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Introduction and Opening Statement
"Life is white and I am black
Jesus and his lawyer are coming back"
The Eels "Novocaine for the Soul"
Think again, all ye faithful. The guy with the holes in his hands shies away from that particular profession. It falls squarely in my court - pun intended. I know, I told you I was retiring. Get over it. I still think that you fuckers are more bent on your own mutual destruction than I could ever be. Hell, I admire that trait in you. Still, I realized that I could streamline my operations by outsourcing some of my workload to the experts, so I did what made sense, and got myself a legal team. The first thing they did was dump my CBS stock and bought the licensing rights to Virginia Tech swag. I have a feeling that this is going to work out beautifully.
Barrister, the floor is yours...
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this has been a hell of a month, and the timing could not be better for my client to have retained the services of my team. With regards to what you will read here, you will be best off forgetting what you think you know. Conversely, you could go back to watching "Deal or No Deal" or better yet a cable news channel, because they'll tell you what to think, and that would be a lot easier.
Case in point: Don Imus and "Nappy-Headed-Holapalooza".
I know what you're thinking, and it's not the false consensus that the news outlets have presented. If you're a follower of Al Sharpton's, you probably feel like you won something, while ignoring the hypocrisy gnawing at your righteous indignation. If you side with Imus, you probably think that Don got a raw deal, because his smartass comments don't have any real impact at the end of the day. Wrong on both counts. I hate to name-drop, but I happen to know the head of the white people (it's an occupational perk), and this one worked out exactly as planned.
The initial unspoken secret was that everybody knows that it has become socially acceptable to refer to black women as "ho's", and that black men have made it that way. Don Imus simply used the lingua franca of our popular culture. You, like the players on that basketball team, probably own, or can at least sing along with a million-seller from Jay-Z, Ice Cube (Amerikkka's Most Wanted family movie star), or just about any other rap music superstar whose stock in trade has been the degradation of black women.
If we really gave a shit about the racist degradation of women in America, we probably wouldn't be taking our kids to see movies starring the guy who said:
"Ease back white bitch, I don't play that
Just because I got on my L.A. hat…
…I should hold your devil ass for ransome
Sorta like Patty Herst, but I'll burst first bitch
And you know what's worse
I'm coming from the land where the choppers roam
So phuck you bitch and your Coppertone
Stringy hair - no derrier - frontin' and fakin' with your silicone pair…
…Ya all look the same
Standin' by my backstage door, hopin' that'll switch
Spread out you little cave bitch
In our society today, using pejorative terms for women coupled with comments about the texture of their race's hair either gets you shitcanned or gets you a multi-film deal to be America's favorite silver screen dad. The only apparent difference is the color of your skin.
You don't care. It's entertainment. You get it. You got it when Imus said it, too. Admit it. What white America thinks but won't say is that this is an obvious play at publicity by people who do not hold themselves accountable to the standards that they hold others to. In other words, you realize that you have to play along, but you really think that they are full of shit, and this latest tempest in a teapot is not doing much to change your mind.
Al Sharpton is no fool. He took advantage of an opportunity to increase his political value at the beginning of the next presidential race. He failed as a candidate in '04, so this time he will try his hand at kingmaker, and the "legitimacy" he garners from serving up Imus' head will serve that purpose nicely. Sure he told Oprah that he would go after those rappers (who have been saying the same shit for 20 years), too, but we will see O.J. Simpson search in earnest for his wife's "real" killer before that happens.
Conveniently, just as he was called on the carpet, Al got bumped from the front page by the shooter at Virginia Tech. That guy was fucking nuts and didn't have anything to do with my client.
This incident does, however, bring me to my second point which is that those of you watching the marathon coverage and buying VA Tech merch to "show your support" are death-tourists who don't really give a shit about gun-violence in this country.
From 1981-2000, there were nearly 300,000 gun homicides in the U.S. and an even greater number of suicides by gun. That equates to around 15000 per year and about 41 per day. That's right, kids, your average day in the U.S. of A. produces more murders by gun than last Monday's blow-out.
You haven't given much thought to it over the last couple of decades. Why get your panties in a twist now? Just because you saw it on CNN? Keep telling yourself that this never would have happened if the professors were armed. And while you're at it, buy a sweatshirt. Good luck with that, actually. You can't find VA Tech swag in stores today, because so many people want to "show their support" by wearing their gear.
What kind of fucking ghoulish pep rally are you going to? If you did not attend the school or personally know someone who did, you might as well be buying an "X" hat or "NYFD" hoodie. People are buying this stuff for what they want people who see them wearing it to think about them. The fact is, you don't really want to do a god-damned thing to address the issue. That would be too much work. In truth, you just want to create a perception.
People want to be associated with the big news story, however tangentially. Disagree? Then take a look at where that money is not going: Mental health charities, gun-control advocacy organizations, or anywhere else that might contribute to preventing the next such incident.
Not that I am complaining. Business is brisk. But maybe I am just full of shit. I am a lawyer after all, so my job is to twist the truth. Keep telling yourself that. You know that your heart is in the right place. Imus deserved to take the fall. Justice was served. There is now racial harmony in America, and damn, that Tech sweatshirt makes your ass look slimmer.
In this series we will make you see things from a different perspective - not necessarily the way you want to see them.
You're very welcome.
