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Civil Privileges in a Modern America

It’s time to rewrite the Bill of Rights, people. For far too long Americans have abused, and been abused by, the principle of freedom, as it has been interpreted and distorted through the ages. Let’s get back to the fundamentals, the essence of the idea behind the Bill of Rights, and get all this shit straightened out.

First of all, these are not rights, per se – they are privileges. We are privileged to live in a country that is based on these elementary but honorable principles and we should respect that fact by acknowledging it with a decent amount of responsibility and common sense. Rights are for losers with weak spines, who would rather get shit handed to them than fight for a single inch of freedom on their own. Privileges are for people who understand the value of what these principles truly mean, the consequences of the exercise of these principles, and the assumption of the ultimate responsibility for utilizing them. Which translates to – for all you mentally incapacitated people: Put your fucking money where your mouth is or shut the fuck up.

Second of all, these privileges apply to all legal residents of the United States of America. That means, unfortunately, that all you Puerto Ricans, will have to continue to suffer under the rule of local banana barons and street corner dope dealers until you make it over here on a sack of coconuts. We would really love to make you the 51st state – it is long overdue – but an extra star would fuck up the flag, and, quite frankly, we can’t have that. The same goes for the Virgin Islands. What are you guys anyway, a welfare Hawaii that most real Americans couldn’t find on a map with a flash light? Maybe if we started testing our nukes in your backwaters so you guys would glow in the dark, we could improve on that. No offense, but you guys are like our Falkland Islands; a footnote during a junior high Geography class, at best. And hey… it’s pretty nifty to have somewhere to pull an emergency landing if one’s plane is coasting on fumes above an empty stretch of ocean, I guess.

Anyway, it’s time to scrap the old senile Bill of Rights, hereafter referred to as the BoR, and instead give America the key to Bop City: The Modern Bill of Privileges; The BoP.

First up is the most important thing in a country’s constitution: What we’re all about. What are we about these days? Other than the new 5 lb Baconator Burger at Wendy’s and camping out for a Nintendo Wii for our spoiled kids? We need to make a statement that shows our current and future generations what America stands for:

“It is the privilege of every American Resident to say whatever the hell he/she wants, to whoever the hell he/she wants, in whatever size shape or form he/she damn well pleases. If the receiving party happens to disagree, then it is every American Resident’s privilege to drop a 50 megaton nuke on said party’s head.”

This also means that if I want to, I will wipe my fucking ass with the Star Spangled Banner until every star on there has winked out. Did you know that this is illegal these days? Your ass would be on a cot in Guantanamo Bay faster than you could say “Patriot Act”. Seriously, kids… the very fact that you could face jail time for jumping up and down on the American Flag stands in direct opposition to the value of freedom it represents. Give me a fucking break. Freedom of Speech does not come with restrictions on textile abuse.

I do think that some people should not be allowed to speak, though, so we may have to revoke the Residential Status of some groups and organizations. Nambla for instance. Let’s send them all to the Virgin Islands. They can have all the Man-Boy sex they want over there, and soon be an extinct breed of fuckheads in just one more generation. Last I checked homosexual activity did nothing for the procreation of a species. And should we happen to sideswipe them with a nuke, on its way to France, then so be it. (Speaking of which… People with French names would have to leave immediately. There is something so fucking snotty about a person with the last name Deveraux, that I can feel static crackle at my finger tips at the thought of it.)

I don’t think the President should be allowed to talk either. He should just wave and smile, like the British Queen. Maybe cut some ribbons and kiss babies on their fontanels. Any other responsibilities should be handled by the Old Boy’s Firm that really calls the shots behind the scenes anyway. They could bark commands and orders from a studio in a secret location, sitting around a table in a strange room, outlined as black shapes against a blood red light. They could have voice distorters and shit, too. Think Dick Cheney as a Ring Wraith, that sort of thing. The Arabs wouldn’t fuck with that.

Then we have the whole issue with Freedom of Religion. It is very easy. I know that the original amendment tried to cover all the freedoms of America in one fucking flimsy sentence, so people like Charlton Heston feel entitled to stoically cultivate their stupidity like weeds in some mongoloid’s backyard. The sentiment of freedom of religion was once expressed best by a great visionary and poet:

“And no religion too”

There you go, That’s #2 in the new world of BoP. Instead of catering to every religious fuckhead’s spiritual belief, we will just remove religion from America altogether. Welcome to the 21st century, people. We are way too evolved as human beings to let some patriarchal ghost from the Bronze Age haunt our principles of freedom and common sense. Say goodbye to God, Allah, Dalai Lama and that fucking eight-legged Elephant God the dot heads pray to. They are all going in the trash can; halos, wings, trunks and all. What good did religion ever do us? Ask the Jews for instance. Where was their God when they were marched into the ovens? Laughing his German ass of, probably. Where was Joan of Arc’s God and where was the Father of Jesus Christ, as they died in agony for what they were? Nowhere, because God was just a hallucination in the minds of two crazy ass doomsday prophets to begin with. That’s where. Religion only serves to sow seeds of hate, spite, mistrust and ignorance in the souls of the feeble-brained. As a modern American you should embrace the fact that we already walked on the moon and nuked Hiroshima. Why stop there? God had nothing to do with that shit. Let’s take it to the next level. Let’s build a new Tower of Babel and poke God in the ass with the spires of the top floor. Knock him off his damn cloud so we can move on.

Moving on to #3 in the BoP:

“Only cops are allowed to have guns. A law-abiding American Resident can ultimately earn the privilege to own a licensed and registered gun, after rigorous testing, and years of training, after which he/she will be made an honorary cop anyway. It is, however, each American Resident’s privilege to possess one baseball bat with no more than two 12-inch rusty nails sticking out from the fat end. And if the Brits ever come back from across the sea it is every American Resident’s right to smack them in the face with said bats.”

You don’t need a fucking gun. A baseball bat makes a statement, and drives your point home with less noise pollution.

You don’t need a militia. See, we have something called the “US Army” these days. They have bombs. If we go to war with France, chances are some 18 year old Braille-faced kid, fresh out of High School, with Coke bottle glasses, will be smart-bombing Paris off the face of the map, before they ever call on Charlton Heston and his rag tag band of plumber ass-cracked hillbillies in overalls to invade Normandy. Then again, let them…

All right… as you can clearly see for yourself, this BoP thing is rocking the shit out of the old Rights. We are halfway done and already we covered all of the essentials. Now we only have the boring stuff left; you know… the amendments people plead in high profile court cases, and you go “huh?”

Most important of all these are the ones pertaining to the legal system. Isn’t it funny how the Freedom of Speech, Religion, Press and the Right to Peacefully Assemble is all crammed into one crappy amendment, not even qualifying as a correct sentence, and then we have four or five amendments blabbing on and on about what our legal rights are. I think we’ll go with the classic police slogan for our BoP amendment:

“Bad Boys, bad boys! What you’re gonna do? What you’re gonna do when they come for you? You have the right to remain silent. Seriously. The court-appointed lawyers will sort out whether you’re guilty or not, and the judge will sentence you. Chill. In the meantime, you may wanna adapt a more forgiving approach to prison rape.”

People talk too much, and they’re stupid, too. It’s time to retire the idea of having bored housewives with a Judge Judy complex, and unemployed sociopaths with nervous tics judge their peers in courtrooms across America. News Flash: They are not my fucking peers, peeps! They don’t look like I do, they don’t talk like I do, and they sure as fuck are not invited to the BBQ. Who the hell ever came up with this stupid idea to have regular Joes judge other Joes? It’s something scary about people who have time to sit in on jury duty anyway. Normal people fake a stroke and gracefully bow out so they can pursue the rat in front of them in the daily race instead. People with no lives who got their moral compass out of a Cracker Jack box should not be judging normal people like me. You cast that first stone and I will throw it right back at your stupid ass. Let the professionals handle this crap. We have plumbers for busted pipes, firefighters for burning buildings – why don’t we let court appointed lawyers solve the legal mysteries, for both defendants and plaintiffs, and then let an educated judge rule? If we had court appointed lawyers, employed by the state, then we wouldn’t have frivolous law suits, because the lawyers would be salaried and definitely not want to be bothered with petty shit like some beak found in a KFC bucket, or that rabid border collie running amuck in Aunt Elsie’s flower beds. They would be busy, gasp, sorting out the legal ins and outs of complicated court cases dealing with real crimes. What a novel thought!

Nothing pisses me off more than “I will sue you”. It’s a fucking dent in your fender, man! Come to me as a man, to my face, and we will sort it out. Either we will shake hands and agree, or we will roll around on the ground and get bloody noses. Either way we save the tax payers a bunch of money on car insurances, er… court costs. Yeah, I tripped your kid so his glasses broke, because you wouldn’t shut him the fuck up in the grocery store. So what? Sue me? How about you raise your fucking brat to be a human instead of some chimpanzee on a field trip? This leads us to:

“It is every American Resident’s privilege to use his/her common sense to solve any issue that comes up in daily life. Should the involved parties lack common sense, then the matter shall rest unresolved for they deserve no justice. You don’t get points for stupidity. In these cases, vasectomies and hysterectomies are strongly recommended to prohibit the dumb to breed.”

Seriously, folks… Elite breeding is not such a bad idea when you have lived in Florida for a few years. They have practiced the anti-thesis of this concept here for decades, effectively sludgefying their gene pool to much resemble an alligator swamp full of bloated retards.

Stupidity seems to be a social ailment these days that we enable and encourage, by catering to the dumb with fist sized buttons with pictures of Big Macs in fast food drive-thrus and “no child left behind” programs that slap a high school diploma in the hands of people who can’t spell their own goddamn name without sounding it out. Hey, we can’t all be rebel magazine editors, peeps. Some of you murky bottom dwellers need to drop out of high school to sweep the streets and mow our lawns. We can’t have half of Mexico doing that shit for us. The good old feeble-minded workforce used to be what kept America neat and clean, but now they are all becoming web designers and customer service representatives instead. The natural selection is out of whack, kids. We need to fix it. Let’s give the low income jobs back to the village idiots, and send the Mexicans screaming for the border – the other way – back to their own villages.

Shining object on the side of the road: Is it illegal for Mexicans to enter America the normal way? I just thought about this the other day. Are there such things as Mexican tourists? Do we just pull those out of line at the border checkpoints, take them behind the customs office and put them out of their misery with a single bullet? Otherwise, masquerading as a fat tourist seems like a more relaxed way of getting into America. That’s what I did when I moved here. Tourist visas beat hiking through snake infested deserts any day.

Which adds a new amendment on the subject of immigration:

“It is every American resident’s privilege to enjoy the social grace of the BoP. It is also, in the same fashion, the misfortune of every foreigner on America’s soil to not be a proper American, and therefore suffer the very absence of the BoP, thus existing without rights, freedoms and privileges at the mercy of the goodness of the American Society.”

This means that if you jump the border to work for nothing in some car wash in San Diego, then keep a low profile, make your ends meet and shut the hell up for the rest of your life. The second you peep up and think you are entitled to something, you shall be removed from your humble dwelling in the ghetto, and all your little crying brats with you, and you will be put in a cattle car going south. We didn’t invite you, so don’t invite yourself upon our hospitality. If you don’t bleed in the water, we won’t eat you. That kind of thing.

Let’s Hopalong Cassidy over to the next stellar paragraph in the BoP:

“Politicians are forbidden to re-write the essence of the BoP with contradicting concepts, thus breaking and violating the trust and faith of the American public. It is also the American Public’s privilege to enjoy plausible deniability, chilling in blissful ignorance”

This means that the Patriot Act is directly unconstitutional, and that Bush should be impeached for signing the damn thing into law. I have no problems with super secret factions of the government kicking in Muslim doors in the middle of the night and dragging them away to rot away in cells in remote places – just don’t be all politically correct about it. You can’t defend an act like that, and still pretend to be a civilized democracy. It is fucking ridiculous, and downright criminally stupid. I was much happier when the CIA just poisoned uncomfortable people and started revolutions in weird countries south of the equator, out of the sight and mind of all of us happily eating pie in our backyards. Our problem, these days, is that we try to act all grown up about the really uncomfortable shit one has to do to get rid of undesired elements that pose a threat to our welfare. We have death squads that deal with that crap, but we shouldn’t dress them up as social workers and parade them around in people’s living rooms. I want people to disappear without a trace and Bush shrugging and saying, “I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.” That would make me feel safer, actually. Like our government was on top of things, almost.

I may add more amendments to the BoP as they come to me in my sleep.

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~ The Eye of Grace ~