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Random Thoughts on What Stupid Celebrities Say
June 27h, 2007
"Everybody goofs and screws up and I tell you, if you ask everyone in the world to raise their hand if they never said something vicious, something they regretted or something stupid, there wouldn't be many people who would be able to raise those things."
- Mel Gibson
You know what’s really amazing? My nose-typing skills. Because I’m totally typing this with my nose at this very moment. And since you know I’m absolutely not the type to brag about my talents for no reason, let me assure you that I’m just doing this because both my hands are raised high into the air right now, as I never even thought about saying something which might be considered slightly offending in some distant culture. In fact, my speech is so exemplary that if I washed my mouth with soap, it would get all dirty instead. I’m 100% serious. I dare you to prove I ever said something vicious, let alone stupid. I double-dare you! Bring it! I have nothing to fear because you can’t prove I ever said anything bad… especially not on this site.
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"I look at him and I'm like, 'You are hotter than Brad Pitt!' And I'm not just because I'm in love with him. He's so gorgeous I can't stand it!"
-Jenny McCarthy, who’s referring to husband Jim Carey here, is obviously blind… (which raises the question: why isn’t she with me?)
I’m reading this and I’m like ‘whoa, she’s smarter than that drooling paralyzed physics guy!’ And I’m not saying that just because I’m drunk off my ass and she’s got awesome tits and gorgeous blonde hair and… no, wait, I totally am. Don’t let me read this tomorrow morning. Oh yeah, Jim Carey can’t act and he’s not funny. Just thought I’d share.
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"They have a very smart theory: If the cameras are going to follow them, they're going to go places where the cameras could do some good. I think it's a great idea."
-George Clooney admires Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s positive manipulation of the media
I’m not really sure if making some publicity whoring morons even more money for indulging in what’s basically modern-day slave trade actually counts as “doing some good” but what do I know… Well, for one, I know that a place where cameras could do some good in Angelina’s case would be her bed room. Or in her shower. Or in her walk-in freezer where she’s keeping her dead lover’s bodies. Or… well, you get the picture; basically anywhere that kinky blood-sucking fetish slut puts out.
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"In the end, famous people only ever end up hanging out with other famous people or in private places because it's just too exhausting to be stared at and bothered the whole time."
- Elizabeth Hurley
Of course it doesn’t have anything to do with a gay elite club consisting of a bunch of rich, drug-addled, ivory-tower neurotics stroking each other’s egos. It’s just that none of us lowly creatures really gets them, right? I mean, how could we? Having wasted all our youth in several educational facilities and struggling through life on a day-to-day basis ever since. How dare we bother them? I mean, come on, that’s just silly.
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"You know bacon - I can't even do it anymore. It's so sad! I don't think I'm ever going to eat ham or bacon again. It's just not appealing."
- Dakota Fanning became so close to pigs while filming Charlotte's Web that she has sworn off all pork products
This is gayer than gay. I don’t mind vegetarians much - at least not any more than any other idiots - but those who only don’t eat meat if they have some sort of made-up relationship with the slaughtered pieces of organic waste, those I hate with every inch of my being. This is so fucking childish and laughable. Nobody past the age of four should have the right to utter such nonsense without being punched in the face and force-fed a whole pet zoo. Just look at me: I’ve been around humans for pretty much every day of my entire life, but did that ever stop me from eating them? Hell no!
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June 20th, 2007
"I've cried more in the last six months, because I've seen this thing, than I have in the last 10 years--and good tears, man, strong tears."
- Matthew McConaughey has cried over his own movie We Are Marshall
You call those strong? My tears could beat up your tears so bad they’d never leave your head ever again, and God knows it must be boring as fuck in there.
But the question here is: why? Do you think he’s actually come to his senses and cried because he saw what a terrible job he did? Is there such a thing as tears of embarrassment? I wouldn't know. Much.
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"I've gotten rather fat--particularly on one side, weirdly. I don't know why, but I seem to have developed one love handle. I noticed it the other day. I was standing in front of the mirror and I realized I'm S-shaped!"
– Hugh Grant
I can’t even joke about this. Hugh is obviously clueless about his state. Not even I was that delusional. Why do you think the single “love handle” is on your right side, huh? But don’t worry, at least it’s no cirrhosis… yet.
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"We're gonna get a farm and I really want a goat... just to possibly contribute to helping me make goat's cheese, which is my favorite cheese."
– Nicole Kidman on life in Nashville, Tennessee with husband Keith Urban
Whoa! I never cared for Nicole Kidman much but she just went from “meh” to “super hawt” in one little sentence. Nicole fondling a goat’s lactating teats while rubbing smelly cheese all over her naked body… She’s only one crippled albino midget with a whip away from the ultimate sexual fantasy.
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"Some people say, 'Oh, you should go onstage and play every show like it's your last.' And that's just a little too morbid... I like to play every show like there's a really nice cheese tray waiting for me."
– John Mayer
I don’t get his joke, if it even was supposed to be one, but I’d sure rather watch a cheese tray waiting backstage than his boring-ass show. I guess I’m just too morbid to get the idea about not wanting to entertain the paying audience.
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"A lot of girls love the paparazzi. It's, like, the only reason they're famous."
– Avril Lavigne
Where’s my calculator? That makes… a lot of girls: 1, Avril Lavigne: 0
Which leads me to the following golden piece of advice for Avril. Go, like, AWAY ALREADY, YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!
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May 18th, 2007
"If I give you a really good interview, am I going to get a movie out of it? Fuck no! So what's the argument for saying anything, unless you have this rampaging need to please?"
-Matt Damon pretending anybody gave a shit about him and coming off as a complete bitch in the process
He might be as bland as it gets but he has a point there. Why should I write anything if I don’t somehow get paid in the end? That’s right, because I have this rampaging need to please. So I really, really hope you’re pleased now. And you’re indeed extremely pleased at this very moment, aren’t you? Because I sure wouldn’t want you to be unhappy, punk!
Where was I? Oh yeah, the actual quote. Well, Matt, if you gave a really good interview you might not get another shitty movie out of it, true, but instead, you’d be defying pretty much any laws of nature. It would be huge! It would be like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat – and then sinking his teeth into it and eating it alive! Just that it wouldn’t really be a magician but the retarded kid from next door. Well, it wouldn’t be as spectacular, of course, but about as shocking.
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"I think everybody on Wisteria Lane has the money of a Republican, but the sex life of a Democrat so it's a really political show."
- Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria
I wish AIDS on fags like a Republican, but I experiment with marijuana without inhaling like a Democrat, so I guess Bull By The Horns is really a political column. Wait, what?! Excuse me. I’m writing like someone who was just busy fantasizing about boning Eva Longoria. Give me a break.
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"I cashed in my pension fund, I sold artwork; at one point I was signing these cards that had my likeness on them, like a trading card, to make a house payment. It was pretty sad."
- Emilio Estevez nearly went broke writing the script for his movie Bobby
You can make money by scribbling your name on some random photo… Yeah, really fucking sad. I weep for you and your getting by without having to do any real work. I hope the movie bombed and that Emilio will end up old, poor and homeless. Then when he asks me for some spare change, stretching his dirty bum-hands out I’ll just give him a trading card of myself grinning, signed “fuck off, parasite!”. Oh, what a day it will be!
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"When I face the red carpet before a premiere, I am terrified by the wall of photographers screaming my name. It is so violent. When I first went to Hollywood, I remember working for two years in a bar. I was happy when all I had to worry about was the labels on the bottles."
- Renee Zellweger pretends fame is bad and how she hates attention
I’m sure that was the only thing you had to worry about back then. Not inane shit like trying to be an actress while having to pay the rent in Hollywood with a bartender’s impressive salary.
Come to think of it, she obviously never had me as a customer. I’m built like a wall, I’ll scream more than one name if you’re the one between me and my drink and ‘Violent’ is my last name. My real last name, I mean, not that silly ‘Bullhorn’ moniker. In related news, my real first name is ‘Ultra’. That’s Mr. ‘Ultra Violent’ to you! And ladies, don’t even try, my number’s not listed because I have too many stalkers. Or maybe I just can’t afford a phone. I can’t really remember but it was definitely one of the two.
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"Daniel goes so far as to sign my name in an autograph... He'll sign, 'Best wishes, Elijah Wood.' But Spider-Man? I don't think I look like Tobey at all. It's so funny."
- Elijah Wood claims he, Daniel Radcliffe and Tobey Maguire are regularly mistaken for one another
Jeez, this is not only old news but boring as fuck. Why does he keep repeating this shit over and over again in interviews? Hell, why does that little fuck even get interviewed in the first place? It’s almost sad to see he apparently has no clue people are just making fun of him by asking him for the autographs of real stars. And by ‘real stars’ I certainly don’t mean to imply they weren’t complete jackasses playing the most pathetic roles, but at least they’re in movies which people who aren’t ten-year-olds or those ten-year-olds’ soccer moms might actually watch.
Wait a second, who was I even talking about here? Who the hell said that again? The hobbit? The wizard? Holy shit, he’s right after all.
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"Quite often I take the linings out of my clothes to improve the fit. I never allow them to get see-through, though. I can't bear see-throughness at all--not after three children."
– Victoria Beckham
This might sound weird at first, considering she’s walking around in see-through outfits all the time and doesn’t weigh more than, I don’t know… something very, very light (insert your own lame anorexia joke here) - but I hear that in Spice World “see-throughness” is actually a metaphor for “class”, and “children” really means “boob jobs”. I bet you’re impressed that I know this. But to be honest, it’s no big deal, really. I learned that from Geri Halliwell while we dated after she wrote to congratulate me on the awesome review I wrote about her first solo album.
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"One day I know I'm going to wake up and I'll be out to here and my bum will be on the floor! I have just had a normal life so I'm fine with who I am and I'm fine with cellulite, I know it's normal."
– Sienna Miller
You’re 25, blonde, pretty damn hot and your life is anything but normal. Just shut the fuck up or your bum will be on the floor much sooner than you think. I just confessed I’m ultra violent three quotes above. Watch it!
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"I met this girl one night and she was like, 'Why can't I get a guy that looks like Brad Pitt?' And I turned to her and said, 'You gotta look like fuckin' Angelina Jolie. So put down the gin and tonic and start going to the gym!'"
- Jonathan Rhys-Meyers
I don’t know anything about that faggot except for the fact he’s absolutely clueless. With enough gin and tonic she could probably even score with Sebastian Bullhorn! And everybody knows it’s physically impossible for such an awesome creature not to look like Brad Pitt.
What does going to the gym and drinking gin and tonic have to do with trout lips anyway?
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"You could say he's too sensitive for this industry... He's nice, all right, but he's also wet, dark and wild."
- Robert Downey Jr. on ‘Zodiac’ co-star Jake Gyllenhaal
Wet... dark... and wild. Please someone tell me Downey is a fag. I can’t take the thought of some guy characterizing another man using those three words without trying to hit on him.
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"Sometimes what I actually love to do is go to a farm and get fresh milk or watch a pig get slaughtered."
- Jake Gyllenhaal on his hobbies
I see this guy seems to have his heart in the right place. There’s no chance that someone who enjoys watching innocent animals that have never lived in freedom getting brutally slaughtered is “wet, dark and wild” in any way, shape or form. Suck it, Downey! Oops, bad wording… Anyhow, I might have never seen any movies with him but nevertheless Jake here is cool in my book. Tell your sister’s saggy tits I said hi!
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April 18th, 2007
(OK, so some of these I wrote before the Big DRS Pause - I am sure you'll live)
"They didn't like my forehead, my lips were too big... and when you're a teenager, people telling you your lips are too big... They wouldn't let me wear lipstick."
- Hilary Swank on breaking into Hollywood
Can someone explain that to me? She's saying that like it is totally obvious what happens when you tell a teenager her lips are too big, but I have absolutely no clue. Well, these days I guess it would come off as sexual harassment, and I'd probably get arrested or something so I won't try but I'm very curious now. Besides, how can Hilary Swank's lips ever be too big? Even if she hired a surgeon and had him put in everything Michael Jackson got removed from his you could still see her giant disgusting horse teeth.
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"There is nothing in the world that turns me on more than talent."
- Salma Hayek knows exactly what she wants in a man
It's too bad that there are indeed things that turn me on more than unibrows, or we would have been the perfect match.
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"He even sings well in the shower."
- Gwyneth Paltrow praises husband Chris Martin
It's probably just some Siren kind of trick, and he hopes you accidentally sail into the bathroom wall and drown.
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"It's the first time I'm gonna have to kiss a man on screen and the idea of it scares me."
- Jason Lewis on his upcoming role in 'Brothers & Sisters'
"On screen" being the key words here. Nobody can tell me that being a male fashion model, or whatever it's called that he did before, doesn't require taking it up the ass multiple times before breakfast.
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"I still think I'm nice. I wouldn't do it in public, but, if I did, I wouldn't embarrass myself."
- Mary J. Blige insists she can still break dance
Right. That's like saying you wouldn't embarrass yourself if you farted "Oh Happy Day" at a funeral. Just because you're damn good at it and don't shit your pants in the end doesn't mean people appreciate it.
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"Hilary has amazing style, and I'm flattered we share the same taste."
-Jessica Biel, on wearing the same gown to this year’s Golden Globes that Hilary Swank wore to some Oscar party in 2004
You'd think that once you starred in a bunch of rather successful films and TV shows you could afford your own clothes and didn't have to borrow a dress from Hilary Swank. Jessica Biel is lucky she's so hot, so she gets away with such a lame answer here without being ripped to shreds. But for future reference: a more appropriate answer would have been punching the idiot in the throat who actually memorized what some other cunt wore for a couple of hours, over two years ago.
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"She's crazy. Why would she do that?"
– 50 Cent on Britney Spears' bald look
Sorry, dude, but not everybody can lead such a normal life as yours; involving being shot a gazillion times to have something to talk about over annoying drum beats for a living.
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"I feel like there's still a world full of people out there who think there's not much more to me than the girl who can wear tiny tops."
- Jennifer Love Hewitt
You feel pretty much right. Though that doesn't count for everybody. Only the males. Just kidding, even that's not true. To me, you're also the girl with the long nose.
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February 7th, 2007
"I want to get married before I'm 30 and have my house and make the kind of record I want. And I'd like to win an Oscar before then."
- Lindsay Lohan
In related news, I want to climb a rainbow, stop drinking and have an exclusive, loving relationship with Marilyn Monroe.
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"I'm the truest definition of the new Negro: rich, black, intelligent and powerful. I'm America's worst nightmare."
- Sean 'Puff Diddy Daddy whatthefuckever' Combs
What is that fucking moron smoking? I thought the crack addiction was a trademark of the "old negro", whatever that shit means. Anyhow, it's pretty amazing what kind of self-image prominent people develop over time. Rich? He'd make Croesus jealous. Black? Like my future. Intelligent and powerful? Nigga', please! Why not throw in "talented" as well? Well, at least he was right about the nightmare part.
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"With the psychotic, middle-aged Madonna out there on the loose buying up all the stolen Negro babies in Africa, I felt it my social and humanitarian duty to take in any young, beautiful and sexy orphaned Jew teens running wild in Beverly Hills. Cory's a great kid, and I'm proud to be her daddy."
-Vincent Gallo, addressing rumors that he is dating a 16-year-old socialite named Cory Kennedy
I don't know what to say here. Vincent Gallo is a total wacko, that's nothing new. However, I'm still confused by this quote since I thought that idiot disliked both Jews and blacks for some reason. On the other hand, he's clearly making fun of Madonna and the adoption boom, which is kind of cool. Oh well, it's probably all part of his master plan to knock up some Jewish chick so his work will be more appreciated by critics - but deep down he's still a crazy, racist fuck.
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"I know the beginning and end of tricks but they would never teach me the entire trick."
-Christian Bale was allowed limited access when researching his film The Prestige, in which he plays a magician
That sounds like he got a lot of insight. "In the beginning, you threaten that bimbo with the chainsaw and in the end, she's surprisingly still alive somehow." Cool, how could anything go wrong with that knowledge?
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"I'm known for having nice skin. My skin is my strength. I don't have acne and moles growing out of my forehead. I look like Robert Redford."
- Donald Trump
He never lied. Who doesn't know Trump for his popular catch phrase "Give me a facial!"? I think they built an entire reality TV show around it, showing young beauty consultants in training or something.
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"My uncle was an Elvis impersonator and I was head of his security. I would come out and act tough."
- Ryan Gosling landed his first 'job' when he was 8
What the hell do lame impersonators need security for? He was probably there to protect the cheese cake. No wait, Gosling wouldn't even be able to look tough next to a cheese cake. It would totally steal the show.
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"We've teased each other recently about doing The Graduate on Broadway."
- Demi Moore on husband/boy toy Ashton Kutcher
That would be really funny if I wasn't sure Kutcher doesn't get the irony of Demi Moore doing a graduate – because he certainly doesn't qualify.
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"I've had three children in a year. Next year it'll be six, then nine. We want our own football team."
- Brad Pitt
He's lucky he's American because in most European football leagues there are actually restrictions on how many foreigners you can have on one team.
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January 24th, 2007
"When they called me, I said, 'Didn't I die?' Evidently not."
- Sarah Michelle Gellar trying to be a smart-ass upon being asked to appear in The Grudge 2, even though her character was dead
Rub it in, cunt. And for fuck’s sake, don’t act surprised that the plot of the crap you’re offered roles for doesn’t make the least bit of sense. Maybe I should give her some more ammo: Vampires don’t really exist!
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"He is an anti-Semitic son of a bitch. He should fucking die."
- Joan Rivers, not holding back her feelings toward Mel Gibson
I'm confused. How can you blame him for his mother being a whore? Like that's his fault. Joan Rivers is not being very fair here.
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"How sexy do I find Borat? I like the mustache. At the moment it's stuck on. I don't think he'd grow it because it would make him instantly recognizable."
- Wedding Crashers actress Isla Fisher, on her boyfriend Sacha Baron Cohen
Everybody knows that chicks who are as hot as her are extremely shallow, and thus only get involved with total pimps like that Ali G fella. But I like women who are into mustaches, especially the kind that's not real and that you only wear on special occasions. But that shouldn't surprise anyone, me being German and all. The Dirty Schultz is in my blood.
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"To link me to George [W.] Bush is like linking me to an Oscar. I mean, that's ridiculous."
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
Or like voting for you as governor. Unfortunately, ridicule has never stopped you. Or the people of California.
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"At least it'll be big with gay fans. I'm definitely in with the gays."
- Kirsten Dunst, on Marie Antoinette
Like you could tell the difference. I hate to break it to you, but nobody wants to fuck you, really, no matter what the sexual orientation. Wait, actually I loved telling you that.
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"I embarrassingly went up to Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes. I said, 'I love you so much I want to tongue-kiss you.' And she said, 'OK.'"
- Kate Winslet
Wow, that would be really fucking hot if it wasn't for the fact that both are rather fugly, and if Streep wasn't old enough to be the other dyke's mother.
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"I feel I kind of sold out a little bit when I did the movie Shallow Hal. I had an opportunity to work with some dudes I thought were really funny, but it didn't turn out as I'd hoped, I wasn't proud of it, and I got paid a lot of money, so in retrospect it feels like a sell-out."
- Jack Black, coming clean about one of his redundant movies
That sounds like Jack Black thought any of his other stuff was indeed funny. If I was him I wouldn't be concerned about being considered a sell-out, but rather a total crackpot who's completely out of touch with reality.
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"Guys I was dating would be like, 'What's wrong with them? They look really bad. You know, you should really get them fixed.' So embarrassing. I mean, you definitely need to turn the lights off, that's for sure."
-Tara Reid is ashamed of her botched boob job
Why waste money on even more surgery? Just date guys who are just as drunk and clueless as you. I’m available. Besides, what’s so bad about shitty breast implants? It shouldn’t really matter what they look like, it’s the thought that counts. I’m not that shallow, I’m sure your tits are beautiful on the inside.
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"You've gotta find things to make you laugh during the shoot. Cate [Blanchett] called it the ‘Hungry Bum.’ When your bum's so hungry it's trying to eat your pants."
-Brad Pitt gave himself wedgies on the set of Babel to lighten up the mood
The thought of Brad Pitt working his underwear into his ass-crack until it resembles a thong is enough to make me barf for hours. Only that I'll not call it barfing but doing the “bulimia jaw” - when you're so disgusted that your guts are trying to leave your body through your mouth with such violent force that you almost break your jaw. You know, you've gotta find things to make you laugh during writing about all these fuck-heads.
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November 15th, 2006
"The Rolling Stones and I go way back. Now, there was a time when I'd go into an arena and whip that crowd into a living frenzy before they ever came on stage. But I don't do that anymore. I'm more likely to just see the show."
- Jack Nicholson namedrops
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Does he really need the attention that bad? Did The Departed suck that hard? That was rhetorical, by the way. I might not have seen it yet but I know it’s got Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Wahlberg and Matt Damon in it. Do I need to say more? But I still want to know, if Nicholson is that tight with the Stones, why isn’t he allowed on stage with them anymore? Was he cock-blocking Keef? Did he demand to be paid in brown sugar? Or maybe I’m on the wrong track with my keen insight on rock‘n’roll and it’s just something trivial. Given the strange American laws in some states it wouldn’t surprise me if there actually was a 500 year restriction on the combined age of people on a stage or something, which would mean they’re shit out of luck.
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"I've had a lot of run-ins with the police, so it was nice to finally use that experience in a role. I never thought it would come in handy."
-Mark Wahlberg on playing an undercover cop in The Departed.
Argh, speak of the devil! But judging from that quote maybe I should indeed watch that movie. If that fag actually portrayed his character after his own experiences with cops, it could be damn entertaining. Provided you consider seeing disgusting, donut-munching, Village People-type police officers being sucked off by boyish thugs in handcuffs while whistling New Kids On The Block tunes to be entertaining. And if you just cried out in indignation because there’s just no way you will tolerate my ignorance regarding the Wahlbergs’ “musical” activities: do yourself a favor and shush! Or I’ll tell everyone this one was actually in Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch instead. Oops! Yes, I just did, got it? That was my ultimate punchline. Not because my buildup was especially great or anything but you certainly don’t need to be a comedian if you can just drop such a ridiculous band name.
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"I wanted to have him killed in the first movie, but no one listens to me."
- Matt Damon on reprising his role as action star Jason Bourne.
Fuck, again?! Okay, that’s it, you’ve got to suffer, Damon… Well, I certainly don’t want to take anything away from your totally justifiable creative control or anything, but has it ever occurred to you that the Bourne Identity was a series of novels long before we had to put up with your retarded mug on the big screen? No? Figures. Anyway, just take my word for it, that letting you decide how to rewrite literature, twenty years after the fact, and even if we were merely talking about a Disney comic, would be like asking Paris Hilton to rewrite The Universe In A Nutshell, War And Peace and then the whole fucking Bible just for good measure.
And now listen, karma, I’ll never say anything bad about The Departed again, I promise! Please, just don’t give me DiCaprio next!
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"Who has sex like that? And when I take my shirt off, I don't have ripped, Brad Pitt-in-Fight-Club abs. I got some real-guy love handles."
- Scrubs star Zach Braff slams unrealistic love scenes in movies.
Perhaps I’m the wrong guy to ask since the only movie scene resembling the sex I might occasionally have is from Irréversible and I make Brad Pitt in Fight Club look like Kevin James, but I agree with anything Zach Braff says by default. Granted I’ve only read two statements by him, tops, but how can you not like some guy bragging about his love handles? It’s impossible. And all sympathy aside, I actually think he’s right here. The only realistic (not to mention incredibly hot) love scene I’ve ever seen in a movie is still the one in Team America – World Police.
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"My advice to any gay actor who wants to play a Hollywood romantic lead is to have electric shock treatment."
- Homosexual actor Rupert Everett on the difficulties of landing big roles
I don’t get his point at all but I could swear he’s whining about some discrimination bullshit again. And as I don’t want to hurt him by rubbing it in some more I’ll just agree with the poor fella this time. I’ll even take his cause a step further: any gay should have electric shock treatment. All the time. Fry those faggots!
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"I think that's the greatest actor/director film collaboration in history, so to even mention me in the same breath is sacrilegious."
- Leonardo DiCaprio on supposedly being director Martin Scorsese's new Robert DeNiro
I can’t believe it. Karma hates me. I swear I gathered all the quotes for this batch a while ago and commented on the first one before looking over any others. Ah, what the hell, my day is ruined anyway… But can anybody help me out? Am I missing something? What great flicks have those two done together again? Aviator? Haven’t seen it and I won’t. It’s bound to suck. Gangs of New York? Most overrated piece of shit since… err, probably whatever film DiCaprio starred in before that. The only role he should have been allowed is still What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, for obvious reasons, and Scorsese didn’t have anything to do with that as far as I know. He’s right on this, though: comparing him to DeNiro is indeed sacrilegious. In fact, mentioning him in the same breath as anything not on the following short list of words should save you a special place in hell: cocksucker, subhuman, douchebag, retard, faggot, ass, turd, cunt, AIDS, scum, shit, Paris Hilton.
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"I couldn't run for office. I have slept with far too many women. If I ran for office there would be juicy stories dragged up from the past."
- George Clooney, again dispelling rumors of a future in politics
And that would really be your main concern once the whole world decides to attack your country after hearing that the douchebag that is you will be attempting to run it?
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"I don't believe that Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. I mean that's an outrageous, drunken statement."
- Mel Gibson, on his July statements following his drunk-driving arrest
Okay, maybe not for the war on drugs and Star Wars, but that still leaves about 99% of all wars I can think of. And if that also seemed like an outrageous, drunken statement to you, it kind of makes sense as I’m in fact outrageously drunk. Wait, wasn’t it Scientology who was responsible for War Of The Worlds? Ah, never mind. That one’s probably run by jews too. Only that they’re from outer space.
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"A metrosexual is basically a heterosexual with homosexual accessories - it basically means you're English."
- Robin Williams
Interesting theory. I beg to differ, though. I’d say a metrosexual is basically a homosexual in heterosexual denial – which basically means you’re Italian.
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