Being New

The Interview

It all starts with being NEW. Being new sucks. It sucked in school, it sucks at work.  However, the same rules that governed your junior high transitions when daddy was transferred, yet again, apply to the Office Space.

Unlike school, before you can be New at work, you have to be Hired. This is perhaps one of the most demeaning and barbaric aspects of modern life.  Do you like movies about gladiators? You know the scene at the slave market where the human wares are paraded naked for inspection by their potential new masters? That’s pretty much a job interview in a nutshell. Oh sure, you get to wear clothes. And they’ve added a couple of rules here and there – things they can’t ask you - but the areas they eliminated were the only truly easy questions to answer (“Do you like to sleep with boys or girls?” or “Are you planning on breeding in the next few months?”).  For the most part, the interview is a degrading and humiliating experience. 

You’re expected to think fast and give acceptable responses. No amount of practice or study will prepare you for the interview. Yes, of course there are zillions of websites devoted to getting you through an interview, but when it finally comes down, you’re guaranteed they’re going to throw something that will totally put you off your game. 

“Do you have any opinions on Clown Suits?”

Uhhh….

“If you set a raccoon on fire in your garage, does it constitute a barbeque?” 

Mhm? 

Take that, MSN Business Tips. The idea that there’s a human out there who HASN’T developed a stock “fake negative” answer to questions such as “What do you feel is your biggest shortcoming as an employee?” is utterly laughable.  Each and every one of us is going to say “Oh, golly, I just tend to take on too much work – I volunteer for every project possible!”  Why? Because 8,462 websites and pamphlets have told us that’s the only acceptable answer. Honestly, who’s going to say “I spend approximately 4.5 work hours a day surfing the internet and updating my MySpace page, I steal office supplies and I call all my friends on the company 800 number…”?  So basically, other than outlining hard-core work experience, the interview just creates the first layer of corporate BS that will, after several years, become a multi-tiered wonder to rival the finest Baklava ever created: Layer after layer of little more than air, sugar-coated and sprinkled with a liberal portion of nuts.

Big companies make you run The Gauntlet, where you’re forced to interview with everyone in the corporation that you might potentially brush elbows with, including the copy repair guy (“On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is toner management?”) I’m convinced companies do this just to make their internal discussion sessions livelier, as you’re guaranteed to find someone in the interview process that hates you with the white-hot intensity of the sun, for no apparent reason (other than being hotter than she is, of course). 

“Well, she’s educated, qualified, and she certainly has plenty of experience in our industry.  She looks hungry – I think we can get her for 25% less than we were planning to offer.”

“Jack, are you KIDDING me? Did you see her SHOES? Shoes like that spell nothing but trouble.  I vote no.”

I once had to take a battery of psychological tests, which included drawing pictures and writing little stories. Boy, I really let my creativity fly.  It was my favorite interview ever. I didn’t get that job.