to be a yawn for anyone expecting any big upsets. Again, most Republican incumbents held onto their local party nominations, setting themselves up to keep their fat asses in their legislative seats. One Republican did suffer a surprising defeat in his state primary, though; Joe Lieberman lost to his opponent in the Connecticut Republican…oh, wait, that’s right, he’s a Democrat. He had me a little confused, given how far his nose has been up Bush’s ass for the last five years.

Okay, never mind.

Onward… one thing that actually worked in Bush’s favor last week was the steep and continuing drop in gas prices. Ever the opportunist, Little Lord Arbustoroy pointed out that this downward trend COULD be just the tip of the iceberg, if only we were willing to begin drilling in US wilderness reserves in earnest. What’s a couple hundred thousand fewer acres of wildlife habitat compared to a cheap fill-up anyway? Not enough to make relations with Venezuela or Russia any better, but still.

Finally, the non-GOP elephant in the room; as I mentioned earlier, the beginning of last week marked the five-year anniversary of 9/11. The obligatory media orgy of self-serving tripe that always manifests on this fateful date went to eleven this year; from CNN’s actual re-running of the entire day on its website to FOXNews' predictable use of the image of smoking towers and the hole in the Pentagon to further the Bush bill. But the biggest 9/11 story, five years hence, is the one that STILL isn’t making it into the headlines, onto the TV or even into Internet chat rooms; that of the catastrophic illnesses plaguing those at, or near, Ground Zero in New York that day. Chronic autoimmune and respiratory ailments – including cancer – have skyrocketed among New Yorkers over the past five years, but no saccharine speeches, somber talking heads or giant new bureaucratic entities spared any tears for these victims or even made a sentimental movie about them. Just as they likely wondered where the EPA was five years ago, they’re probably wondering where Oliver Stone is right now. Why wasn’t the real conspiracy to sweep their plight under the rug anywhere to be found in the creampuff movie made by the King of Conspiracy Theories?

Senator Clinton, we’ve found your issue. Milk it. Because someone should.

Comments? Go to my Guest Page.