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Welcome to my utmost random thoughts on random shit that really doesn't matter much.
This is where my mind takes a dump.
~ Sticks, Stones and Funnybones ~
Part 1 - The Bank
The Bank
So this past Monday I went into my bank with the intention of depositing some money orders to cover charges I knew would be automatically credited my account later that day or the day after.
“Here you go. Now, this will be available as of immediately, right?”
“No, Sir. This will clear after midnight the day after tomorrow.”
“Say again?”
“Well, today is Monday and the money order will take one business day to clear, so it will be available after midnight, Wednesday.”
“That makes no sense at all. Wednesday. Money orders ARE money, right?”
“Right.”
“So why do they have to “clear,” period?”
“Sorry, Sir. That is bank policy.”
“Wait. Do you cash money orders here?”
“Yes, Sir.”
“So how about we cash the money orders and deposit the cash?”
“We can do that.”
“You’re kidding me, right? I will never get back the last two minutes of my life arguing with you about clearing checks, when you could have just told me to cash them to begin with.”
“Well, Sir, we –“
“Nevermind. Here. Let’s CASH them and DEPOSIT them. Now, that will be available as of immediately, right?”
“No, Sir. It won’t be available until tomorrow.”
“Come again?”
“You see, Sir. It’s after 2 o’clock now, and that means that we are operating on tomorrow’s time. Technically everything we do after 2 will be processed on Tuesday, tomorrow.”
“Are you people high? Today is Monday.”
“To you, Sir. To us, here in the bank world, it’s Tuesday. Heh-heh.”
“Well, that sounds like a personal problem. I live in the real world and here it is Monday. This would also be real money, so let’s put them through as available today.”
“Yes, but today is Tuesday, so it will be available tomorrow.”
“What is this? Candid Camera? Now you’re saying Wednesday for CASH to be available?”
“Well, no, I was just trying to –“
“Try harder. Just deposit it. I have charges going out today so I need them to be covered.”
“Well, Sir…”
“Yes?”
“You’re not going to like this, but if the charges were supposed to go out today, that means they were processed yesterday.”
“WHAT?”
“Well, yes, charges are processed the night before to show up on the correct day.”
“But yesterday I had no funds in the account!”
“Well, it seems there was an automatic withdrawal of $4.99 taken out.”
“I don’t think I even had that much in the account!”
“Well, you had $4.89, Sir. You were $0.10 short.”
“So now there is a negative balance of $0.10?”
“No, Sir. There’s a negative balance of $30.10.”
“Come again???”
“There was an overdraft charge due to lack of funds. So they charged you 30.”
“30 what??? Pesos? You charge $30 for a $0.10 overdraft that YOU took out one day too early?!”
“Well, it is on the day of the authorized transaction, but it is processed –“
“- the day before when I have no money, thanks… I got it. Now let me talk to a manager so we can remove that charge and get my money deposited.”
“Eh, Nicole, who is in charge of that has gone home and I don’t think Frank–“
“What do you mean Nicole went home early? You don’t have a manager on staff?”
“Yes, but for these sort of transactions I would need her specifically, since all the transactions of today were already logged. Well, she goes home early on Mondays.”
“Aha! But it is Tuesday today, right? At least according to you! That’s what you’ve been saying all along.”
“Sir, I don’t know. I…”
“Are you trying to tell me you don’t know what day it is and that you can’t accept cash for my deposit?”
“Well, Sir… I can get you Frank, he’s our…”
“Thank you, that will be all. Can I please close my account? I don’t want anything to do with this bank anymore.”
“Yes, Sir. When the negative balance has been paid in full.”
That’s when I cut him.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Trust
I could spend the better part of a lifetime relaying the fucked up stories that make up the “news” here in Florida. It seems that not only is this the Elephant Graveyard State for the old and feebleminded, it’s also the Dating Game Playground for Pedophiles Across America, and a crash test dummy circuit for the traffically challenged. The local tv stations have to keep the scrolling news bar on during commercials to squeeze all the fuckuppedness into one broadcast hour.
Most recently we had the case of the 15-year old girl who accused her teacher of sexually harassing her at school. The father reacted most understandably by laying the teacher out with a nice right hook when the involved parties were to meet at a “conference” to sort out the mess…
Of course, Florida cried and was divided in two camps. One camp felt the girl was probably lying and that the teacher was unjustly accused. The other camp felt the father had overreacted and handled himself poorly under the circumstances.
And then there was me.
See, I also think the guy was wrong for clocking the guy... in front of witnesses, that is. I would have kicked the fucker’s door in after midnight, two weeks later, and beaten a few gallons of blood and bone marrow out of him with a steel pipe.
But, you cry, what if the guy was innocent?
Well, see, I would have total faith in my daughter to tell me the truth about a charge as serious as this. Otherwise, the past ten years of raising her to be a good person would be moot in point. When choosing whose story to believe I would go with my daughter all the way. By establishing that solid balls-to-the-wall trust with her early on, I would eliminate the idea in her head of ever trying to fuck me over.
Then, you wail miserably, you would still be leaving your family devastated as you are being hauled off into prison for beating that guy up.
No. First rule of beatings: Don’t get caught.
Second rule: Hit them hard enough to leave no doubt about what would happen if they ever mouthed off again.
I will always trust my daughter to never fuck with the truth around me, and I will always trust everybody else to keep their hands off her until she is wed at 35.
Otherwise, there will be hell to pay for everybody involved.
Apparently the guy was innocent and the girl had made up the whole thing. The father is facing prison time for the assault on the teacher. Serves him right for not raising his daughter better.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Proof?
I see that Saddam Hussein is boycotting his own trial due to the fact that he is not allowed to meet with his defense attorney in private.
So?
Funny how democracy and civil rights can be conveniently waved around like a big old coat in the wind when you’re on the tickly end of the cattle prod. What the fuck should any of us care? Just send him to the gallows for the reasons already given years ago.
Invading somebody’s country under the popular guise of removing from power a proven sick bastard who uses bestial methods of torture and abuse to keep his people in check, only to give him a “fair” trial afterwards, reeks of double standards, and is a mockery to everybody still dying over there.
What’s the big deal? You have proof enough to bomb his lands to all hell and back? Then hang him with that proof nailed to his balls. You know enough about what a fuckhead he is to send thousands of American kids to their deaths, in their attempts to capture him, but you don’t know enough to just sentence him on sight?
Take him out back and throw him in the shredder. Case closed.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Bandit
All this makes me shudder to think of the circus that will be Bin Laden’s trial once he’s caught…
… which probably will never happen. America is like the big stupid kid in the school yard who is too slow to catch the little shit scurrying in and out between his feet, making a fool of him, so he decides to beat up the smelly kid in the corner who nobody likes anyway.
Now, Bin Laden is sending tapes, mocking America for not being able to catch him. I don’t care if he mocks Bush – hell, I mock Bush on a daily basis – but when he tells YOU that you’ll never catch him, I hope you remember that when the matter of his private time with his defense attorney arises.
I just hope we have enough sense to just put battery acid in Bin Laden’s dialysis machine when we finally do find him and then go, “oops” when confronted about the sad loss of his rights to a fucking trial.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Heart
I was happy to see that some stubborn ass woman grew suspicious about the way a little three year old girl was acting in an Alabama gas station with her supposed “parents”. It bothered her enough to write down the couple’s license plate number and then report her concern to the local police. They just told her to chill and take her Yankee ass back north. She continued on her journey to Georgia, but the whole affair bothered her so much that she couldn’t stop thinking about it. Once in Atlanta she called CPS and another police precinct. Nobody listened. Finally she turned around and drove 8 hours out, all the way back to the Alabama gas station, demanding to see the video surveillance tapes of that couple. As she was making a stink a cop walked in and got everything explained to him. He ran the plates and sure enough… turned out they were on the run, wanted in a bunch of states on severe child abuse charges.
The cops picked them up that night, and the kid was rescued from neglect and abuse.
Of course, the woman was a New Yorker. See, people from NY may be louder than most, and fucking annoying sometimes, but they still have bigger hearts than all of the other states put together.
Bigger balls too.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Address
Bush just went on for an hour about the state of progress in the war and how we’re doing just fine in America in general, apparently. He carried out his speech as according to Cheney’s notes, I’m sure, and said things that couldn’t be construed as anything but progress friendly. I mean, who doesn’t agree with the fact that we have to educate our kids, take care of our elders, create more jobs, eliminate tyranny in the world and still make sure everybody’s got medical insurance and lots of money to spend on environmentally friendly cars?
Fucking idiot. Next time, try and SAY something. Then again, Americans are fucking stupid and suck that shit up like nobody’s business.
It was funny watching the two parties getting up and down during the inane rounds of applause though. Like a Catholic sermon almost. See, in England they would have interrupted him halfway through some diatribe on the war, thrown a couple of tomatoes and then some old lady would have stood up to say, “Yes, yes, but what about the inadequate bicycle parking in Larch Creek Landing? It is most vexing!”
Bush wouldn’t survive one round of “Prime Minister’s Questions” in the House of Parliament. There, it’s like a verbal gladiator game where Tony Blair is the undefeated champion. He’s starting to get some good lip from the Conservative leader, David Cameron, though. Might get interesting. Highly recommended to catch on your local cable network whenever it’s on. That’s the way politics are supposed to be handled, and by real politicians too.
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