Satan vs. Superman

Please excuse the use of a somewhat lurid title, but I’m afraid nobody will otherwise read my stuff in this section anyway - and somewhere down the line of my reasoning you’ll even be able to make some sense out of it. But, let’s just start with the Satan part. More precisely; the modern exegesis of Satan, by the Church of Satan.

Ever thought about boosting the enigma that is you so chicks would dig you? Ever dreamt of having an edge, without actually having to change a single thing about your boring self? Perhaps you even wanted to piss off your conservative parents while you were at it? Well, maybe you were smart enough to put two and two together and realized that the Church of Satan (hereby referred to as “COS”) was made for people just like you. Join them! If you’re rich, that is.

Anyway, this article was written to show you why you’re an idiot if you have any motivations beyond that, and actually intend to follow through with the Satan crap, as according to the COS founder Anton Szandor LaVey.

Let’s just have a look at the ingenious Nine Satanic Statements from The Satanic Bible (©1969 Anton Szandor LaVey) to kick this off on a light note. They were written to represent the core of the whole satanic doctrine and I guess you could compare them to the Christian Ten Commandments, both in function and absurdity. Let’s go:


1. Satan represents indulgence instead of abstinence!

So Satan disapproves of self-discipline? Satan likes immobile fat-asses, for instance? There are several parts in the Satanic Bible that indicate the opposite. Isn’t lack of control a sign of weakness? A life of total debauchery is hardly a positive thing, and doesn’t really go well with many of the other ideas the Church of Satan proclaims.


2. Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams!

An athlete flexing his muscles might represent vital existence. A pride of lions chasing prey. The sun might represent vitality. Hell, even cheap porn! Some kind of hip, notorious idol that’s randomly accredited with human traits that just about anybody strives for, however, does not. In fact, “Satan” doesn’t really represent anything, as I’ll point out throughout this article. Getting people to believe basic human behavior was somehow “satanic” is the epitome of spiritual mumbo-jumbo.


3. Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit!

So why don’t they tell everyone where they stole all their ideas from? Why did they spread all those lies about Anton Szandor La Vey’s life to make him look cooler? This statement is so hypocritical it’s laugh-out-loud funny, especially spelled out like that.


4. Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates!

Is this serious? Hey, I think I can come up with this stuff too: “Satan represents giving out hugs and smoochies to those who are really cute and sweet instead of cordiality wasted on big ol’ meanies!” Even the South Park Satan kicked ass compared to this. Fuck, is nobody but me embarrassed to learn what this fruit supposedly really represents?


5. Satan represents vengeance instead of turning the other cheek!

More like Satan represents jock ethics and haughtiness. This is so 14th century. Who, in this day and age still cares about chivalry? This is just ridiculous. Get over yourself and turn as many cheeks as you please. And yes, dear enlightened Satanists, I am well aware that this is just supposed to mean that you’re not supposed to let people mess with you at will without standing up for yourself. This is common sense for anyone with a spark of self-respect, though, much like anything else this Church preaches. Only that they come off as a bunch of gay, duelling knights having a temper tantrum over a thrown gauntlet.


6. Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires!

Here we go again with the über-cheesy terminology. I used to just call them ‘assholes’, but hey, why not psychic vampires? So, Satan says “don’t waste your time on assholes”. Do you feel as enlightened as I do already?


7. Satan represents Man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, and who, because of his “divine spiritual and intellectual development,” has become the most vicious animal of all!

What’s up with comparing animals to humans here? What do they mean “better or worse” anyway? Does anyone really need Satan to realize he’s better than a fucking dog that’s incapable of doing anything but eating, shitting, sleeping and barking? Oh wait, I forgot the sniffing of each other’s asses. Geez, thanks Satan, for lumping me in with those great creatures. May I please worship you in return?


8. Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification!

Wow. Feed, flaunt, fume, fuck around. How deep. I hope Satan doesn’t represent this book as well since the mental gratification I’m getting here so far certainly leaves something to be desired.


9. Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as He has kept it in business all these years!

Yeah, right. That was their only trump ever. People in this day and age wanting to resign from church certainly are mighty scared if you talk to them about Satan and change their minds immediately in order not to jinx their salvation.
By the way, good job on keeping his name out there. Very consistent. If you’re anti-christian it makes a whole lot of sense to take great care of the church’s best friend. Idiots.


The rest of the Satanic Bible is broken down into four different books. The first one, called “Book Satan”, is a complete rip-off of a book called “Might Is Right”, written under the pseudonym of “Ragnar Redbeard”, published in 1896. That one’s already a pretty random mixture of Nietzsche’s and Darwinistic ideas, and while LaVey modified some verses here and there, he pretty much just recited the whole thing for some reason I don’t understand. Maybe he thought it would be cool to make the impression that he had nothing original to say right off the bat. The second one, “Book Lucifer”, consists of a bunch of essays which further explain the COS’s ideals that were introduced in the Satanic Statements above. I could pick all those apart too, but the prospect of coing so really wouldn’t really offer much in addition to what I already stated. “Book Lucifer” is all simple rhetoric without any deeper matter. The following books of “Belial” and “Leviathan” can be ignored altogether since they contain nothing but nonsense about sorcery and ritual magic. It’s laughable, really. If there was anything in the book that might have appealed to the occasional thinking reader so far, the momentum of credibility will be destroyed right there.

So, I’ll skip from directly addressing the Satanic Bible to try to make my point instead, explaining LaVey’s ideas (and those he wanted to look like his own, of course) whenever necessary inbetween.

Now back to the above-mentioned statements and what Satan supposedly really represents…

Contrary to LaVey’s presumptuous assertions, the only thing Satan has always stood for is being in opposition to any kind of values. Trying to make Satan the good guy was a stroke of genius and a sacrilege at the same time. Satan was basically rendered effeminate – a softie. The ultimate arch enemy, the eternal anti-hero – now Mr. Nice Guy? Just representing consistency with human nature and self-serving satisfaction of any personal needs, in all clear conscience? A role model for modern men and women? Maybe even a new prototype of what Man should strive to be?

Yeah, that’s pretty much it. And oh, joy, it even makes some sense! Even better, it’s been completely thought out with all the bells and whistles already! There’s a fancy name for it, too! One that hasn’t got “Satan” in it, mind you.

Yay! What is it? Well, according to uncle Fritz Nietzsche, the idea should be called the “Übermensch”, which, in English, would translate to “overman”, “super-(hu)man” or something along those lines.

Naturally, Satan isn’t half the guy Nietzsche’s Übermensch is meant to be, though, but there are indeed parallels. Satan, as the anti-hero the Christians created, was inherently nihilistic, not approving of any biblical values or morals. In turn, the Church of Satan portrayed their fosterling as something beyond that, as the process of overcoming Christian values and nihilism. This is essentially what Nietzsche’s Übermensch was all about too. Breaking out of the Christian, God-centered way of thinking, especially that afterlife-centered existence. Granted, LaVey’s “creation” is a fairly stripped-down Übermensch, but a piss-poor rip-off is still nothing but a fucking rip-off in the end.

It’s pretty clear that LaVey’s whole “ideology”, which I have trouble even calling it as it’s giving it way too much credit already, is largely based on essential parts of the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche. I just don’t understand why LaVey had no problems admitting to the influence of “Might Is Right”, and directly quoting it for the most part, yet he insisted on packaging some of Nietzsche’s ideas into trivial essays of his own to enlighten his idiotic disciples. Wait, I think I do understand after all: LaVey is more full of shit than anything that has ever been found to be full of shit before, including the Woodstock port-a-potties.

Okay, if I were you, I’d have a question by now: Why is this guy even complaining about the Church and their supposed influence if he likes Nietzsche so much? Sure, getting people into one of the most fascinating philosophers of all time isn’t half-bad, actually. If it wasn’t for the fact that Nietzsche isn’t credited anywhere in this sorry excuse for a definitive book of a church wanting to be considered extremely revolutionary - a church claiming to give devout people reality checks left and right. Yet in reality, all that church has managed to do is to dumb down other people’s arguably brilliant ideas and butcher them to the point where they barely make any sense whatsoever anymore. What they have created is nothing but a kindergarten pop-up version of “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” (which is one of Nietzsche’s most overrated works anyway), if you will.

And taking someone’s oversimplified version for granted, without checking the original literature and idea, is not even something this Satanic Church’s wannabe-Übermensch would approve of. So listen up, all you mall-Goths, goat butchers and serious Satanists (oxymoron alert) out there:

Ditch Satan, embrace the Übermensch! Hail Nietzsche!

And fetch me a cold one while you’re at it. Thank you.

Idiots.



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