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Welcome to my utmost random thoughts on random shit that really doesn't matter much.
Behold the glory of my mind taking a dump.
~ Sticks, Stones and Funnybones ~
Part 43 - The Bill
The Bill
Have you seen the new $5 bill?
As usual we are dumbing society down, splashing around with the village idiots in the shallow piss warm part of the pool, instead of challenging them to meet our standards. I have no problems with making our money look different between the different bills, a la Europe, so a quick look in your wallet can tell you whether you have $5 or $500 (fat chance), but this new one is not exactly doing anything other than adding a fist sized purple "5" in the corner.
Here is the new $1 bill, by the way, out later this year:
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The Sex (not) in the City
Finally I was right about something that people actually agreed with me on. Sarah Jessica Parker was crowned "Least Sexy Woman on Earth" by Maxim magazine readers. According to Hollywood sources (reliable as they always are, of course) Parker is totally bent out of shape over this, and I'm sure it won't help sell the "Sex in the City" movie, due out soon.
Apparently, she thought she was a "Milf", or something along those lines. No, sorry, Sarah, perhaps an "Over the Hilf", but that is as far as I will go.
Hey, if you look like the unfortunate (and heavily drinking) love child of Dee Snider and Barbra Streisand, then maybe you should have seen it coming.
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The Profound Thought
I read something the other day that made me stop and actually reflect on the universe and all that crap… I had an enlightened moment.
Check it out…
As the doctor was pronouncing him brain dead and pulled the plug on life support, 19-year old Zack Dunlap minimally moved a toe and managed to draw some well needed attention to the fact that his 48 day coma was actually at an end. He had lapsed into a brain dead vegetative state after a Quad Bike accident, almost two months earlier, and his parents had just signed the consent forms for his organs to be donated when he somehow willed himself back to life. All charts and x-rays showed absolutely zero, null and none as far as brain activity went for all those days he was hooked to machines that breathed for him and fed him, but for some reason Zack’s mind came back into focus as he heard the doctor stating time of death.
Creepy.
God knows (pun intended) that I am not a spiritual guy, by any stretch of the imagination. I happen to think that most (read: all) people who are religious are a bunch of delusional fuckheads, and I shake my head and crack a patronizing smile at the naïveté of people who dream of heaven and pray to the powers that be. To me, God is like Santa Claus for grownups, but I digress, because I do believe in the soul. I am an enigma like that, and that is why you love me. I’m the coldhearted high priest of the Swedish Church of Atheism, but I interestingly enough believe we have a soul that transcends what we can measure in mere pounds of flesh.
Yup, we are going to have one of those deeply personal moments and ponder the important stuff. Share it with me, because it will never fucking happen again.
I think that when people enter into vegetative states, declared brain dead, their souls are elsewhere – lost, perhaps, or just already moving on to bigger and better things, ditching the old dump of a body behind. Maybe Zack’s soul found its way back just at that critical moment, or maybe it was always there - dazed and confused after the trauma – daydreaming about other sexy souls swirling around out wherever souls chill, and just woke up and smelled the coffee because it had to, lest Zack was gone for real.
I don’t know (well, I do – but I don’t want to sound arrogant), but I don’t think there is such a thing as “our time to go” and all that, but I think our souls kind of know when all hope is lost and then just pack their bags and leave.
What was that? Terry Schiavo? What does that have to do with anything? She was euthanized because she was being a fucking nuisance.
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The Tied Tongue
My dad had a stroke last week. We haven't exactly been close since he "resigned" a year or so ago, but it still got me a little worried to hear he had driven himself to the emergency room, all by his lonesome divorced self, only to have a full blown brain stroke at the counter while complaining about tasting burnt toast in his mouth. He is fine, but suffered Aphasia - loss of language - in the suites afterwards. Apparently, he can only communicate with "yes" and "no" and through really cryptic text messages he sends people on his cell phone, randomly punching away at the words the phone's text editor happily suggests to him.
I am sure this is one of those things I will laugh about with him, ten years from now.
If we ever talk again, that is.
And providing he can talk again, by then... Otherwise it would be a little rude.
I guess...
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The Steve Irwin Syndrome
Another freak incident occurred Thursday outside Marathon, Florida (where else?), when a Spotted Eagle Ray suddenly jumped out of the water as a boat cruised by, hitting a woman sunning herself on the deck square in the face. The woman died from the unexpected fish crash, instantly.
Seriously?
Apparently, Spotted Eagle Rays leap out of water at times to evade predators on the prowl for their tasty fillets. It's true, I looked it up.
How do you even explain this to friends and family? I mean, strokes and car accidents most people can hang with – but fucking “Death by Flounder”? Could you ever eat fish and chips again for the rest of your life, without your kids crying long snotty strings onto their plates? And what did they do with the Sea Monster? Mount it above the fire place? I mean, why waste the fishing trip, right?
Sweet 12 lb baby Jesus… Just another reason to stay the hell away from open waters.
Stingrays 2 – Humans 0
“You want her fucking hat back? Come and get it, big boy!”
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The True Believer
… and on the eight day God created a cheeto in his image. Then he said “Let there be some crazy loon to sell it on eBay for a ton of money to another dumbass who will build a shrine around it and charge other dumbasses $20 a pop to pray at its feet”. He saw that this was all good, and then he laughed and laughed and laughed.
I found a potato chip once that looked exactly like Abraham Lincoln, but I ate it.
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